D/s Relationships

Submissive Or Slave?

I had an interesting yet frustrating conversation with someone who questioned why I call myself submissive and not a slave.

For those of you that don’t know, there always seems to be a big argument in the BDSM community over who should call themselves submissive and who should call themselves a slave. Frankly I stopped giving a shit what people call themselves long ago.

The conversation went something like this:

Dominant guy: God… you should use the slave title. You are obviously looking for a service oriented position to where the Dominant in return gives you structure and stability. The only worry that you SHOULD have is serving your Master.

Me: Most Dommes seem to want a submissive in the bedroom but a vanilla guy outside of it.

Dominant guy: Stay away from the submissive title. It scares Masters like me away. Haha

Thankfully I’m not interested in a dominant guy so it really doesn’t matter if it scares away masters (lowercase on purpose) like him. It’s funny how that works though, dominant guys seem to be more interested in D/s than dominant women. I’ve been to a number of D/s oriented events, the last one I went to had maybe 50 gay couples, 50 Dominant male/submissive female couples, a few lesbian couples and two dominant women/male submissive couples.

Many dominant women have expressed to me their desires for a “submissive sometimes in the bedroom but my equal outside of it”. That’s the reason I shy away from calling myself a slave. It scares women off. Not only that, since I’ve pretty much given up on finding anything other than casual play, more and more women seem comfortable with someone who just submits to them in the bedroom. I’m all for that. Sure there’s a part of me that craves D/s, but the part of me that is dying to try out new things in the realm of BDSM overrides the part of me that needs D/s.

I’d rather be a submissive with a chance of getting fucked and toyed with than a slave who’s got no chance in hell.

I’m even cautious about mentioning my interests in D/s when someone asks me what I’m into since that’s enough to scare some off. I should maybe only qualify it by saying “look, someday, if I met someone who wanted to own me outside the bedroom, then great. But right now I’m only looking for casual play”.

Here’s another example from someone after she discovered D/s was something I enjoy:

“Yikes, are you someone that lives the lifestyle 24/7? Im not really down with that. I love sex with down right perversion, but Im not looking to own anyone…thats too heavy for me.”

It took me a while to convince her that I was perfectly happy just having sex with perversion but my interests in D/s may have cost me a one night stand with someone who enjoys things I’m dying to try.

So maybe I am a slave if that’s someone who enjoys D/s outside the bedroom. If that scares you away then I’m submissive. If that scares you away then I’m just kinky. If that scares you away then I’m just jerking off at home.

Turns out…I’m An Asshole

I’ve been writing this post for a very very long time.

I keep coming back to it, writing it, rewriting it, getting frustrated and angry with myself and starting over again. Every time I’m no closer to writing something that makes sense because frankly, none of it does.

The thing is, I’m really scared.

There’s someone I really like and she really likes me. She wants more and so do I. The problem is I’m scared shitless.

See, every woman that I’ve ever loved, has left me. Every instance (all vanilla) has been the same, they said they loved me and then all of a sudden the just didn’t anymore. The last time this happened was seven year ago, and that knocked the wind out of me so hard that I didn’t really do anything but work for two years.

Since then I haven’t had anything but casual relationships. There were people I was interested in more than just casual but they didn’t feel the same. Now I meet someone I care about, someone I like and someone who likes me back. That hasn’t happened in seven years.

She’s everything I’ve been looking for and yet, I’m flinching before anything happens. It’s like I’m anticipating the punch before it’s thrown. I can’t help it, I’m stuck.

I have this wall that I didn’t know I had. I didn’t even know I had a wall until I met her.

She’s frustrated and understandably so. She knows all about my fears and why I can’t go forward from here but still that doesn’t help.

I’m frustrated and angry at myself.

How is it possible that I didn’t know I had this block all this time. All this time I’ve been crying, complaining, bitching and moaning about not having an “owner” and when I meet someone who may someday want that, I get scared. Scared that she’ll leave me before we even come close enough. It’s so sad it’s almost funny.

I’m such an asshole. Who does that?

How is it that I’m scared after all this time of looking for her?

She has said that she’s a transitional woman, since I’ve never been able to deal with it before now. That makes me sad because she deserves to be so much more than that, she deserves more than a title of “transitional woman”.

It’s not fair to her for us to continue the casual thing. She deserves more, she deserves to be adored outside of the bedroom as well.

I miss cuddling with her, miss all the dirty stuff and the clean stuff.

Every time we meet up I’m always taking lots of photos of her, she asks why and I always say the same thing, “I just like looking at you” and I do. The other reason is because I know someday I won’t be able to see her anymore, even as just a friend and I want to keep the memories and images of being with her for the rest of my life.

So now that I know I have this wall, how do I get over it?

Seven years.

She’s the first person I’ve been close to in seven years. I’ve shown more of myself to her than anyone else and still I can’t take my wall down.

It hurts me to know I’m not ready yet. All this time I thought I was.

Seven years.

It may take another seven years to find someone who’s even close to her.

Here all I want is to give her pleasure and I’m causing her frustration. Vanilla guys aren’t this much work. I’m not exactly the poster-boy for why women should date submissive men.

Seven Years and I didn’t even know.

How in the hell didn’t I know this about myself.

ClubFEM New York: My Bum On Display

I was incredibly excited when I found out New York was finally getting its own chapter of ClubFEM.

ClubFEM (Females Enslaving Males) is one of the only organizations I know of that are dedicated to dominant women and submissive men.

From their website:

“ClubFEM NYC is a social organization composed of individuals who want to develop sincere Female dominant/male submissive relationships. The Dommes are in charge of the activities at all times. ClubFEM Dommes are considerate and caring Women who want the D/s experience to be enjoyable for all participants. ClubFEM members get to know each other very well and even get together for vanilla activities occasionally. The Dommes are friendly and helpful to other Dommes who wish to grow in their knowledge and abilities.”

For me, the environment is very comfortable. I feel at ease going to a ClubFEM event. All of the submissive males are treated with respect and the dominant women are all very approachable, friendly and…well…dominant.

I would say that ClubFEM is more like a lifestyle organization than a kinky organization. There is a difference.

Having gone to one of the ClubFem parties, I will say this. It’s the first time I’ve been really a bit embarrassed (or bare-assed) by the dress-code.

Submissive males are encouraged to wear one of these.


And one of these except in black.


It wasn’t so bad since some of the other submissive males were dressed the same, though it was a bit of a humbling experience. I guess that’s the point though isn’t it. I was there providing service and every time I got up off the floor to get my friend a drink or some food I could feel several eyes on me. I’ll admit, part of me enjoyed being on display while all of the women were fully dressed. A very new experience for me.

There was just something about being in a place where I knew every woman was dominant, or at least dominant while at the events. Submissive and switch women are welcome to come, though they aren’t allowed to be submissive to a man while there.

Yet another nice thing about CluFEM is that they don’t take advance of submissive men. They could easily make submissive men pay hundreds of dollars just to become a member, but they don’t. Sincerity is the most important thing of all.

Every guy I talked to seemed to view their submission the same as I do, I’m not just kinky, I’m submissive. It was clear that they didn’t show up just to try and get their rocks off.

There were a number of women who arrived with their own submissive males. It was nice to see people who were living the reality of a Female Dominant relationship.

I can’t say enough good things about it, I know I’ll be going to many future munches and parties, I’m sure this group will grow and grow.

Some Parts Controlled

Well here’s some good news.

I’ve been spending more time with…hmmm what do I call her? It’ll come to me.

She really seems to enjoy exploring her dominance, it’s always been a part of her but she hasn’t been able to openly control and manipulate someone before. She does admit that she’s not as driven to explore her dominance as much as I am driven by my desire to submit.

We’ve talked at great lengths about D/s, the scene and what we’re looking for. She doesn’t know what she’s looking for right now and I can understand that. We both know that, no matter what, we both want to remain friends.

She has decided she wants to “own my cock”. It’s hers right now. I must always text her if I want to cum while I’m alone and of course she has full use of it whenever she wants. The rest of me, well, it’s still mine.

It feels amazing to have someone want control over even part of me. It’s also made me realize how..umm…active I am in that area.

I know she’s still dating other people. We haven’t defined if we’re dating, hanging out, really good friends with benefits or what it is but when we’re together it’s amazing and passionate and all that good stuff.

She often comments on how she’s not sure if this is right for her. I’m trying to not push the issue. While I see her as a natural dominant, I know it doesn’t matter what I think. Maybe I’m just a fun diversion for her, for now and that’s ok.

She’s amazing and I’m lucky.

Sometimes after worshiping her body she’ll say that I need to give my “gift” of oral to as many women as possible. I sometimes want to answer back “believe me I’m trying”.

So for now, I’m having fun. I’m still providing service to others but I’m not spending every waking minute thinking about how I can meet a Domme. That’s a big change for me. I’m trying to just live in the moment and enjoy the time we do spend together.

She does own one part of me for now, it feels amazingly erotic and I love the feeling of control.

It’s made me start to think why I enjoy that feeling of control so much. I mean, I know I’ve wanted it but haven’t experienced it in this way before. Why is that? Why does it turn me on so much to know she needs to give the OK first?

Still, even though it turns me on, I do feel nervous and scared. I don’t know why.

Friendship Collar

***note*** I’m drunk as I write this. Damn oral fixation never stops and drinkinga beer is sometimes the only way to keep my mouth busy.

I am one lucky SOB

Most submissive guys will never find someone. It’s simple yet sad math. If (at best) there is one dominant woman for every 10 submissive males, then 9 guys will never, ever find what they are looking for.

I have spent countless nights trying to accept the fact that I will probably die alone and wondering if I would be better off calling one of those phone numbers I’ve been given by vanilla women while at a part or hanging out at a bar.

The one thing I can take to the grave is how incredibly lucky I am when it comes to my friendships. I have never been lucky in love (sex maybe but not love), but friendships have been my rock, the base, the foundation that I always know I can depend on.

There is a similarity between serving someone I feel submissive to and service for someone I adore as a friend, tonight I practically begged two newly-found friends to let me upgrade their computer. It’s a way for me to show my appretiation for how much I adore them and want to please them.

Most of my friends are women, a majority are whom I’ve met either through casual dating or casual play. One of my best friends recently asked “Am I your only friend you haven’t fucked?”. I don’t play with any of them now (why is it hard for so many people to play and be friends?) but our friendships take care of other needs.

They know I love them. I was walking down the street the other day with a vanilla friend who happens to know about my “Unspeakable acts” as she once called it (hence the name) and we would laughing our asses off about something. Afterwards we hugged, said our I-love-yous and went on separate subway lines. Ever time something like that happens I feel so full of love and happiness that I occasionally get misty eyed.

I’ve recently met even more people I have a feeling will grow into long term friendships. I’m insanely lucky in friendships.

Sure being a submissive male can be trying at times. Sure it might be another year until I get another really good beating (crap the last one I got was around a year ago). But imagine if I was still living back home in the mid-west. Not being able to tell others about myself, not being able to meet so many amazing people. Fuck I love this city. Geez I’m really buzzed from too many beers right now.

Maybe this is it. Maybe serving my friends is the only long term relationship I’m going to have. Maybe my collar will be one of friendship and nothing more. That’s not so bad.

I’m starting on a list of my New Years goals/resolutions.

The first on my list? Stop blogging while drunk.

Any others I should add to the list?