I’ve been writing this post for a very very long time.
I keep coming back to it, writing it, rewriting it, getting frustrated and angry with myself and starting over again. Every time I’m no closer to writing something that makes sense because frankly, none of it does.
The thing is, I’m really scared.
There’s someone I really like and she really likes me. She wants more and so do I. The problem is I’m scared shitless.
See, every woman that I’ve ever loved, has left me. Every instance (all vanilla) has been the same, they said they loved me and then all of a sudden the just didn’t anymore. The last time this happened was seven year ago, and that knocked the wind out of me so hard that I didn’t really do anything but work for two years.
Since then I haven’t had anything but casual relationships. There were people I was interested in more than just casual but they didn’t feel the same. Now I meet someone I care about, someone I like and someone who likes me back. That hasn’t happened in seven years.
She’s everything I’ve been looking for and yet, I’m flinching before anything happens. It’s like I’m anticipating the punch before it’s thrown. I can’t help it, I’m stuck.
I have this wall that I didn’t know I had. I didn’t even know I had a wall until I met her.
She’s frustrated and understandably so. She knows all about my fears and why I can’t go forward from here but still that doesn’t help.
I’m frustrated and angry at myself.
How is it possible that I didn’t know I had this block all this time. All this time I’ve been crying, complaining, bitching and moaning about not having an “owner” and when I meet someone who may someday want that, I get scared. Scared that she’ll leave me before we even come close enough. It’s so sad it’s almost funny.
I’m such an asshole. Who does that?
How is it that I’m scared after all this time of looking for her?
She has said that she’s a transitional woman, since I’ve never been able to deal with it before now. That makes me sad because she deserves to be so much more than that, she deserves more than a title of “transitional woman”.
It’s not fair to her for us to continue the casual thing. She deserves more, she deserves to be adored outside of the bedroom as well.
I miss cuddling with her, miss all the dirty stuff and the clean stuff.
Every time we meet up I’m always taking lots of photos of her, she asks why and I always say the same thing, “I just like looking at you” and I do. The other reason is because I know someday I won’t be able to see her anymore, even as just a friend and I want to keep the memories and images of being with her for the rest of my life.
So now that I know I have this wall, how do I get over it?
She’s the first person I’ve been close to in seven years. I’ve shown more of myself to her than anyone else and still I can’t take my wall down.
It hurts me to know I’m not ready yet. All this time I thought I was.
It may take another seven years to find someone who’s even close to her.
Here all I want is to give her pleasure and I’m causing her frustration. Vanilla guys aren’t this much work. I’m not exactly the poster-boy for why women should date submissive men.
Seven Years and I didn’t even know.
How in the hell didn’t I know this about myself.
I hope it’s a relief to know that I’m the same way.
TALK TO HER. She thinks it’s all her fault.
Talk to her. You’re about to blow it.
Viviane- oh she knows all of this, she knows it’s not her fault. She knows I wish I didn’t have the wall.
Been lurking but as this is like looking in a mirror, I had to delurk.
Fear can freeze us so easily. Even if we acknowledge us, it still keeps us within it’s sharp teeth. Ask yourself if you’ll regret letting her go because of this fear. If you will…then flip your beast the finger and embrace this chance.
A friend of mine has recently said: “We spend too much living in the past or living in the future. Who lives in the present and what are we missing by not doing so? Maybe it’s time to let go of the ledge and trust the universe to embrace us when we fall.”
So Axe…let. go. of. the. ledge. You’ll be okay.
want to make sure that you know how much i’m thinking of you. i know that you’re going to find a way out of the woods. i’m totally here for you.
Axe, start seeing a therapist. For serious. I recommend cognitive-behavioral therapy. You’re thinking stuff, most of which is not true, that is freaking you out. They can help with that.
Dev- Trust me, I’ve emailed a few kink-friendly ones, haven’t heard anything back yet but fingers and toes crossed.
this post spoke to me… I have walls.. even now.. even with being with the man of my dreams.. I still have obstacles to overcome… years of mistreatment from different men. Whats worse is my last boyfriend tried to use my walls against me… even as he helped me build new ones. she sounds like a great and understanding woman… perhaps together, you can slowly break down those walls.
Axe, as someone who has been hurt by multiple commitmentphobes (some of whom were quite sweet and well-meaning, as you are,) I echo Viviane: keep communicating with your girl. When you start to run away, tell her why you’re about to bolt. Somehow, I always thought, if my first love could have done this, he would have been able to stop himself from running much of the time.
And also, I agree with whoever said seek therapy. It takes a lot of work to conquer fear.
And finally, you are a great guy for realizing all this. It’s nothing to do with vanilla or BDSM. It’s all about the crap we go through in our lives and relationships. You’re not an asshole.
The way I look at it – you can’t know at the beginning (and you probably can’t be 100% sure later on either) whether people are going to leave you – or whether you’re going to leave them. And yes, the more you get involved, the more you’ll be hurt if it falls apart. But I think good relationships are worth having while you’re having them, even if they don’t last. Even if you’re only left with happy memories, they’re worth the risk. And what’s the alternative?
(And don’t worry too much about your history. People do fall out of love and leave, and there are plenty of people who have mainly been on the ‘being left’ side. I don’t think it means as much as you think it does, honestly).
if you were a good friend i´d tell you to get over yourself
I was just like you, with a thick wall up to protect my heart. Then one day as I was zapping through the tv channels I came acroos an episode of Ally McBeal starring Dame Edna (bear with me.)
The lovely Dame gives Ally a valuable piece of advice.
“-Love is the only game you lose by not playing it”
To me, those words hit home. I was losing the game. I am not quite there yet, I am working on it, but I know that it is much better to wear my heart on my sleeve and risk it being crushed, than to hide it behind golden bricks, and never let it feel.
Ironic that as a submissive who understands how pain, something people generally avoid, can be a powerful part of intimacy, is immobilized when that pain is emotional and not physical.
You don’t get better at intimacy by waiting for something to happen. You get better at it by doing it. This fear of getting hurt isn’t about pain per se, but that you haven’t learned to validate yourself, but are seeking validation from your partner. It’s not the pain, it’s the rejection.
When intimate relationships end, for whatever reason, it is painful. But everything in life has an ending, but that doesn’t mean we don’t do anything.
Learn to validate yourself, and rejection isn’t scary any more. Now stop being flinchy and get in there and take some risks and grow. You are lucky she is being patient.
Maybe I’m oversimplifying, but this seems to me like a choice between happiness (that might end up being temporary), and no happiness.
There’s lots of good advice from your commenters. I hope you find some of it useful… and I hope you know that we’re all rooting for you!
There’s no way to begin to thank you for the comments and emails of support and advice.
Yes, she’s very patient, but I don’t blame her for not being able to wait for me while I work through this.
I don’t know how this will end but we will both be part of each-others world no matter what.
It’s so very stupid that I didn’t know I was afraid of this.
So, I’m not online much, but ping me if you need someone to bounce ideas or fears off of.