I’ve been writing this post for a very very long time.
I keep coming back to it, writing it, rewriting it, getting frustrated and angry with myself and starting over again. Every time I’m no closer to writing something that makes sense because frankly, none of it does.
The thing is, I’m really scared.
There’s someone I really like and she really likes me. She wants more and so do I. The problem is I’m scared shitless.
See, every woman that I’ve ever loved, has left me. Every instance (all vanilla) has been the same, they said they loved me and then all of a sudden the just didn’t anymore. The last time this happened was seven year ago, and that knocked the wind out of me so hard that I didn’t really do anything but work for two years.
Since then I haven’t had anything but casual relationships. There were people I was interested in more than just casual but they didn’t feel the same. Now I meet someone I care about, someone I like and someone who likes me back. That hasn’t happened in seven years.
She’s everything I’ve been looking for and yet, I’m flinching before anything happens. It’s like I’m anticipating the punch before it’s thrown. I can’t help it, I’m stuck.
I have this wall that I didn’t know I had. I didn’t even know I had a wall until I met her.
She’s frustrated and understandably so. She knows all about my fears and why I can’t go forward from here but still that doesn’t help.
I’m frustrated and angry at myself.
How is it possible that I didn’t know I had this block all this time. All this time I’ve been crying, complaining, bitching and moaning about not having an “owner” and when I meet someone who may someday want that, I get scared. Scared that she’ll leave me before we even come close enough. It’s so sad it’s almost funny.
I’m such an asshole. Who does that?
How is it that I’m scared after all this time of looking for her?
She has said that she’s a transitional woman, since I’ve never been able to deal with it before now. That makes me sad because she deserves to be so much more than that, she deserves more than a title of “transitional woman”.
It’s not fair to her for us to continue the casual thing. She deserves more, she deserves to be adored outside of the bedroom as well.
I miss cuddling with her, miss all the dirty stuff and the clean stuff.
Every time we meet up I’m always taking lots of photos of her, she asks why and I always say the same thing, “I just like looking at you” and I do. The other reason is because I know someday I won’t be able to see her anymore, even as just a friend and I want to keep the memories and images of being with her for the rest of my life.
So now that I know I have this wall, how do I get over it?
She’s the first person I’ve been close to in seven years. I’ve shown more of myself to her than anyone else and still I can’t take my wall down.
It hurts me to know I’m not ready yet. All this time I thought I was.
It may take another seven years to find someone who’s even close to her.
Here all I want is to give her pleasure and I’m causing her frustration. Vanilla guys aren’t this much work. I’m not exactly the poster-boy for why women should date submissive men.
Seven Years and I didn’t even know.
How in the hell didn’t I know this about myself.