I’m TOO submissive

I have been a paying member on Nerve for almost two years. I’ve been on alt and collarme for….well for ages.

I joined Nerve because a Domme friend suggested it.

“You’ll probably find more non-pros on Nerve and more people open to relationships, women are fairly honest and open about what they’re looking for on Nerve.”

I had changed my profile a number of times. At first I merely hinted at being submissive, had tons of “winks” and emails but none from any that were actually dominant or even open to it. I sent countless emails, went on so many dates that it makes my head spin, but didn’t meet a single woman even open to being dominant.

Now my profile is much more blunt, I come right out and explain that I’m only interested in women who are at least curious about BDSM. Now I only get emails asking “what’s BDSM?” and the winks have gone down as well. Two years and not one Domme.

Until this week.

She emailed me asking how “a sweet boy from the midwest became interested in BDSM”. We emailed a few times and she almost demanded that we meet. We met the day after our first email.

I arrived at the bar and spotted her instantly and she smiled at me from across the room. She was even more beautiful than her profile photos.

We talked, she laughed almost the entire time. I was in my element. I was on! I was charming, funny and was hitting this one out of the park.

Then she said something that I had heard before, something that made my stomach hurt the second I heard it. I almost excused myself to use the bathroom because I could feel my eyes getting a little watery.

“I’ve never been with a truly submissive man before.”

She didn’t say it as though it was something she was interested in doing she just said it as a fact. I knew exactly what she meant when she said it.

She’s an Angelina Jolie type:

She’s an incredibly beautiful, powerful and devastatingly smart dominant woman. She can get ANY guy to submit to her. She’s never even heard of Collarme and has only gone to Alt for a good laugh, never to browse or look for a submissive man. She doesn’t need to go there.

She enjoys making a man do something he wouldn’t normally do, she loves the challenge. With me, there’s no challenge, she knows I’ll eagerly submit to her desires and because of that I’m no use to her. She made several comments about how there’s nothing hotter than making a man submit who normally wouldn’t.

There I was sitting across from every submissive man’s dream, she was the reason I moved to New York and yet I’d have a better chance with her if she didn’t know I was submissive. I’d have a better chance if she thought I didn’t want to do everything she enjoyed.

She asked all the normal questions the Angelina Jolie type will ask:

-You’ve been looking for almost all your life and you’ve never had a D/s relationship? Why? How’s that possible?

-I would think most women would want a boy like you. You’re attractive, smart, funny and want nothing more than to please a dominant woman.

-Have you tried CraigsList?

-Have you tried meeting a vanilla woman and then telling her after she’s fallen in love with you? If a woman loved you she’s give you whatever you want.

-Are you too picky?

We had fun and she want’s to be friends.

I have a few friends like her:

I’ll get to hear all of the dirty details about how she gets vanilla men to submit to her in ways they never thought they would. I’ll console her and give her advice when she’s having problems “training” her vanilla boyfriend. She will constantly be amazed when she hears my stories about trying to find a woman like her and she will try to console me even though she has no frame of reference. She will make the occasional joke about dominating me but never will. I will ache for her every time I see her.

Oh well, maybe she has a sister.

I’m taking my Nerve profile down once it expires next month.


Sorry to have missed you tonight. Apparently you left right before I got there.

I hope you find what you desire. I know you will.

I haven’t done this myself, but what about a more focused service, like bondage.com?

Lolita- Sorry I missed you too!!!!

Mina- I hope you’re right.

Viviane- Thanks, yes I’m a member there as well but there are very few Dommes on bondage.com. Or anywhere else for that matter:)

I don’t think she’s what you want. She may look good on the outside, but she doesn’t sound like it.

First of all, your ideal woman desires you — or someone very like you. Miss Angelina doesn’t. She wants a vanilla boy with whom to play manipulative little games, and she thought you were him.

Also, the thing about letting a woman fall in love with you so she’ll do whatever you want? I’m scared that she’d suggest it.

I know she’s gorgeous, but perhaps, you deserve more than a woman who reduces your sexual orientation to something easily gratified on Casual Encounters.

The advice of dating a vanilla woman and then springing this on her sucks. Would you really want to be dominated just out of the goodness of someone’s heart, or because your girlfriend is afraid of losing you if she doesn’t give you what you want? That’s not dominance, it’s just roleplaying.

Sorry, I’m sure you know this, and I don’t mean to lecture.

I don’t know you, and you could be a total jerk or whatever, but I feel for you on the basis of this. There are real dominant women seeking real submissive men. Seriously. Men like you make me feel all warm and gooey inside (and hot, and wet, etc.)

Don’t settle for someone who doesn’t really desire your submission for its own sake.

i followed the link to your post here from a sugasm list, thinking that i had to see what “i’m too submissive” means. so often it’s a competition thing, an “i’m more submissive than you” assertion. but once i got here i could see that you had no such thing in mind. and despite all of the things everyone said about this woman not being someone you would want anyway, i really feel for you. how frustrating! your writing conveys your pain beautifully, although of course that doesn’t help either. ๐Ÿ™‚

D/s is about trust, not manipulation. she sounds like an odd breed of heartless, even for the city. it’s a shame that people who are so messed up on the inside are allowed to be so beautiful on the outside.

There is a point where it’s not fun anymore, where the guy does not seem to want submission but rather, wants to put all the motive force of his life outside of himself.

I don’t think a guy who wants me to live his life for him is sexy.

I second what Calico said- there’s a difference between a manipulator and a dominant, even if it looks the same on the outside. ๐Ÿ™‚

Calico: I think she just hadn’t had any experience with someone like me before. We’ve been in contact a lot lately and can tell she’s quite a sincere and good person.

Dev: So glad I can make you gooey and all that stuff.

Persephone: Again, after learning more about her I’ve realized she was just not experienced with a guy like me. She’s really an amazing person, as I suspected.

This is a classic problem. Lots of amazing people are so ignorant about so much of kink that they simply make those of us who aren’t roll our eyes time and time again. If you’re still in touch, why not try to bring her into the community a bit more? Not necessarily as your dominant, just a friend.

In any event, I’ve had similar experiences. Women seeking “bad boys” or “alpha males” who they can make weak at the knees and seduce. They could certainly seduce me, too, until the moment I realized they didn’t want me. Once I saw that, I suddenly stopped wanting them. Submission is not something to be manipulated out of me, it’s something to be earned.

I am with Calico on this one. She sounds like the person I am trying to avoid being. OK, I don’t look like Angelina, but I do have My moments of confident and smart ๐Ÿ™‚

For Me, submission isn’t about manipulation, it’s about freedom – Mine and that of the other one, to be what we desire. I don’t mind a bit of manipulation or cruelty on My part, as long as we both know it’s what we want. But I don’t care about pushing people around just to prove I can. I want to push them around because it’s how we both like to live our lives.

I know I leaving entirely too many posts today, but honestly this woman made me mad. I’m no Angelina type either, far more a Helen Hunt type actually. But seeing you treated this way….damn. She has no idea what she is missing I think. Not nice to troll sites just to toy with people. And she has no idea what submission would mean in this case.
I don’t know you, but I doubt you are too submissive, in the sense that you want to serve. Online dating sux ass, as I am finding lately.

Interesting facts.I have bookmarked this site. stephanazs

well there is such a thing as Too submissive. You know what the dominant woman of my dreams thinks of me? well, she doesn’t think at all, she totally ignores me; it’s like i don’t exist. I agree with everything she says, I keep re-iterating how beautiful she is. In the end, I can’t even get her to pay attention to me. The guys she does pay attention to, disagree with almost everything she says and flirt very well with her. The next time I meet someone like that I’m going to have to PRETEND to be non-submissive.

Women seem to be the more naturally submissive of the sexes. Many BDSM websites have plenty of submissive women but few looking for submissive men. I’d love to have a relationship with a woman who likes to take the lead, be in control and have her way with me. Someone described me as a subbie sex toy. I’ve tried too, but don’t seem to get any takers.

I’m not sure if women just jump to the assumption that it is hard core BDSM that I am looking for or what. Personally, I’m just looking for soft core stuff, invisible chains, and would even be happy even with a fling on the side, but women just don’t seem to go for this for some reason. Anyone know why?

Angelina and Brad are Perfect Couple!

It’s been months since this post was made, so I don’t know if the guy’s still around, but coolandcasual1: 1. Asking “what women want” is insulting and demeaning. It goes way back to Freud and his insulting, misogynistic pathologizing of women. We are not a hivemind anymore than men are a hivemind, even when you look at a smaller subsection of women such as femdoms. 2. Assuming that the majority behavior evidenced by women is “natural” is a nasty little something called gender essentialism and it makes no sense. We live and breathe culture and it shapes us far more than biology in many ways. Assuming some “natural” way of behaving just doesn’t work — not on the level of justice (this kind of thinking being the sort of thing that has been used to justify patriarchy) and not on the level of logic.

If you want to be more attractive to dominant women, you might consider cutting the misogynistic stereotyping and essentializing out. Sexism really isn’t sexy.