Funny Emails From Vanilla Woman

So I’ve joined after a very very long break. My profile only briefly mentions kink in any way but I’m not going to hide it. I don’t want to waste my time with someone who isn’t aware of what she’s getting into. Sure if I were made of money it would be a different story. Not to mention I hate going through the motions of acting vanilla only to have the woman freak out and get pissed that I didn’t mention my submission from the beginning. The majority of the profile is very clean and does make me sound pretty vanilla actually. I talk about growing up on a farm, my musical tastes, what I enjoy in life ect.

Over the past few day’s I’ve had some interesting emails.

I emailed one woman and had this response:

“Sorry, there can only be one sub in the bedroom, and it has to be me! But I am sure we’ll both find what we’re looking for.


Ok, well, at least she was nice.

-After one woman winked at me I sent her an email thanking me for the wink. She then read my profile further and replied with this:

“so sometimes i’ll casually hurl a wink based on raw instinct/curiosity, without dissecting a profile too much … didn’t catch the BDSM “Update” section …
i’m actually very open-minded about the whole delicious world of sex and touch, but hawking for partners online seems … skeevy.
(and unless your recent dates have been nuns, i think you’ll find women are open to lots of things, once they feel safe & trust the guy …)
thanks for emailing, still seem like a cool guy, just don’t want to mislead you into thinking i own handcuffs.”

I wanted to reply with “oh? You must know a lot about dating vanilla women. They really seem open do they? Wow, I’ll remember that next time a woman says “eww” to me when I mention BDSM. Oh and thanks for calling me skeevy. I feel great about myself now.

-Another woman was very nice with her lack of interest.

“It’s funny, i imagine that the statistics are stacked against you a little bit. If you are lucky enough to get a kinky girl – i bet its probably more likely she is going to be submissive. Culturally, i imagine that is just a how it goes more often than not. but, I’m sure they are out there. . . . and you seem like a great guy and deserve it all – good luck out there.”

-Yet another tried to offer some helpful advice

“I think you’re looking in the wrong place for a kinky girl. I am sure there are lots of women on websites like alt. If you join a group like I’m sure you will meet someone in no time.”

Well at least she was trying to help.

One woman has said she’d be up for getting drinks sometime as long as I didn’t show up wearing “leather and spikes”. That’s much better luck than I expected.

Putting away my leather and spikes now and hope she emails back soon.

I’m Not A Man. Wait, What?

A big thanks to Funkybrownchick for writing about how she likes submissive men. Granted she only likes submissive men to be “slightly” submissive (she doesn’t want to hurt them) but it’s still nice to know there are women out there who can see a submissive man as someone who’s still a man. I’ve started to ponder what the difference is between a submissive guy and a slightly submissive guy. That’s for another post.

It’s been something like four months since I’ve been intimate with anyone. The last woman I was with set the bar pretty high so it’s not like I don’t have some wonderful memories. Still…it would be nice not to miss her. It would be nice to meet a distraction or someone to fill the void.

After hearing about a number of my kinky female friends meeting open minded people on, I decided to revisit my account. I’ve sent a few emails but most of them are replied by submissive women.

On the bright side, at least I do get email replies on Okcupid. Even though most aren’t exactly ego boosting.

Here’s one reply I received:

“I read your profile and i’m kinda confused,i’ve never met someone who admits that he want a dominant woman,i thought that man wants to be man. in my past relationships my partners were the dominant ones,but maybe that was the problem:)but i’m dominant at work so i need balance in my life.”

“Have you tried to be a dominant person in a relationship or you alwys were the submissive?In my opinion every normal woman wants to be the submissive in a relationship.”

Yeesh I don’t even know how to respond to that one. I just sat there reading it over and over with my mouth open.

I’ve also opened up a free account on There is one catch though, you can’t even read your emails unless you pay. That’s how they get you.

I’ve got a number of emails from women just sitting in my inbox and I can’t read them. What if they’re from the Domme of my dreams? Of course each email lets you see who the email is from and wouldn’t you know they’re all fetish models.

They also claim to have a “hook up guarantee”. If you don’t “hook up” with someone after three months, you’ll get three months free. I can’t seem to find what they consider a hook up though. I’m looking and looking and can’t seem to find the fine print on this deal.

It can’t be any worse than adultfriendfinder, collarme or alt. At least the women on OKcupid will email back.

Rejection is sometimes better than being ignored.


Not As Desperate As I Once Was

It’s kinda lame when I think back at how desperate I used to be.

I used to spend hours every night browsing alt, craigslist, collarme. Hours and hours lost that I’ll never get back.

Here are a few things I used to do that I’ve stopped doing as of this past winter.

-I had an alert that would pop up on my desktop every time a dominant woman would post an ad on craigslist.

-I’d agree to meet any dominant woman, even if I knew she was only looking for money. I’d hope that I’d be good enough to make her reconsider.

-I’d post an ad almost every other day on craigslist and reply to every one I could find in NY and NJ. (I had to make a separate email account due to the massive number of spam emails I’d get).

-I’d log onto collarme every morning, lunch-break and night to see if any new dominant women had signed up for the service so I could be one of the first to email her.

-I would rent a car or take a train to travel hours just to meet someone for the first time (usually only to turn around and leave shortly after meeting them or being stood-up by them).

-I paid the big-bucks for a gold membership on alt with all the bells and whistle, knowing that there are some women who won’t even blink at a guy unless he’s paid for the expensive membership (one woman said “It’s how I can tell he’s serious”).

So now. Not so much. I know why I’m not so desperate too. I met someone who changed my perception entirely. She had never even heard of collarme. She hadn’t even searched for it because she didn’t need to. Any guy would submit to her.

I realized that there are more dominant women who never go on alt, collarme or craigslist. Sure, some do, but most don’t. Why spend hours on those websites when most aren’t even there?

Maybe I’ve just accepted the fact that there’s really not much one can do. Just try and relax, enjoy your time with your friends, make some new ones and hope for the best.

I still show my desperate side now and then but for the most part…it’s just me being really really eager.

Guess What? That Exotic Dancer Want’s Money

She was one of the few people I actually met from

I sent her an email months earlier. She confessed that she only replied out of boredom and that I looked better than most guys who replied to her ad.

I could have told you that it wouldn’t have worked out before we even met. It was one word that tipped it off to me: SUCCESSFUL

I do consider myself successful. Granted, my definition isn’t the same as women who write ads on

Why do I consider myself successful? Well, I have a job, lots of friends I love and they love me. What else is there right?

I know I know. I’m kinda lying to myself on this one.

Anyway, we met downtown at a restaurant she picked. Not an expensive place (the true litmus test for someone only looking for a guy with money) and not a place one would consider a woman would test to see if the guy flinched at the bill or not.

She asked what I did for a living, she was interested in my previous career and mentioned how she was an exotic dancer putting herself through college. I didn’t flinch and she seemed relieved that I had no problems with it.

We talked, she seemed nice. She confessed that she was looking to move in with a submissive man in the city (she lived in Jersey) and was visibly upset when she learned I lived in Harlem.

Obviously my idea of success wasn’t hers.

She thanked me for lunch, mentioned that she needed to go and hoped we would meet again soon.

Two days later I sent her a text asking if she wanted to meet for drinks and she sent back something along the lines of:

“You’re attractive, smart, sincere and eager to please. I want someone attractive, smart, sincere, eager to please and can take care of me financially.”

In hindsight, it’s one of the nicest ways has let me down.

The fact that she was an erotic dancer has nothing to do with the story really, I’ve seen the “successful” line from more women who weren’t exotic dancers than those who are.

Now that I think of it. Did I lead her on? Am I the one to blame here because I had a feeling she wanted a guy with money and still I replied to her ad?

How To Tell If That Domme You’re Emailing Is Really A Man

It’s happened to me oh…maybe ten or twenty times in the past.

It’s stopped happening since I stopped paying for my membership.

After sending countless emails and finally getting a reply back from a dominant woman, you spend weeks emailing only to find out that all that time was wasted on someone with balls.

I have balls. I don’t need more balls in my life.

Unless they’re connected to a harness maybe.


Where was I? Oh yeah.

Here are a few signs that the Domme you’ve been emailing might be a guy.

-Wants you to buy a webcam.

-Wants you to send photos of your naughty bits.

-Refuses to talk on the phone after many emails and it seems you really click.

-Asked if you’re into forced-bi within the first email.

-Want’s you to prove your submission by getting fucked by one of her male slaves before she’ll meet you.

-Has a beard.

-Sends you photos that look like they were scanned from a magazine, because they were scanned from a magazine.

There are more ways of course, I’ve been “tricked” a number of times. The “you must get fucked by my slave before meeting” is very common.

And sad.

This makes me wonder, would any dominant woman ever in the history of the world demand this of a potential submissive?