New Years House Cleaning

I’m getting ready for the New Year!

I’m still debating on what I’ll be doing for New Years eve. A friend will be heading to BDSM event though not sure I want to shell out the cash for it. I’ve had a number of invitations for parties with some of my ‘nilla friends. I’ll probably end up flipping a coin.

Meanwhile I’ve been doing some New Years house cleaning in preparation for the next 12 months.

I do have a list of goals I’m going to set (one is to get a beating that I can still feel the day after) but my immediate goal is to remove some of the things that have caused me stress over this past year.

I’ve decided not to renew my profile. It’s still there, I just won’t be sending any emails. Actually, now that I think of it. I’ll probably get the same number of emails I was getting when the profile was in gold status.

There’s one woman who I’ve been eager to serve, play, worship, do anything with. She knows this and has used it to torment me but not in a good way. She will text or call me, flirt with me just to get me to become eager to be with her, then I won’t hear from her for weeks. Then she’ll do it again, calling me expressing interest in doing something then she’ll cancel our plans the last minute. She’s been like this since I first met her in March. I know what she’s doing. Whenever she needs to feel wanted or desired she calls me. She constantly gets my hopes up only to cancel at the last minute. She’ll talk about wanting me to sleep at the foot of her bed chained and used just to get me excited. Then she’ll cancel hours before meeting. Over and over we’ve played this dance. She’s probably canceled close to a dozen times.

Two weeks ago I sent her a text after once such cancellation:

“Look, you know how badly I want to submit to you. You’ve said that you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. You have me if you want me but there’s nothing more I can do. It’s there to take if you want it, but it won’t be there forever.”

No reply

Today I got a text message from her asking what my plans were for the weekend.

I didn’t respond.

Cleaning house.

Fighting The Dominatrix Stereotype

One of my best friends said something to me that made me even more frustrated with the stereotype of a dominant woman. We were talking about how she was coping with her relationship with her submissive coming to an end. She was understandably upset about it and was questioning herself and her desire to be in a D/s relationship. When acknowledged her disappointment and sadness she said “It’s not very Domme-like is it?”

I tried to explain to her that just because she’s dominant, doesn’t mean she won’t second guess or feel down like everyone else. She’s human after all. She an incredibly powerful, smart woman and an amazing Domme, but even superman has kryptonite.

This may be one reason why so many women don’t feel comfortable showing their dominant side. They believe that they need to fit into some mold of a Dominatrix, always confident, always sexual and always “acting” dominant.

Here are just a few reasons why some dominants have told me they sometimes feel less of a Domme.

1: She didn’t feel comfortable yelling at a man.

I’ve played with a decent number (yet still far too small) of dominant women and I can’t remember being yelled at once. The only time I’ve ever seen a Domme yell is in BDSM movies. A whisper is more powerful than a yell in my book.

2: She didn’t want to have to be the one who does all of the work when it comes to sex.

I’ll grant you that when it comes to some forms of play, the submissive does do less “work” (nice work if you can get it), but when it comes to actual sex, I find that I’m the one that is encouraged to be a human fucking machine, not her.

3: She didn’t like to cause a great deal of pain.

As someone who identifies as a masochist, I can say that, while I enjoy being ripped apart, beaten and left as a shivering puddle of flesh on the floor (ok that hasn’t happened yet but fingers crossed for someday) it’s 1/10000th of the possibilities out there. Just because she wasn’t a sadist doesn’t mean she wasn’t a good dominant.

4: She wanted a man for a boyfriend, not a doormat.

This comes down to the submissive and how their submission manifests itself, some may be prone to acting like a doormat. Mine gives me strength. I feel more powerful when I know I’ve pleased either through service or sexually. If I’ve made her cum a record number of times using only my mouth and sacrificed (sacrificed isn’t the best word, but I’m kinda sleepy as I write this) my own pleasure for hers, I feel taken, used and…more masculine. The same goes for the rare occasion I get a really heavy beating, I feel stronger knowing I could take it for her.

5: She just felt like cuddling.

I’m a cuddle whore…give me your best shot….please.

6. She felt uncomfortable humiliating a man.

I’m at a loss on this one. I’ve never been humiliated in the context of play (plenty of times when falling for some phony on collarme or alt however) and haven’t felt the need to explore it nor have I ever been with anyone who enjoyed it.

7: She had a hard day and needed a good cry.

Again, the idea that a dominant woman is impervious to feeling blue is insane. I’ve tried to talk friends through this feeling in the past and it’s a difficult one to combat since it battles some crazy caricature.

I still don’t have a good logical explanation for it. For me it’s obvious but I lack a good way to comfort someone in this situation.

How do you explain to a dominant that just because she may have been tricked by a submissive or had her heart broken by one, it doesn’t make her less of a good dominant?

I’m TOO submissive

I have been a paying member on Nerve for almost two years. I’ve been on alt and collarme for….well for ages.

I joined Nerve because a Domme friend suggested it.

“You’ll probably find more non-pros on Nerve and more people open to relationships, women are fairly honest and open about what they’re looking for on Nerve.”

I had changed my profile a number of times. At first I merely hinted at being submissive, had tons of “winks” and emails but none from any that were actually dominant or even open to it. I sent countless emails, went on so many dates that it makes my head spin, but didn’t meet a single woman even open to being dominant.

Now my profile is much more blunt, I come right out and explain that I’m only interested in women who are at least curious about BDSM. Now I only get emails asking “what’s BDSM?” and the winks have gone down as well. Two years and not one Domme.

Until this week.

She emailed me asking how “a sweet boy from the midwest became interested in BDSM”. We emailed a few times and she almost demanded that we meet. We met the day after our first email.

I arrived at the bar and spotted her instantly and she smiled at me from across the room. She was even more beautiful than her profile photos.

We talked, she laughed almost the entire time. I was in my element. I was on! I was charming, funny and was hitting this one out of the park.

Then she said something that I had heard before, something that made my stomach hurt the second I heard it. I almost excused myself to use the bathroom because I could feel my eyes getting a little watery.

“I’ve never been with a truly submissive man before.”

She didn’t say it as though it was something she was interested in doing she just said it as a fact. I knew exactly what she meant when she said it.

She’s an Angelina Jolie type:

She’s an incredibly beautiful, powerful and devastatingly smart dominant woman. She can get ANY guy to submit to her. She’s never even heard of Collarme and has only gone to Alt for a good laugh, never to browse or look for a submissive man. She doesn’t need to go there.

She enjoys making a man do something he wouldn’t normally do, she loves the challenge. With me, there’s no challenge, she knows I’ll eagerly submit to her desires and because of that I’m no use to her. She made several comments about how there’s nothing hotter than making a man submit who normally wouldn’t.

There I was sitting across from every submissive man’s dream, she was the reason I moved to New York and yet I’d have a better chance with her if she didn’t know I was submissive. I’d have a better chance if she thought I didn’t want to do everything she enjoyed.

She asked all the normal questions the Angelina Jolie type will ask:

-You’ve been looking for almost all your life and you’ve never had a D/s relationship? Why? How’s that possible?

-I would think most women would want a boy like you. You’re attractive, smart, funny and want nothing more than to please a dominant woman.

-Have you tried CraigsList?

-Have you tried meeting a vanilla woman and then telling her after she’s fallen in love with you? If a woman loved you she’s give you whatever you want.

-Are you too picky?

We had fun and she want’s to be friends.

I have a few friends like her:

I’ll get to hear all of the dirty details about how she gets vanilla men to submit to her in ways they never thought they would. I’ll console her and give her advice when she’s having problems “training” her vanilla boyfriend. She will constantly be amazed when she hears my stories about trying to find a woman like her and she will try to console me even though she has no frame of reference. She will make the occasional joke about dominating me but never will. I will ache for her every time I see her.

Oh well, maybe she has a sister.

I’m taking my Nerve profile down once it expires next month.