In A Fog

I can barely remember everything she did. Probably because i’m still in a bit of a fog.

As I write this Sade and I are on our way back home, riding the subway early in the morning.


I remember how we had been taking to two of our good friends when she turned to me and said “Well, I think it’s time to string you up and beat you”.

I remember the ropes pulled above my head.

I remember the gag in my mouth prying my jaws apart,h the leather blindfold, how she would work over the skin of my my back until it felt like it was on fire then feeling a break in the beating she was giving me much to my relief only to have my skin met with her teeth clamping down on me.

Wait was that just an incredibly odd run on sentence?
Fuck it I’m still flying.

She bit down on me hard, I could feel her mouth vibrate when she moaned from the sensation. Just when my moans were about to turn into cries she let go and blew a gentle bit of air over the sensitive skin then clamped down on a different part of my back giving it the same treatment.

She flogged me for a while longer until she picked up another implement. I couldn’t tell what it was, since all of her toys were sitting behind me

“This is going to sting.”

And it did.
At some point she leaned in and whispered to me, asked me if I wanted more. I didn’t need to think it over very long.

At one point I felt her sucking and biting on my nipples while still feeling the sting of her flogger. What was happening? Did she invite someone else in our little play space? I panicked for a half a second until I felt a slap on my opposite side. It was her hand AND her mouth. Now that I’m no longer in the moment I’m amazed at her ability to multi-task.

I’d growl from the pain and she’d moan with approval. I’d bark and she’d purr.

My wrists strained against the rope, pulling me up to my toes when the pain got to the highest point.

As I write this now, I realize that there wasn’t a single part of me that wanted it to stop. Usually there’s this small 1% of me, the fight or flight part. Call it instiinct, self preservation or my monkey brain, but usually there’s that 1% that wants it to stop but not this time. Not even .000000001 % wanted it to stop.

It was wonderful.

Treated Like An Animal

I’ve had three people ask me what I’m into over the past week.

There’s never a good answer to this one since it all depends on who I’m with, what the energy is and what she’s into.

While I love bondage, I also adore letting the woman relax and enjoy herself while I do all the work of kissing and tasting every inch of her body.

What’s more important is what she is into. If I check out the profile of a woman on Fetlife and read her list of kinks, chances are I’m into most of them.

Then someone asked me what I’ve been fantasizing about lately. That’s a different question.

It depends on my mood of but lately I’ve thought a lot about one thing in particular. I’ve been thinking about being used.

Being tied up and objectified, tortured, teased, abused, fucked and everything else you can imagine.

To be treated like an animal and I don’t mean puppy or pony play.

I’ve been fantasizing about being tied or chained standing up, whipped, punched, clamped, gagged, bent over and fucked. Torn to shreds until I’m on my knees and then finally allowed to taste her. Maybe being teased the entire time until I’m allowed to fuck her or get fucked by her until she’s satisfied and we’re both drained.

I have so much pent up sexual and non-sexual energy, I just need a release. I need to be pushed..far and hard.

So yeah, that’s what I’ve been thinking about lately.

Some Parts Controlled

Well here’s some good news.

I’ve been spending more time with…hmmm what do I call her? It’ll come to me.

She really seems to enjoy exploring her dominance, it’s always been a part of her but she hasn’t been able to openly control and manipulate someone before. She does admit that she’s not as driven to explore her dominance as much as I am driven by my desire to submit.

We’ve talked at great lengths about D/s, the scene and what we’re looking for. She doesn’t know what she’s looking for right now and I can understand that. We both know that, no matter what, we both want to remain friends.

She has decided she wants to “own my cock”. It’s hers right now. I must always text her if I want to cum while I’m alone and of course she has full use of it whenever she wants. The rest of me, well, it’s still mine.

It feels amazing to have someone want control over even part of me. It’s also made me realize how..umm…active I am in that area.

I know she’s still dating other people. We haven’t defined if we’re dating, hanging out, really good friends with benefits or what it is but when we’re together it’s amazing and passionate and all that good stuff.

She often comments on how she’s not sure if this is right for her. I’m trying to not push the issue. While I see her as a natural dominant, I know it doesn’t matter what I think. Maybe I’m just a fun diversion for her, for now and that’s ok.

She’s amazing and I’m lucky.

Sometimes after worshiping her body she’ll say that I need to give my “gift” of oral to as many women as possible. I sometimes want to answer back “believe me I’m trying”.

So for now, I’m having fun. I’m still providing service to others but I’m not spending every waking minute thinking about how I can meet a Domme. That’s a big change for me. I’m trying to just live in the moment and enjoy the time we do spend together.

She does own one part of me for now, it feels amazingly erotic and I love the feeling of control.

It’s made me start to think why I enjoy that feeling of control so much. I mean, I know I’ve wanted it but haven’t experienced it in this way before. Why is that? Why does it turn me on so much to know she needs to give the OK first?

Still, even though it turns me on, I do feel nervous and scared. I don’t know why.

Experiencing Chastity: My Hair-Brained Scheme

This post has had me thinking of another one of my curiosities.

I have always been curious about having a woman control my orgasms. It’s something I’m sure would intensify my feelings of submission and make me feel more owned. A chastity device would be a constant reminder of of my submission.

I don’t know how long I could last. I think initially I just like the idea of having myself saved for her pleasure only. She and I would still have sex but jerking off would be obviously out of the question.

It would require something more than a casual play partner though. Unless the person had me in it a day or two before a planned meeting, but that would make a cancelled date a horrible turn of events.

I’m incredibly curious about the subject and am dying to try it. I actually have an idea that might be “so crazy it just might work”.

Enter: The US Postal Service

Here’s my thought. Buy a chastity device and mail myself the key!

Brilliant right?

I could put it on Monday morning, mail myself the key and have it Tuesday or Wednesday. If I wanted to go longer I could mail it on a friday morning and not have it until after the weekend.

I know, I know. Three or for days isn’t that long compared to others who have experienced chastity. But we’re talking about me here. Technically I’d be topping myself and well…I’m not a good top so a few days is good enough.

A friend of mine did point out that I’d be screwed if the key were ever lost in the mail.

Funny to be screwed by a device that is meant to prevent any screwing at all.

New Years House Cleaning

I’m getting ready for the New Year!

I’m still debating on what I’ll be doing for New Years eve. A friend will be heading to BDSM event though not sure I want to shell out the cash for it. I’ve had a number of invitations for parties with some of my ‘nilla friends. I’ll probably end up flipping a coin.

Meanwhile I’ve been doing some New Years house cleaning in preparation for the next 12 months.

I do have a list of goals I’m going to set (one is to get a beating that I can still feel the day after) but my immediate goal is to remove some of the things that have caused me stress over this past year.

I’ve decided not to renew my Alt.com profile. It’s still there, I just won’t be sending any emails. Actually, now that I think of it. I’ll probably get the same number of emails I was getting when the profile was in gold status.

There’s one woman who I’ve been eager to serve, play, worship, do anything with. She knows this and has used it to torment me but not in a good way. She will text or call me, flirt with me just to get me to become eager to be with her, then I won’t hear from her for weeks. Then she’ll do it again, calling me expressing interest in doing something then she’ll cancel our plans the last minute. She’s been like this since I first met her in March. I know what she’s doing. Whenever she needs to feel wanted or desired she calls me. She constantly gets my hopes up only to cancel at the last minute. She’ll talk about wanting me to sleep at the foot of her bed chained and used just to get me excited. Then she’ll cancel hours before meeting. Over and over we’ve played this dance. She’s probably canceled close to a dozen times.

Two weeks ago I sent her a text after once such cancellation:

“Look, you know how badly I want to submit to you. You’ve said that you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. You have me if you want me but there’s nothing more I can do. It’s there to take if you want it, but it won’t be there forever.”

No reply

Today I got a text message from her asking what my plans were for the weekend.

I didn’t respond.

Cleaning house.