Or, why am I still writing?
Everything I write sounds exactly the same doesn’t it? It’s just one big bitch and moan session after another. I sit down and write something in 5 minutes and look at it days later and think “Fuck it sounds like it’s one big pity party” or “I wrote about this exact same thing a month ago”. Am I so passionate about the subject matter that I can rehash the same thing over and over again? Do I just not have anything else to talk about?
I can tell you exactly what my next thousand posts are going to be. More bitching and moaning about the lifestyle, the lack of dominant women, questions about kink that I haven’t experienced, the list goes on. More of the same really.
Nothing’s new. Nothing’s on the horizon.
I really really need a hobby.
Lately I’ve been wondering if being submissive is really an orientation. Is it a need or a want?
I’ve always felt that it is a need but now I realize that there are different levels of need.
For example: My need for oxygen is much higher than my need for a job. If I ever have to choose between being a wage slave and breathing, it’ll be an easy choice.
What if there’s a choice between being really kinky and being with someone? What if the choice was being submissive and alone or being vanilla and with someone you adore?
What if the choice was to act vanilla and not be alone or be true to myself and risk always being alone? It happens all the time. If you go to events in NYC you can be sure to run into guys ten or twenty years past their retirement and they’re still looking for a Domme.
I’ve met a reader recently for coffee and was told: “I thought you’d be sadder in person”. I do a good job of covering it up. Most of the time I am pretty happy but these past couple of months have been harder to hold back my sadness. Or maybe it’s self-pity.
I’ve done my share of crying the past few weeks. Sexy right? Wish I could say it was because a hot dominant woman was putting me through my paces. I feel very alone. If it weren’t for my many friends I would have holed up long ago. My friends are the only reason I get up in the morning. I need that paycheck to go out for drinks, coffee or window shopping in Soho.
On the bright side I have been working out more often. Yoga and just stuff at home. I need to buy different shoes since the converse all-stars aren’t the best for running. It’s a good stress reliever.
So, I can save you some reading time right now. I can tell you that my next billion posts will probably be more of the same.
Yeah, I’m starting to annoy myself too.
Poor me, poor me, right?
My therapist friend would say that I write these posts as a way to vent. Another would say I do it for the attention.
They’re probably both right.
The fact is, I’m not alone. I need to keep reminding myself of that. I’m one submissive guy out of many that are feeling this exact same thing. Go to any BDSM dating site and you’ll find clones of guys just like me. It could be worse, I could be in a vanilla relationship with a wife that doesn’t suspect.
But would that really be worse?
I’ll let you in on a secret. I was married once. I married young and divorced young. She was very vanilla and the sex was infrequent at best but I did love her. I gave up my submission for her. I assumed that my kinky feelings were just unrealistic and besides, I loved her. It lasted just over a year. The divorce was her idea and it was probably one of the friendliest divorces you’ll ever hear about. I’m glad she left me now because it freed me up to try and reclaim who I really am.
But this really doesn’t feel like I’ve reclaimed anything. I’m just spinning my wheels.
So, expect more of the same for the near future.