In A Fog

I can barely remember everything she did. Probably because i’m still in a bit of a fog.

As I write this Sade and I are on our way back home, riding the subway early in the morning.


I remember how we had been taking to two of our good friends when she turned to me and said “Well, I think it’s time to string you up and beat you”.

I remember the ropes pulled above my head.

I remember the gag in my mouth prying my jaws apart,h the leather blindfold, how she would work over the skin of my my back until it felt like it was on fire then feeling a break in the beating she was giving me much to my relief only to have my skin met with her teeth clamping down on me.

Wait was that just an incredibly odd run on sentence?
Fuck it I’m still flying.

She bit down on me hard, I could feel her mouth vibrate when she moaned from the sensation. Just when my moans were about to turn into cries she let go and blew a gentle bit of air over the sensitive skin then clamped down on a different part of my back giving it the same treatment.

She flogged me for a while longer until she picked up another implement. I couldn’t tell what it was, since all of her toys were sitting behind me

“This is going to sting.”

And it did.
At some point she leaned in and whispered to me, asked me if I wanted more. I didn’t need to think it over very long.

At one point I felt her sucking and biting on my nipples while still feeling the sting of her flogger. What was happening? Did she invite someone else in our little play space? I panicked for a half a second until I felt a slap on my opposite side. It was her hand AND her mouth. Now that I’m no longer in the moment I’m amazed at her ability to multi-task.

I’d growl from the pain and she’d moan with approval. I’d bark and she’d purr.

My wrists strained against the rope, pulling me up to my toes when the pain got to the highest point.

As I write this now, I realize that there wasn’t a single part of me that wanted it to stop. Usually there’s this small 1% of me, the fight or flight part. Call it instiinct, self preservation or my monkey brain, but usually there’s that 1% that wants it to stop but not this time. Not even .000000001 % wanted it to stop.

It was wonderful.

Fuckless Fucking

Almost all of my experiences in BDSM have been non-sexual. That is to say, most of my experiences have been play that didn’t include penetrative sex.   

Up until a few years ago I never would have thought that any kind of play without intercourse would have been worthwhile. Back then I always felt it was something that was supposed to go hand in hand with sex. First the spanking, then the bondage, teasing and then the fucking. It was more of a kind of foreplay in my mind more than something that could be appreciated alone.

Then I moved to New York.

It was difficult to make the transition at first. The only people I’d play with would be those I also wanted to sleep with. That made me feel a little rejected at first. After all, I was playing with them because I was attracted to them, weren’t they attracted to me too? Wasn’t that the reason why they wanted to play with me?   

Over time I began to get used to the feeling of playing for the sake of playing. I could enjoy getting tied up or whipped and just enjoy it for what it was: Fun!

Sure I still have difficulty in reading some people at first. I’ll still sometimes have a barrage of questions running through my brain:

“Is she doing this because I’m fun to play with or because she’s attracted to me?”   

“Is she saying she want’s to do more than just tie me up?”

Most of the people I happen to have these mini-scenes with are those I’m already friends with. It’s much easier to let my mind go and enjoy the bondage, the flogging or whatever wonderful thing she’s putting me through. There’s something nice about just letting go and not needing to wonder about what comes next when I know that there is nothing next. I can just sink in and enjoy the experience.

It’s difficult do describe since there is a feeling of sexual tension and intimacy involved.  Especially when it’s with someone I know and like. There’s a closeness that comes from it. It’s unspoken but it’s there.

I like to think these experiences have helped me become a better submissive (Hmm Let me rephrase). I hope these experiences have helped me become a better submissive to someone I have a chance of having sex with. Most of the time I can just focus on the moment and not be caught up on wanting to rush to the sex.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m still thinking with my cock, but my cock is just more patient now.


Curious Things

I was asked to make a list of the things I’m most curious about. Thing I’ve had on my must-try-before-I-die list.

Chastity- Maymay wrote about his extended chastity here. Obviously my daydreams aren’t nearly as close as what the reality would probably be. I imagine being locked up and taken out whenever she (whoever she is) wants me. More of an anti-masturbation device than a no-orgasm device. Who knows, maybe she’ll want me locked up for longer durations, or maybe not locked up at all.

CBT- I have limited experience in this area but the hints of it that I’ve experienced have been eye opening. Probably because there are a million wonderfully evil things a woman can do in this area. As with all kinds of pain, it’s limited to those who really get off on giving pain. I hate the idea of feeling pain anywhere but I love the idea of taking the pain for someone who gets off on giving it. Everything from sounds, bondage, clamps, clothespins, you name it and I’m curious about it. The mental image of sounds is enough to make me whimper.

Anal play- I’ve experienced strap-on play a few times. A few times isn’t nearly enough. I’ve only experienced the wonders of the prostate once for maybe a minute. My head nearly exploded. There’s also something very intriguing about plugs and hooks. I have no idea what the appeal of anal play is for a dominant woman. Is it the idea of violating a man? I know what the appeal is on my end of things but the motivation for a woman escapes me. If I knew the motivation it might help me find someone to motivate into doing it.

Predicament Bondage- I was talking to someone the other night who mentioned how much she loved doing it to her boyfriend. I hadn’t thought much about it until I saw how much she loved it. Her face lit up with this genuine evil smile. It’s motivated me enough to read more about it and keep my eyes open for someone with an evil smile.

Electrical play- Nuff said. This is a big question mark for me. I’ve heard it can be either very painful or very pleasurable.

Hypnosis- I’ve heard it’s intense.

Owned- I know now that my previous goal (I wrote about it here) of having a weekend where I was totally owned and controlled by someone is totally unrealistic. Finding someone who wants to own me for a few hours might be more attainable.

The Party, Part 2: Tenderized

Continued from part one

I had just been tied up, scratched, beaten and drooled on. I was a very happy boy. I was standing around trying to keep a big silly grin from taking over my face.

Troy came up to me and said “Hey how’s it feel to finally play at a play party?”

I wanted to say “good” or “fine thank you” or something that sounded more cool but what came out was probably something that sounded like “awwwwwwweeeessssoooooooooommmmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee”.

That was when Troy mentioned that the party would be coming to an end soon and then added, “Lets whip you first”.

This was to be the second time Troy had whipped me at a play party. After the first time she mentioned how everyone stopped what they were doing just to watch. I can’t say that I blame them. People probably stop to watch Troy put butter on her toast.

She had me take my shirt off and face her A-frame mounted on the wall. My hands gripped the wood as she started to make rhythmic beats on my back.

This is where things get really foggy for me. When I’m experiencing this kind of pain, everything else goes away. The only thing that exists is me and the other person but there’s no time involved. There will be moments when it feels like it is lasting forever and others when it feels like it just started a nanosecond ago.

I only remember emotions. Sometimes I get angry. Not at the person doing the whipping, but at the pain. Sometimes I get angry that it’s not always there when I need it and sometimes it’s because it just fucking hurts. Maybe anger isn’t the right word. It’s just a release of emotion when I feel that kind of pain. I was a little embarrassed when I realized everyone was looking at us. (Ok maybe more Troy than I, but hey…I was the sidekick to this little show).

For me, bdsm is more about the person than the act (not that it’s not about the act as well..but…well you know what I’m getting at). Troy almost becomes the whip– she’s not using an implement as much as she’s making the whip an extension of herself. The whip isn’t whipping me, she is.

It was raw. It was hot, it was…yummy.

She’d build up the pain so I was on my tiptoes, moaning and conflicted. My natural instinct to move away from the whip was muted by the desire for more and to get closer. My back would arch when she’d repeatedly hit the same spot again and again. Even though I had half of my clothes on I still felt naked and raw.

I have no clue how long it lasted.

Afterwards, I gave Troy a big hug (dropping down to kiss her feet would have been a but much but it was my initial thought) and a few people came up to me and shook my hand.

Shook my hand?

One guy said “that was some show…good job”. I had no clue what to say to that other than “thanks, it’s…what I do”.

I think there’s some chemistry that comes across between Troy and I. I trust her and she knows how far she wants to push me and she knows that I’ll go that far.

Later I walked to the subway, the cool air coming up under my shirt. Rope marks still on my arms and possibly even on my face.

I sat on the subway feeling stronger, more confident, powerful even.

And very turned on.