Makes Me Sound Lame

As time goes by I’m finding myself thinking those dreadful words that turn so many dominant women off:

“I just want to please you”.

Why are they dreadful? Because it sounds as though I don’t have a backbone. As though I’ll just take whatever I can get. Like I don’t have any needs.

Granted, I’m not thinking that if I meet someone at a party and she wants to tie me up or whip my back, that’s different. But if there’s a connection, I just want to please.

While there are still many many things on my pervy list of curiosities but I’m finding myself not caring as much about that list as long as the dominant is getting off.

Maybe it’s because my recent experiences have had a closer mental and emotional connection or maybe it’s just what happens when you’re with someone for more than just a few play-dates.

I find myself looking forward to the connection just as much as I’m looking forward to getting beaten or fucked or bound. Even those times when there’s little BDSM stuff involved.

I’m finding that giving myself to someone for whatever is on their kinky list, to be just as (or more) powerful than getting whatever I’m hoping for. When I give myself over to whatever she has in mind, it never feels like anything is missing. In the past I’d always hope for something specific and it was great when it happened but kinda “eh” when it didn’t.

Leading up to it I have lots and lots of dirty thoughts and hopes of what will happen. When the moment arrives however I’m a big blank slate. I want to say “just do whatever you want, I don’t care what, just do it.”

I’m also finding myself willing or even wanting to do things I normally wouldn’t just to please the other person. I find myself wanting to go further..deeper.

Being open.

Just enjoying the moment.

“Right now, at this moment, I am yours. I just want to make you smile.”   

I think it, but I don’t say it.   

Because it makes me sound lame.

A Testament To Douchebaggery

I’ve been fighting with myself and others wether or not I should post this. It’s not something I’m proud of. Not my shining moment in the sun to say the least. I’ve decided to post it because I’ve learned something from it:

I answered their ad that mentioned they were looking for a submissive male to perform service for them. It would start out with cleaning and chores with a chance that it would lead to more sexual play.

We exchanged emails a few times, I answered their list of questions and they decided to meet me. I was excited to say the least. Finding not one but two women for service AND play? It seemed too good to be true.

It was too good to be true.

They wanted to meet at a sushi place on the Upper East Side, I arrived ten minutes early. They arrived thirty minutes late.

As soon as we sat down they started asking about me and my search for a dominant. The tall blonde suggested I shouldn’t have moved to New York from the midwest since it wouldn’t be any easier for me to meet anyone here. She said it as though she was bringing something to light that I didn’t know.

We briefly talked about what growing up on a farm was like. After I mentioned the fact that my father had to sell some his land, the blonde said “NO! Never sell land! That’s just not smart. You never sell land!”. She was pretty much calling my father an idiot. As though he had a choice in the matter. As though he had options.

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to tell him that when I talk to him next”, I said politely as I could while being sarcastic.

They asked about my friends in the lifestyle. The tall blonde assumed I had been to a professional. I told her I had never been but I did have friends who are.

“What are their names? I have a beef with a few Pro Dommes”

“I’d rather not say. I don’t feel comfortable name-dropping. and I don’t think they’d appreciate me using their names as a reference without asking them first.” She looked angry and I added “If it’s a deal breaker, I understand”. The last thing I wanted was to get a call from a friend saying “Why is this nutjob calling me?”

I was then asked what my budget was for dinner.

“Um. Nothing? I’m sorry, I didn’t know you wanted me to pay for dinner. I won’t be eating anything since I’m tight on cash. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding.”

I was then told that it was a given that I would pay. “It’s just good manners”, the tall blonde said.

Later the brunette would tell me that she had never been on a date with a man who didn’t pay. She looked at me with disapproval.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was a date. I thought this was more of an interview for possible service. If you want me to go to the ATM and get twenty bucks I will”.

“See? That’s just rude. Then you’re putting the responsibility on me to say yes or no. You should just offer to do it”.

At that point I was glad that I didn’t go and get some cash. I was torn. I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt as I hoped they were giving me. Maybe they were having a bad day or maybe they really hated me for some reason.

We talked about my experience with service. I mentioned my positives and negatives (folding fitted sheets). I mentioned how I wasn’t looking for play in return for service, that I’m not the type to make mistakes on purpose in hopes of being punished. If they wanted to play that would be great but I wanted them to know I enjoy service for the sake of pleasing. They seemed semi-interested but it was hard to read them. I mention that I was looking for someone who liked the idea of a man in service to them and not someone who didn’t care who did it as long as it got done.

We parted ways and I emailed them to thank them for their time and wished them luck on their search if they weren’t interested in me.

One of them replied saying: “I found you to be rude and cheap and your presence ruined my meal. It was a testament to charity and patience that I did not leave sooner.”

Oh? And what is it a testament to that you would send such an response to someone who just thanked you for your time?

I’m wondering why I didn’t just leave earlier. Why didn’t I excuse myself the second I realized they were not what I was looking for? Why did I give them the benefit of the doubt? It seemed clear fifteen minutes into it that they weren’t interested. Why do I consistently find myself in these situations and never learn to avoid them? The warning signs are there. I just need to open my eyes. Or not block my eyes with my cock.

It’s been a while since this happened. I’m not angry at them anymore nor am I hurt by the experience. I’m willing to accept blame for this one. I should have made it clear that I was in no position to pay for their meal before meeting them. We’re still living in a universe where some women will feel I need to pay them for the right to clean for them.

There are some dominant women who use their dominance as an excuse to treat men like they’re a dime a dozen (probably because we’re a dime a dozen).

The most rewarding service I’ve ever performed was to someone who required me to bring a receipt for anything I bought while in service. It was clear that my service was the important thing, not my money. I was providing what they saw was the most valuable thing possible: my sweat, dedication and sincerity.

The most rewarding sexual relationships I’ve had have been from those who wanted to be with me for my body or for my mind (sometimes both). Once again it was my sweat, dedication and sincerity that they valued most.

“I’m Still An Asshole” or “Am I Normal?”

You know how I complain about not getting emails on those kinky dating sites? Well I got one and it reminded me of why I’m an asshole:

From Her: So how kinky are you? Answer me NOW!

Me: I’m probably kinkier than most, for the right person.

Her: You WILL add me to your favorites list, NOW!

Me: I usually don’t respond well to this type of tone. I may be submissive but I’m not submissive to everyone who calls herself dominant. Wouldn’t you want to get to know me first before ordering me around? Wouldn’t you want to see if I’m the kind of person you want to order around or do you actually speak this way to everyone in the world submissive or not?

Her: Sorry, i really meant no disrespect. I was wrong. i was feeling angry and i took it out on you. please accept my sincere apology. i actually don’t speak to anyone in that tone. if you think we could start again, i would be interested in learning more about you. if you don’t, i truly understand.

We continued chatting and that’s pretty much it. I was nice but not really interested.

So, why am I an asshole? Because if I had been attracted to her she could have said pretty much anything and I would have played along.

Attractive her: Your mother’s a whore.
Me: HA! You’re not kidding. Are you busy later?

Attractive her: I’m voting for McCain.
Me: Ok I’ll fuck. But only because you people don’t believe in pulling out. (Of countries or vaginas).

Not much else going on though. Having beer with Badman led to an interesting adventure. Before you get your hopes up, there wasn’t any sex involved or anything but it was fun. I’m starting to wonder if most people play and don’t have sex. Maybe I’m normal. Do most people have some mild BDSM play but never any sex along with it? If that’s the way it is I’m gonna sue for false advertising.

It’s been so long since I’ve had sex if my cock actually came close to a naked woman it would start to wonder if it was on one of those hidden camera shows like Punked or Candid Camera.

I’ve moved beyond desperation though, I’ve settled into just accepting that it is what it is and being pissed off about it. There are people who fuck and people who jerk off. If I had a corporate sponsor for this summer it would have been some company that makes lube. The way things are shaping up I could have signed a two year sponsorship deal with KY.

I’m just going with the flow, not looking online anymore. I’m having just as much sex now as I did when I was spending eight hours a day looking for it in every way I could.

So, here it is Friday night and since I’m not going to a swingers party I was curious about ($150 for single men) I’m staying home and currently cleaning the apartment.

Sexy huh?

For the near future it still seems I have a better chance of meeting dipshit Ashton Kutcher or Alan Funt before I see anything that resembles a naked woman.

And Alan Funt is dead.

It’s The Economy, Stupid

If you look at almost any book geared to femdom relationships they will all have a similar phrase somewhere at the beginning of the book:

“You probably bought this book because your husband or boyfriend has expressed interest in submitting to you”.

I’ve never seen a book for submissive men that says:

“You’re probably reading this book because your wife or girlfriend has expressed interest in dominating you”

It might be out there though.

If that book is out there, I hope it makes it to the Oprah book club soon.

There must be a reason why there are many websites and books dedicated to introducing girlfriends and wives to the subject of dominance and few (if any) dedicated to introducing a boyfriend/husband to the idea.

One could argue that a dominant woman wouldn’t need to introduce her guy to it because she would have naturally picked a submissive male for a partner.

Others might say that there are simply more men interested in submitting than there are women interested in dominating.

Yet another friend claims that “women just aren’t as into fucking as much as guys”. She pointed to the number of women charging for sex compared to guys as an example.

Interestingly enough, a different friend suggested I look into becoming a professional submissive. Claiming that some women might hire someone of my talents and desires.

I still can’t imagine charging for something I can’t give away for free.

TESFest Recap

I just walked in the door from TESFest.

A few highlights:

-I learned I can’t go to a CBT class for a number of reasons. I have no desire to see another guys junk, I’m a bit uncomfortable seeing others in pain and part of me starts to feel a bit jealous.

-At nights I would walk though the dungeon area for a few minutes to see if there were any women who looked like they wanted to play but everyone I was attracted to was busy tying someone up, getting tied up or standing with her boyfriend so I went to the bar for a beer. Rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat, rinse and repeat.

Tilda seems to get cooler every time I see her. Any woman who owns leather converse is a rock star in my book. I tend to “borrow” her confidence whenever I’m around her.

-My best friend bought her first bit of hemp rope from Jocasta. She found two boys to practice on and was beaming after every time she played. Her favorite class was presented by Boymeat and is now planning on getting into electro play.

-One woman (whom I’m always feeling shy around for some reason) suggested I buy a cock ring. I never would have done it but when an attractive woman suggests it and even takes you to the vending area to buy it, one can hardly resist. I was a bit embarrassed when she was talking to the venders about it but was also trying to cover up my obvious arousal.

-I managed to walk by another one of my good friends as she was beating some guy up in the dungeon. It looked so intense I was surprised everyone else didn’t just stop and watch. Normally I’m busy trying to make her laugh, now I’m starting to think I need to get her angry.

Lolita may have sensed my desperation because she went out of her way to talk me up to one very attractive woman. For a second I thought she may have actually been interested until I realized she had her submissive with her already. Still, it was nice feeling while it lasted. Lolita is the only person I know who could have pulled off being my “wingman” while wearing Mickey Mouse ears. Note to self: Find out how Lolita got her superpowers.

Calico pinched my butt as I walked by one morning! I thanked her for it of course and was tempted to keep walking by her every time I saw her.

-Rita Seagrave is awesome-tastic. I’ve never been to a presentation like hers before. Can we get an All-Rita cable channel?

Viviane suggested I take a class on seduction. I’ve never had bad advice from her so I took it. The presenter offered some good advice even though I felt like most of the stuff would work better for me if I were dominant. I did notice a few things I’m doing wrong and perhaps things I need to cover up about my personality. I’ll write more about that later.

-I’ve had a number of emails asking if I used any condoms over the weekend. I have them for sale if anyone wants to buy some unused condoms. They’re out of the box so I’ll offer a discount. I’d return them to the drugstore but I doubt they’d give me a refund, maybe store credit.