Help! More Advice For A Reader

A few times per month I’ll get an email from someone asking for advice.

Most of the time the questions I get deal with one of a few different topics:

-How should I balance my stock portfolio? Answer: Sell! Sell! Sell! For god’s sake sell!
-How do you get your hair so full and manageable: Answer: Airplane glue
-How do I remove these unsightly streaks I get after I clean my mirrors? Answer: Use a newspaper instead of a paper towel. The New York Times works the best.
-Is it true you have the strength of ten men? Answer: Yes
-Are you easy? Answer: Like Sunday morning

Now and then I get a question that I’m not qualified to answer. Here’s where you come in if you please:

“I know you don’t know me but I have read some of your blogs and I was hoping you could help me out…
I am a sub myself and am married to a switch and would like to give him a taste of what he has given me in hopes of keeping our marriage fresh, but I have never done anything like this before and I don’t know where to start. I was hoping you could give me some advice on what I could do in a scene for him. I think your insight, as a male sub, would help me out a lot, and after reading your blog I have come to respect your opinion. I hope you don’t think I am some wacko, and if you feel this is out of your realm of comfort I would understand. I am just clueless to what he would expect in a surprise scene like this.”

So there’s the question. She’s a submissive married to a switch and wants to turn the tables now and then.

Where does she begin?

My first thought is for her to think of what turns her on by the idea and go from there.

There’s No Gentlemanly Way To Ask…

Asking for something I’m curious about is pretty much impossible for me. Asking for something I already enjoy is equally difficult.

It comes down to a few things.

-It’s hard to not sound like a do-me sub if I were to ask for something.   

-If a guy asks a woman then it’s creepy. If a woman asks a guy, then it’s hot.

-I genuinely don’t want a woman to do something just for my benefit, I’d much rather she do it because it’s what she wants.

-There’s no gentlemanly way to ask someone to fist you.

I’m using fisting as an example just because I recorded a podcast with someone who talked about it and then had another conversation with a friend yesterday and wondering how I’d experience that popped in my brain.

You can use any number of other things to replace fisting. CBT, sounds, mummification, strap-on play, teasing, or just a good old fashioned beating.

How do you ask someone to do something dirty to you like a gentleman? How do you do it without sounding like you’re just being greedy and not interested in only getting your desires met?

I mentioned this on Twitter and had a few interesting replies. I’ll take their names out since I didn’t get their permission to repost. (yeah..I’m a badass mofo)

“Terribly sorry, old bean, but could you be a chum and just give my prostate a little squeeze? There’s a love.”

“Pardon me, don’t mean to be a bother, but could I perhaps have a hand? In my ass, that is.”

“Do be a dear and shove your fist up my ass. It would be greatly appreciated if you could at your earliest convenience.”

“My darling, what lovely fingers you have there. If it pleases you, feel free to massage my prostate with them”

But it’s not just kinky sex. I remember having a conversation years ago with a vanilla woman I was sleeping with. She asked why I never asked her to go down on me.

Her: “Why don’t you ever ask me to suck your cock?”

Me: “Well, I figure you’d do it if you wanted to.”

Her:”But I think it’s hot to hear a guy ask me to suck his cock”

Me: “Will you please suck my cock?”

Her:”No, not now.”

There’s another side having desires.

While playing, I really don’t think about anything other than what’s happening. I get lost in the moment and forget what it was I wanted in the first place. Or maybe I get into some submissive headspace where what she desires becomes what I desire and what I was curious about doesn’t matter anymore. It’s like my sexual desires become whatever is happening, whatever she’s doing to me or having me do to her in the moment is exactly what I crave.

True, if I”m being teased or something, then I’ll really want to fuck or to go down on her, but I don’t crave any other kind of play.

Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m lucky that I’m never wishing for something else while someone is playing with me.

So is there a way to ask someone to play with you without sounding creepy? Or to ask for something specific without sounding like you’re a do-me sub?

Don’t Put Up With That Shit

A friend of mine has been having problems with a submissive guy she’s been playing with. Most of their sex has been leaning toward vanilla lately. Not because she’s not in the mood, it’s because he’s not in the mood.

He just hasn’t felt very submissive lately.

I’ve heard this complaint from a number of women. Fun stuff they used to do has been pushed aside and now the guy’s just interested in having his orgasm and going to bed.

She told me her initial reaction was to put him in chastity to make him more agreeable but he declined. Now she’s feeling less dominant and more antsy to get the kind of kink she wants.

I’m not blaming the guy (well maybe a little), who really knows what’s going on in his head. Maybe he has other things going on in his life that are putting a damper on his submissive side and he needs to focus on that or maybe he’s just a douche who told her he wanted the same kinky stuff she wanted just so he could get inside her pants.

My advice to her was to go find it somewhere else. If she sat down and had the conversation with him and their desires didn’t match, she should just yell “Next!” and meet up with one of the other hundred thousand guys who’d love to get beaten, tied up, fucked and who knows what.

There’s no reason for any woman to put up with not getting her sexual needs met. I don’t care of she’s dominant, submissive or vanilla. If you’re not getting fucked the way you want then maybe you need to add another guy or girl or two or three to the mix until you are getting everything you want.

If there’s something you’re into and your current guy isn’t doing it for you, just pop and ad on craiglist and within minutes you’ll hundreds of guys replying. Sure not all of them are what you’re looking for but you’ll at least see one or two in there.   

And don’t pay any attention to what guys actually say on their first email to you. They’re not actually thinking when they write these things. The emails that appear intelligent were probably written months ago and they’re just copying and pasting. Besides, don’t you want a guy who’s desperate to please you and give you what you want? After all, you met this other guy who’s not so desperate and look where that’s gotten you. You’re placing an ad on craigslist.

If you find them attractive (photos, not words) then reply and set the tone in your response. He’ll probably be so shocked that you actually replied that he’ll probably be willing to give you his social security number at that point. Hell even I’m willing to give you some of the numbers in mine right now: 078. See! And I haven’t even met you yet.

As long as the guy doesn’t come across as a total nutjob then meet him for a drink, you’ll be able to tell within minutes. If you’re not into him then go meet numbers 2 through 8438349 who emailed you.

Women who want hot crazy sex are too rare to waste their time on a guy who won’t give it to them.

Boyfriend Comes Out, Girlfriend Needs Your Help

I’ve always had great emails from readers. I normally try to tackle these myself but this one might be a bit out of my experience level. I asked if it was cool for me to publish her email (removing all identifying information of course) in hopes that some of you may have a few ideas for her.

Feel free to leave any advice you have for her in the comments. If you’d rather keep your advice private you can email me and I’ll forward it on to her. I’ll include the little bit of advice I gave her after email:

Hey you,

I came aware of your blog about a week ago. I was conducting a web search via google to find out what submissive men really want. I can’t remember the exact search title, and I am sorry about that because it could have given me a point of reference. One of your friends who you had talked to about being a submissive had written a blog, herself, about why that’s not entirely attractive to her.

My boyfriend of four years has recently expressed to me that he wants to be submissive when he is with me. I have taken it to the next level and asked him if it turns him on to do housework in his underwear with his sexual parts out for me to look at as he does these things. He says that this excites him, and knowing that, after three years of having semi-regular sex, it was like some kind of huge revelation for me.

Every weird little thing from before became clear, and the whole relationship made sense to me once he felt the courage to express his submissive side to me.

I’m writing to you in order to ask not questions about what it means for you to be submissive to a female, but questions about what you would like. This man I am dating is not very verbose or articulate. He’s sweet, but he’s horrendously shy. I knew him for ten years before we started dating, and even then, he was so incredibly quiet. I want to know what kinds of games and things might be interesting to engage him in.

Submissive Or Slave?

I had an interesting yet frustrating conversation with someone who questioned why I call myself submissive and not a slave.

For those of you that don’t know, there always seems to be a big argument in the BDSM community over who should call themselves submissive and who should call themselves a slave. Frankly I stopped giving a shit what people call themselves long ago.

The conversation went something like this:

Dominant guy: God… you should use the slave title. You are obviously looking for a service oriented position to where the Dominant in return gives you structure and stability. The only worry that you SHOULD have is serving your Master.

Me: Most Dommes seem to want a submissive in the bedroom but a vanilla guy outside of it.

Dominant guy: Stay away from the submissive title. It scares Masters like me away. Haha

Thankfully I’m not interested in a dominant guy so it really doesn’t matter if it scares away masters (lowercase on purpose) like him. It’s funny how that works though, dominant guys seem to be more interested in D/s than dominant women. I’ve been to a number of D/s oriented events, the last one I went to had maybe 50 gay couples, 50 Dominant male/submissive female couples, a few lesbian couples and two dominant women/male submissive couples.

Many dominant women have expressed to me their desires for a “submissive sometimes in the bedroom but my equal outside of it”. That’s the reason I shy away from calling myself a slave. It scares women off. Not only that, since I’ve pretty much given up on finding anything other than casual play, more and more women seem comfortable with someone who just submits to them in the bedroom. I’m all for that. Sure there’s a part of me that craves D/s, but the part of me that is dying to try out new things in the realm of BDSM overrides the part of me that needs D/s.

I’d rather be a submissive with a chance of getting fucked and toyed with than a slave who’s got no chance in hell.

I’m even cautious about mentioning my interests in D/s when someone asks me what I’m into since that’s enough to scare some off. I should maybe only qualify it by saying “look, someday, if I met someone who wanted to own me outside the bedroom, then great. But right now I’m only looking for casual play”.

Here’s another example from someone after she discovered D/s was something I enjoy:

“Yikes, are you someone that lives the lifestyle 24/7? Im not really down with that. I love sex with down right perversion, but Im not looking to own anyone…thats too heavy for me.”

It took me a while to convince her that I was perfectly happy just having sex with perversion but my interests in D/s may have cost me a one night stand with someone who enjoys things I’m dying to try.

So maybe I am a slave if that’s someone who enjoys D/s outside the bedroom. If that scares you away then I’m submissive. If that scares you away then I’m just kinky. If that scares you away then I’m just jerking off at home.