Help! More Advice For A Reader

A few times per month I’ll get an email from someone asking for advice.

Most of the time the questions I get deal with one of a few different topics:

-How should I balance my stock portfolio? Answer: Sell! Sell! Sell! For god’s sake sell!
-How do you get your hair so full and manageable: Answer: Airplane glue
-How do I remove these unsightly streaks I get after I clean my mirrors? Answer: Use a newspaper instead of a paper towel. The New York Times works the best.
-Is it true you have the strength of ten men? Answer: Yes
-Are you easy? Answer: Like Sunday morning

Now and then I get a question that I’m not qualified to answer. Here’s where you come in if you please:

“I know you don’t know me but I have read some of your blogs and I was hoping you could help me out…
I am a sub myself and am married to a switch and would like to give him a taste of what he has given me in hopes of keeping our marriage fresh, but I have never done anything like this before and I don’t know where to start. I was hoping you could give me some advice on what I could do in a scene for him. I think your insight, as a male sub, would help me out a lot, and after reading your blog I have come to respect your opinion. I hope you don’t think I am some wacko, and if you feel this is out of your realm of comfort I would understand. I am just clueless to what he would expect in a surprise scene like this.”

So there’s the question. She’s a submissive married to a switch and wants to turn the tables now and then.

Where does she begin?

My first thought is for her to think of what turns her on by the idea and go from there.


Start with having all of your favorite toys at your disposal. Whether or not you use them doesn’t matter. Don’t clutter your area, or leave more than a choice few out unless you want to set a mood such as “anything goes”.

Where to start? I suggest a bottle of honey and some grapes. Spill some honey on yourself and instruct him in how you want it licked off. Body worship is a great way to set the mood before you actually decide what you want to do next. If he responds well to scratching and pinching he may be in the mood for some corporal. Maybe he responds well to dirty talk and that builds into a role play. Testing gentle names of things he reminds you of while he’s worshiping you can also help you pick a role play on the fly.

(EG: “fly” made me think of fly fishing, fishing, he’s my little/big juicy fish and I’m going to catch him, take his breath away, scratch his skin off, and ultimately deliver unto him his petite mort- then I would probably “hook” him somehow- rope, leash and collar, etc., scratch him, choke him, and have a mind blowing orgasm. He doesn’t have to act *exactly* like a fish in order for role play to ad reason/excuse/motivation in a scene.)

You really can go off anything. Just have your favorite things around so you’re not rummaging for too long trying to find a toy.

What has kept my relationship fresh after over 15 years is communication. We’re always asking each other about things that we like, things that we don’t like, things we’d like to try, etc. We talk about our fantasies all the time and it’s a fabulous source of inspiration for both of us. We share porn with each other (I’m clearly the more adventurous and varied in that department, since his porn consists of the women-only variety). We are constantly seeking new ways to turn each other on.

What one person likes as a submissive is different from another person’s preferences, so I think it’s important to ask him what he would like to do in the submissive role and select your favorite from those options. For the two of us, we grew into our roles with me as the dominant and my lover as the submissive. We’re constantly exploring each other’s boundaries in those roles and that’s what keeps things hot and awesome. We’re doing it *together*.

Sounds like she plans to offer another form of submission by doing what he wants done to him. Not that there’s anything wrong with that. I can’t imagine it flying as a “surprise scene,” however, since he’s likely to read her sudden domliness as simply brattiness and react accordingly.

The switch might go better if they talk about it first: find out what he wants to do/have done to him when he’s in the sub state. Then serve him by doing it. 😉

Since talking reading this advice and talking to axe I have decided to talk to him about it the surprize was mostly kill when he found out what i had been doing at night night (explained later in the email i sent to axe)
To Axe:
We have tried some things and have talked more openly about what he would expect form me. I have taken a page form Mystress’s book and implemented that he is to text me every time he has a fantasy or daydream. It has taught me more about him, as well as turned me on. It also helped that he found the email to you and mistaking the context he thought i was looking to someone for my needs…lol, but after showing him what was going on and explaining why I went this route he has made an effort to share more with me. It has lead to very enlightening conversations. Thank you! getting one such as him to share his fantasies has been like pulling teeth, but we are now looking forward to a more open future of sharing the dominate role. And I will try some of you suggestions as they are very appealing.

Thanx Again,

And thanx to you all for you responce!

I’m a switch myself, but generally I like to top the way I like to be topped. I realize this might only be helpful to switches at first thought, but it will be a good way to go once she gets the hang of it.

At first though, I am going to echo the other commenters and recommend having them talk about it first. Perhaps she can at first give him a specific scene that he wants. This will definitely be service topping, but she might figure out some aspects that she likes from this that she can use the next time he bottoms.

Most of all, though, patience. A switch of headspace like this caan be difficult.