Reader Email: Advice Not Needed

Another email from a reader. I gave her advice that wasn’t necessary after all:

“I came across your blog while reading about BDSM and thought you might be a good person to talk to. I am a dominant woman that seems to be making a lot of mistakes in seduction of submissive men. Well, that is, I’m having trouble identifying them. The other day I kind of ruined a friendship by taking a compliment as permission to, well, do things that he didn’t appreciate as much as I thought he would. I have trouble controlling my dominant feelings, I suppose.

I don’t really know what I want you to say or how I was expecting you to respond, but I feel very alone about this much of the time. My (more than) best friend is a submissive man and we relate to each other very well, but he’s not the extreme kind of submissive that I think about in the early hours of the morning. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my fun with him and I care about him very much, but I want to try something more and I don’t even know how to tell him. I guess, even being as dominant as I am (and I find myself getting more dominant everyday), I’m embarrassed by how dominant I long to become.

Thank you for writing a blog about your experiences and lifestyle. It’s incredibly validating to see men like you around, even if you’re 3,000 miles away in New York. I should really move to New York. Maybe for Law School…. Okay, so I’m flirting with you a little bit. That wasn’t my original intention. Promise. =)

Thanks for listening”

I gave her what I thought was some sound advice. I suggested that she make her desires known, that she may want to start off slow and slowly introduce him to the more extreme things she wanted from him. I went on and on and moments later she replied.

“Ironically, the evening I sent this message, he and I had a long talk about all that I told you about. It turns out, he was afraid of scaring me off with how much he wants to submit to me. He sent me a link to a chastity belt (okay, so I was too chicken to have the conversation in person and made him get on AIM) and I almost bursted with relief, satisfaction, and about a million other feelings. I’ve been wanting to lock him up for months.

To put it simply, I want complete control over his body. I want to instruct him on how to please me and beat the hell out of him when he makes mistakes. He once told me that he wasn’t into pain. At the time, I didn’t think I was into inflicting pain. He proved me wrong. I do want to inflict pain. I want him to take the pain for me… He told me that he’s been dying to get a whip in my hand for ages. That I’m the only one he ever wants to physically harm him (which is, of course, very flattering and sexy). We’ve also talked about pegging and are going to go shopping for a strap-on very soon. I want to try everything with him: spanking, torture, mummification… I even told him about “service-oriented submission” which I read about from you and he’s all for it.

The sexiest part of the conversation from my perspective: He said: “I don’t want you to want to do things to me anymore. I want you to do what you want to do to me. You know me very well and we’re best friends. I’d submit to you. If you ever went to put a chastity belt on me, and didnt talk to me about it first, id let you put it on and lock it because you wanted it there… if you slapped me i’d be on my knees.”

Mmm, very sexy. I would probably have denied myself and him if I hadn’t started reading blogs like yours. So thank you!”


After reading this I did my happy dance and felt that all was right in the world. I can certainly understand where her sub is coming from. It’s a scary thing to want to give yourself to someone, even if it’s for only a short time. It’s even scarier if you care about that person and are afraid of them rejecting you.

I wonder how many seemingly vanilla relationships are out there that are comprised of one person who wants to be owned and another who wants to control, yet neither of them talk about it?
I’m betting it’s quite a few.

My Biggest Fear


Not really failure, but the fear of failure.

Fear of failure is what’s kept me from doing many things in life.

Multiple failures in small tests kept me from taking the big tests, kept me from going on stage or from taking big risks. I’m brave in many ways but in other ways I’m a big coward.

Up until a few years ago, the only thing I wasn’t afraid of was love. I’ve risked everything a number of times for love.

I went all in a few times. Every time I did I’d lose in the end but always had something left over, except for that last time. That last bet left me with nothing. I’m still paying for it in many ways.

Failure still freezes me in my tracks. Asking someone out still does it. Every now and then I’ll be brave enough to approach a woman but the fear is still there. Even sending an email scares the crap out of me. The fear makes the the part of me a woman would actually be attracted to hide under a rock. Her answer usually justifies my fear.

A friend once expressed interest in playing with me. I told her I was eager to and to let me know when. I haven’t heard anything on the subject since and don’t want to be pushy, so I wait. If I did push it may ruin the opportunity. I try to hint now and then but that’s the extent of it.

It’s why I don’t make the first move. Rejection and failure bring back so many bad memories that I try to forget. Thankfully there are women out there that do make the first move.

Recently I was presented with a service opportunity. I’ve been looking forward to it for along time but a task has been added that I’m probably going to fail despite weeks of preparation. Part of me wants to cancel. To save myself from disappointing someone would canceling be more of a disappointment? If I did fail and my failure resulted in my tears, would that experience be worse than no experience at all?

When I was younger I was bucked off by one of the horses on our farm. I was knocked unconscious and kicked. I never did get back on the horse. I lived on a farm with horses and I never rode one again. It’s not that I’m afraid of horses, I just never trusted one again.

In that respect, horses are like women. It just took getting bucked off more than once to lose my trust in women.

Would I like a relationship one day? I like the idea of it. Maybe someday. It’s a gamble and I just don’t have anything to bet with right now.

I need to learn to ignore my fear or conquer it. Living with it isn’t doing the trick.

Maybe I’m not a masochist after all.

Submissive Or Slave?

I had an interesting yet frustrating conversation with someone who questioned why I call myself submissive and not a slave.

For those of you that don’t know, there always seems to be a big argument in the BDSM community over who should call themselves submissive and who should call themselves a slave. Frankly I stopped giving a shit what people call themselves long ago.

The conversation went something like this:

Dominant guy: God… you should use the slave title. You are obviously looking for a service oriented position to where the Dominant in return gives you structure and stability. The only worry that you SHOULD have is serving your Master.

Me: Most Dommes seem to want a submissive in the bedroom but a vanilla guy outside of it.

Dominant guy: Stay away from the submissive title. It scares Masters like me away. Haha

Thankfully I’m not interested in a dominant guy so it really doesn’t matter if it scares away masters (lowercase on purpose) like him. It’s funny how that works though, dominant guys seem to be more interested in D/s than dominant women. I’ve been to a number of D/s oriented events, the last one I went to had maybe 50 gay couples, 50 Dominant male/submissive female couples, a few lesbian couples and two dominant women/male submissive couples.

Many dominant women have expressed to me their desires for a “submissive sometimes in the bedroom but my equal outside of it”. That’s the reason I shy away from calling myself a slave. It scares women off. Not only that, since I’ve pretty much given up on finding anything other than casual play, more and more women seem comfortable with someone who just submits to them in the bedroom. I’m all for that. Sure there’s a part of me that craves D/s, but the part of me that is dying to try out new things in the realm of BDSM overrides the part of me that needs D/s.

I’d rather be a submissive with a chance of getting fucked and toyed with than a slave who’s got no chance in hell.

I’m even cautious about mentioning my interests in D/s when someone asks me what I’m into since that’s enough to scare some off. I should maybe only qualify it by saying “look, someday, if I met someone who wanted to own me outside the bedroom, then great. But right now I’m only looking for casual play”.

Here’s another example from someone after she discovered D/s was something I enjoy:

“Yikes, are you someone that lives the lifestyle 24/7? Im not really down with that. I love sex with down right perversion, but Im not looking to own anyone…thats too heavy for me.”

It took me a while to convince her that I was perfectly happy just having sex with perversion but my interests in D/s may have cost me a one night stand with someone who enjoys things I’m dying to try.

So maybe I am a slave if that’s someone who enjoys D/s outside the bedroom. If that scares you away then I’m submissive. If that scares you away then I’m just kinky. If that scares you away then I’m just jerking off at home.

You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello

I was given a paradox recently.

How do you please a woman who is most pleased by you not trying to please her?

How does one play hard to get in order to attract a woman who would rather have a guy she needs to push into submission as opposed to a guy who’s dying to get on his knees from the start?

I find that there’s no middle of the road for me. When I’m confident, many just assume I’m dominant and when I’m eager to please I’m too submissive.

Surely there must be a middle spot somewhere. (and don’t call me Shirley).

I’ve been meeting some cool new people lately. People in and out of the lifestyle. Ok…Women in and out of the lifestyle. I seem to always wonder if it’s a date or if I’m just hanging out as a friend. I always go into it assuming friends and not displaying any kind of interest. It’s so much better that way. No hard feelings, not needing to worry about getting shot down or being too eager. After all, if she’s interested, hopefully she’ll indicate in some way right?

I’ve never been good at reading signals from women. I have no clue when they’re attracted to me unless they pretty much hold up a sign.

It is very easy to misread playful flirting for real sexual interest however. Especially in the kink scene.

A woman can grab a guys package in leu of a handshake or a hug to say hello and it probably only means “hello” (It’s happened on a number of occasions). Because of this I’ve learned to tune out just about every form of flirting. I think the only way I’ll get the hint from here on is if a woman grabs me and says “I really want to fuck you. I’m dead serious. No… really. I’m not kidding here. See? This is me giving you my number. Here is the address of where my bed is. This is not a dream, this is actually happening.”.

I’ve found myself giving advice to a number of women lately. Specifically about dating submissive men. I always try to give the best advice I can, though I’m not exactly an expert on the subject. My most trying conversation was when a poly friend was complaining about not being able to find a third partner.

I’ll type that part again:

She was complaining about not being able to find a third partner.

Isn’t that like complaining to a homeless guy about not being able to find a good vacation home?


An email I just got from someone on collarme. I actually had my hopes up with her for a while there:

“This is probably going to add to your jadedness but I am actually doing you a kindness by letting you go before your expectations set in. Metaphorically speaking, the fact is that I am looking for an orange while you are an apple – nothing wrong with being one but it is just not what I am searching for (please believe me when I say that there was absolutely no solecism on your part and I hope you won’t waste time and effort in secondguessing yourself to figure out if there was something that you could have done differently – I think on some level you probably agree with me). So let us part amicably and goodluck with your own search.

It’s far too late to tell me not to waste my time and effort.

They always want the orange.