Reader Email: Advice Not Needed

Another email from a reader. I gave her advice that wasn’t necessary after all:

“I came across your blog while reading about BDSM and thought you might be a good person to talk to. I am a dominant woman that seems to be making a lot of mistakes in seduction of submissive men. Well, that is, I’m having trouble identifying them. The other day I kind of ruined a friendship by taking a compliment as permission to, well, do things that he didn’t appreciate as much as I thought he would. I have trouble controlling my dominant feelings, I suppose.

I don’t really know what I want you to say or how I was expecting you to respond, but I feel very alone about this much of the time. My (more than) best friend is a submissive man and we relate to each other very well, but he’s not the extreme kind of submissive that I think about in the early hours of the morning. Don’t get me wrong, I do have my fun with him and I care about him very much, but I want to try something more and I don’t even know how to tell him. I guess, even being as dominant as I am (and I find myself getting more dominant everyday), I’m embarrassed by how dominant I long to become.

Thank you for writing a blog about your experiences and lifestyle. It’s incredibly validating to see men like you around, even if you’re 3,000 miles away in New York. I should really move to New York. Maybe for Law School…. Okay, so I’m flirting with you a little bit. That wasn’t my original intention. Promise. =)

Thanks for listening”

I gave her what I thought was some sound advice. I suggested that she make her desires known, that she may want to start off slow and slowly introduce him to the more extreme things she wanted from him. I went on and on and moments later she replied.

“Ironically, the evening I sent this message, he and I had a long talk about all that I told you about. It turns out, he was afraid of scaring me off with how much he wants to submit to me. He sent me a link to a chastity belt (okay, so I was too chicken to have the conversation in person and made him get on AIM) and I almost bursted with relief, satisfaction, and about a million other feelings. I’ve been wanting to lock him up for months.

To put it simply, I want complete control over his body. I want to instruct him on how to please me and beat the hell out of him when he makes mistakes. He once told me that he wasn’t into pain. At the time, I didn’t think I was into inflicting pain. He proved me wrong. I do want to inflict pain. I want him to take the pain for me… He told me that he’s been dying to get a whip in my hand for ages. That I’m the only one he ever wants to physically harm him (which is, of course, very flattering and sexy). We’ve also talked about pegging and are going to go shopping for a strap-on very soon. I want to try everything with him: spanking, torture, mummification… I even told him about “service-oriented submission” which I read about from you and he’s all for it.

The sexiest part of the conversation from my perspective: He said: “I don’t want you to want to do things to me anymore. I want you to do what you want to do to me. You know me very well and we’re best friends. I’d submit to you. If you ever went to put a chastity belt on me, and didnt talk to me about it first, id let you put it on and lock it because you wanted it there… if you slapped me i’d be on my knees.”

Mmm, very sexy. I would probably have denied myself and him if I hadn’t started reading blogs like yours. So thank you!”


After reading this I did my happy dance and felt that all was right in the world. I can certainly understand where her sub is coming from. It’s a scary thing to want to give yourself to someone, even if it’s for only a short time. It’s even scarier if you care about that person and are afraid of them rejecting you.

I wonder how many seemingly vanilla relationships are out there that are comprised of one person who wants to be owned and another who wants to control, yet neither of them talk about it?
I’m betting it’s quite a few.

Boyfriend Comes Out, Girlfriend Needs Your Help

I’ve always had great emails from readers. I normally try to tackle these myself but this one might be a bit out of my experience level. I asked if it was cool for me to publish her email (removing all identifying information of course) in hopes that some of you may have a few ideas for her.

Feel free to leave any advice you have for her in the comments. If you’d rather keep your advice private you can email me and I’ll forward it on to her. I’ll include the little bit of advice I gave her after email:

Hey you,

I came aware of your blog about a week ago. I was conducting a web search via google to find out what submissive men really want. I can’t remember the exact search title, and I am sorry about that because it could have given me a point of reference. One of your friends who you had talked to about being a submissive had written a blog, herself, about why that’s not entirely attractive to her.

My boyfriend of four years has recently expressed to me that he wants to be submissive when he is with me. I have taken it to the next level and asked him if it turns him on to do housework in his underwear with his sexual parts out for me to look at as he does these things. He says that this excites him, and knowing that, after three years of having semi-regular sex, it was like some kind of huge revelation for me.

Every weird little thing from before became clear, and the whole relationship made sense to me once he felt the courage to express his submissive side to me.

I’m writing to you in order to ask not questions about what it means for you to be submissive to a female, but questions about what you would like. This man I am dating is not very verbose or articulate. He’s sweet, but he’s horrendously shy. I knew him for ten years before we started dating, and even then, he was so incredibly quiet. I want to know what kinds of games and things might be interesting to engage him in.