Boyfriend Comes Out, Girlfriend Needs Your Help

I’ve always had great emails from readers. I normally try to tackle these myself but this one might be a bit out of my experience level. I asked if it was cool for me to publish her email (removing all identifying information of course) in hopes that some of you may have a few ideas for her.

Feel free to leave any advice you have for her in the comments. If you’d rather keep your advice private you can email me and I’ll forward it on to her. I’ll include the little bit of advice I gave her after email:

Hey you,

I came aware of your blog about a week ago. I was conducting a web search via google to find out what submissive men really want. I can’t remember the exact search title, and I am sorry about that because it could have given me a point of reference. One of your friends who you had talked to about being a submissive had written a blog, herself, about why that’s not entirely attractive to her.

My boyfriend of four years has recently expressed to me that he wants to be submissive when he is with me. I have taken it to the next level and asked him if it turns him on to do housework in his underwear with his sexual parts out for me to look at as he does these things. He says that this excites him, and knowing that, after three years of having semi-regular sex, it was like some kind of huge revelation for me.

Every weird little thing from before became clear, and the whole relationship made sense to me once he felt the courage to express his submissive side to me.

I’m writing to you in order to ask not questions about what it means for you to be submissive to a female, but questions about what you would like. This man I am dating is not very verbose or articulate. He’s sweet, but he’s horrendously shy. I knew him for ten years before we started dating, and even then, he was so incredibly quiet. I want to know what kinds of games and things might be interesting to engage him in.

I have told him that I would love to watch him clean my house and scrub my sink and vaccuum my floor – and even go through my things that I need to get rid of, folding the stuff I want to keep and organizing it for me, and placing into a bag the things that I do not want. I want to have him do all of this wearing underpants, but with his, for lack of an easier word, cock and balls pulled out so that I can look at them. For me, it’s not only exciting that he wants to help me with housework and tasks I’d rather not do myself… it’s even more exciting that he naturally sexualizes it. I want to know what other kinds of games and ideas I can engage with him when he’s done doing the tidying up. I wish that I could express to you something beyond gratitude that you might respond to this message.

See, I’ve been dating him for four years now, and it is only this last year where he has told me that he likes this stuff. I’ve been reading up on what it is to be a dominant, and looking back on the entire relationship, I’ve always told him what I wanted him to do. I never knew that he really craved or needed direction, I never knew that he was a sub until he said it. I think he was afraid to tell me for the longest time, and once he finally did, as I mentioned before, a whole world has opened up in my mind and heart and soul.

I don’t want to disappoint him, or myself, by not being able to step into the role or Own the role of a Dominant Woman. I want to know what you think would be sufficient discipline for you – I want to know if you have any ideas of “fun” punishments. I’ve been reading your blogs and going back and back, looking at all of the hot images you’ve copied and pasted of fashion reflecting the beauty and the wonder of Dominance and Submission… and I don’t feel particularly lost, but could use a little help. Also it seems evident that you deserve to be appreciated for what you want to give. I wish you the very best in that.

The idea that this man who I have loved since I met him has had in him this impulse and desire to serve, and that it took him four years to tell me about it, makes me sad. I think submissive men are very sexy, completely inspiring, and too incredibly rare. I think you and that people like you would be a lot more prevalent if this society would open up just a little to you. If he could have trusted me sooner, we may have gotten further before.

Any way that you can help would be greatly appreciated – by advice, especially.

My reply:
Thank you so much for the kind words.

It’s difficult to say or to give you ideas since what turns your boyfriend on may not be the same things that turn me on. The important thing (if your boyfriend is anything like me) is to remember that what turns YOU on is what’s most important. I imagine he’s quiet about this because he doesn’t want to impose his desires on you, he wants you to impose your desires upon him.
Your boyfriend is very brave for telling you this. I know it’s hard but you’ll need to be brave in telling him what you want as well. Figure out what really turns you on or makes you melt in this context.

Sometimes the little things are the best. It depends on where your interests and his interests lay. From what I gather, it sounds like you may be more into D/s aspects than the hardcore kinky stuff (nothing wrong with either).

A few ideas:

-If you’re watching tv wiht him, make him sit on the floor, perhaps between your knees and put your hand on his head while doing so, almost petting him. I experienced this once and it made me melt.

-Have him do things to serve you when you’re not around. Have him write you a daily or weekly journal about his thoughts.

-There are plenty of kink checklists out there, many have hundreds of questions listed. Have him fill one out and compare his desires with yours. He probably won’t feel so shy about expressing his needs that way.

There’s lots more of course but I think it’s important for you not to feel like you need to put on a different persona. I can only guess but it make sense that he want’s to submit to you and not some caricature.

So dear readers, do you have any advice for her? Any ideas or thoughts on how to help them out?


My advice would be, first, to keep in mind that you’re both still you. There’s no major shift in personality that occurs. And there’s no “right” way to explore. It’s just that, exploration.

The idea of a checklist is a great one, but I’d recommend that you both fill it out. See where your interests overlap, what turns you both on, what you’re both comfortable with. Then explore.

And always remember that there are going to be times you’ll try something that SOUNDED really hot, but one or both of you might hate it in reality. That’s ok, too. There’s no law that says you have to like all kinky stuff if you like some of it.

And even if he’s shy, talk about it. The after-care-y moments are really good for de-constructing what you both experienced during your explorations. It’ll not only help you as the natural leader, but it will give you insight into what he wants and how to use him. And it can be unbearably hot for both of you to hear about what you liked.

Good luck!

I’m a submissive female, not male, but I’m guessing that we have a lot in common. I def agree about the kink checklist, and it might help to come up with some rules that he has to follow. For example, one of my rules in the past refer to my dom as Daddy, not by his real name unless we were in public and another rule i had was to write down and email him anytime I had a fantasy, saw someone attractive (even on tv), or thought about him. I really liked having rules.

Wow. That’s an amazing letter. And response.

I think, personally, I’d want to know whether the D/s side of things is being explored from all aspects (i.e. total power exchange) or if it’s primarily being explored in the arena of housework and whatnot. I have recently come into a bit of a power exchange that I’m not really at liberty to discuss, but it’s sent home the multitude of ways in which a power exchange can take place.

Two things in particular – one suggestion I have is for both parties to fill out the kink checklist at Soul’s Haven (ugh, someone google it, I’m tired) because I feel it offers more opportunities for comparison and ideas.

My second suggestion involves bathing. One of the most erotic things I’ve ever experienced has been bathing with Hub2. He washes me and dries me, even as he cleanses himself. This isn’t necessarily done as a submissive, but it’s very sensual and something I enjoy thoroughly. This can even include genital shaving if the trust level is there. He does a better job than I do anyhow, plus he can keep everything just how he likes it…

I think the best advice I could give has already been given here.
I will say that this is an incredibly articulate and well thought out email. He is lucky to have such a wonderful girlfriend and budding Dominant.
One thing that helped me when I subbed to articulate my desires more was being told to write down my fantasies and email them to him. He found them both hot and informative to read, and I’ve used it effectively with some of my subs.
Good luck!

In my experience: if he’s truly service-oriented, if she MAKES it sexual, he’ll FIND it sexual, no matter what it is. If she makes it obvious to him in whatever way works for her that it gets her very very hott! to ask/tell him to do something, whatever it is, he’ll find it an incredible turn-on b/c she’s turned on. I can tell my boy to do the strangest things, but if he knows I’m getting off on it, that’s all it takes for him.

For some, the more “demeaning” and “demeaningly” done, the better. My boy likes washing the dishes if I tell him to, but he really gets off on washing the toilets naked, on his hands and knees. Not that we do that often–we separate the “chore” from the “kink” in order to keep the kink hot and without resentment.

Ditto the sitting at her feet. We both love that. He loves falling asleep at my feet, curled up under my desk, waiting for me to be done with work for the evening.

Having some sort of vanilla trigger–a pet word or look or hand gesture–makes even getting coffee for her in company a D/s act. My boy knows when I say, “Love, could you get me….” that I’m asking in my domme persona. And we can do that in front of parents with them none the wiser.

Ritual sometimes works to. Every time we’re alone in our room, my boy will kneel down in a specific way (knees open, arms behind his back) and kiss my insteps. Simple, sweet, loving, and a fabulous reminder of our relative positions.

Good luck to her. She’s a wonderful woman.

I am going to throw my five and half cents out here since I seem to specialize in “shy” submissive males.
All the above suggestions are wonderful, so I am not going to repeat.
My experience is to use the shyness in conjunction with his submissiveness, to allow him to explore what he may not openly explore if given a choice to make himself.
Maybe the idea of putting him “girl panties” would be arousing for both you and him while he cleans, although I do agree with Axe that the focus should be on what excites You because he will respond to you. He may even find himself excited over something he thought he wouldn’t be just because you are excited about it.
Think of putting a twist on the mundane. I once had my husband clean a rug, shirtless, out on the front lawn while I watched, making comments about the neighbors watching. It excited me and him to have him submissive “incognito” publically. I should mention we have a carpet cleaner. 😉
Serving a Domme, personally, as in bathing, shaving her legs, washing her hair, massaging her, giving her foot rub…those tend to be very gratifying for the Domme and the submissive.
In my opinion, the trick with shy bois is to do and then ask for their reaction afterward, to let them experience, what turns out good, rinse and repeat, what doesn’t go well will be just as useful as long as you communicate either through talking or writing, as suggested by others. (Oops, I did repeat…lol)
Most of all, SHOW YOUR REACTION to whatever he does for you. If you truly enjoy something don’t be stingy in expressing that enjoyment. A true submissive quite literally takes your mood/reaction/enjoyment/rejection etc and makes it his own.
Have fun!!!

I am of two minds about the checklists. Many submissives who think something is cool on paper will hate it in real life, and if it’s on the checklist it will bind them. Also, checklists can be experienced as very controlling by the submissive – as if he’s filling in a wishlist. On the other hand it’s a good way to bring a few things up.

Most important here is that you need to be the driving force. Some submissives are quite vivacious, and will eagerly bring all kind of things to your attention. Others have to be dragged down the road where they really want to go.

But: he has opened up to you, and now the work starts for you. It’s not easy, it’s definitely not all “lean back and be served” – you have a lot to learn and a lot to try out in order to become a skilled, confident Dominant. Most of all, it will soon challenge your ideas about yourself. The first time I discovered I liked hurting My pet, I cried and cried after each session, the reaction to the monster I was becoming was so violent and harsh, despite the fact that I orgasmed like nothing before, and I lusted after the feeling of control when I was not in Top-Space.

I hated the controlling, nasty, possessive Woman owning him made Me into, and I still think of slavery with a mixture of intense lust and social nausea. Humiliation I just can’t bring Myself to, despite the way so many submissives fetishize it. I am not a woman who demean the ones I love. I just can’t go there. Yet.

These are the things you will be facing. If you love each others and he is wise, you won’t be facing it alone. But if you get no reward for yourself from it, you won’t be able to do it. So find what you enjoy, and build on that.

Good luck on your journey.


I agree with what everyone has said.

I would also enter into a reward/discipline system. I also like employing speech restrictions (they can’t speak and if they HAVE to say something they need to ask Mistress) and eye contact restrictions (they need to keep their eyes downcast as a sign of respect to you).

I like making subs kneel to kiss my hand when they greet me, kneel to kiss my boots as a reward and kneel for just about anything. I love kneeling. 🙂

Collars while working are also nice. It makes him realize that his will for that period of time is not his own. That it belongs to you. That HE belongs to you.

Inspect his work. If its not good, he gets a punishment. If he did a good job, reward him.

Thats how I would start.


That sounds like one of those letters you read in Penthouse’s Forum magazine. “I never thought I would have sex with a carload of porn stars but I swear this happened….”

As something of a follow-up to what Cinder said about bring freaked out by the monster she thought she was becoming (to paraphrase quite a lot), it’s completely okay to ask your sub for after care. We talk all the time about after care for the bottom, but tops can need it too. It’s bloody scary to realize you get off on hurting people.

Being a sadist still freaks me out sometimes, but every time I check in with my play partner, he reassures me he had a great time. If you have fun, and your sub has fun, how can what you’re doing really be wrong?

This is such an interesting thread that I couldn’t help but reply.

My sub was also shy, at least that’s what people thought as I see a different side to him.

We have been exploring his submissive nature and my newly formed dominant nature for several months and it truly is the little things that make a difference. My sub is often uncomfortable expressing his desires at that is counter to exactly what he wants. He doesn’t wish to make demands he wants demands to be made of him. THis is sometimes difficult as I too need direction.

I have found that small acts of dominance such as dictating what he wears when we go out or asking him to say certain things in certain situations. I would also suggest experimenting with orgasm control and/or denial. As control of this has proved to be very very productive for both of us.

I feel it is important that you also consider what you feel is erotic as you will have lines that you cannot cross (for me it’s face slapping) and your pleasure is vital to this new dynamic to work.

Whatever you do as a couple may I congratulate on your openess and understanding to your boyfriend. I too was confronted by an unexpected (but not surprising) revelation from my partner and like you, I researched and found a way in. My partner was brave to reveal himself as he had had dissappointment in this area before. I was touched by his honesty and it did not occur to me to not take this further.

He is a lucky man to have found someone who is open, he is fortunate to have found someone to share his desires.

Good luck and feel free to keep in touch.

Miss Drew

Diane, original poster December 17, 2008 at 10:58 am

I have simply got to first and foremost thank each and every one of you for responding so gently and kindly to this post. It is with a caring nature that we enter into these relationships, and it is with a caring nature that I dedicate myself to serving both myself and my submissive boy/boi/man. Just to update everyone, I’ve attempted to put into practice the journal, the restrictions on hardness, and all of the punishment suggestions. I wrote to my lover boy that I have made him a collar, and gave him the option of making it with snaps or buttons or velcro. He liked the idea of snaps or buttons, so that means that he likes the idea of being collared… but he hasn’t taken any steps forward the way I’d have liked him to. I think that partly he is afraid. I think that mostly he is afraid. But still I need to say to all of you who’ve written back about this, sensitively, beautifully, and kindly…

Thank you, from the bottom of my heart. Your words have encouraged me to go so much further than I would have otherwise.

Our life together, be as it may, has benefitted extremely from your vocal help and I appreciate every careful, thoughtful word. When he is ready to take the mantle of servant, I have all of you to thank for yoking him gorgeously.

“Social nausea”. What a perfect way of putting it. Yes, this is what I’m feeling when I think about hurting people. A queasiness in my conscience, only *not* my conscience, but, I think, my internal social guidebook. Social nausea. Now, how do you get past it?

“Having some sort of vanilla trigger–a pet word or look or hand gesture–makes even getting coffee for her in company a D/s act. My boy knows when I say, “Love, could you get me….” that I’m asking in my domme persona. And we can do that in front of parents with them none the wiser.” I love this! Genius.

The sitting at the feet thing really does it for me, too. The power of this is something I can understand from both directions. Just lovely.

I have been reading these replies to help with a problem I have had with my husband’s “outing” and I have to thank Miss Drew, in reading about her “shy sub” I have learned a few things about myself as a sub. You all have been so good to Diane and I think it is great that you all have come to help someone you don’t know with your advice. It’s kinda awe inspiring.

Awwww fanks! I feel all spesh now! I learn things about myself as a Domme everyday and I certainly learnt a lot about my ‘shy sub’!

Good luck