Don’t Put Up With That Shit

A friend of mine has been having problems with a submissive guy she’s been playing with. Most of their sex has been leaning toward vanilla lately. Not because she’s not in the mood, it’s because he’s not in the mood.

He just hasn’t felt very submissive lately.

I’ve heard this complaint from a number of women. Fun stuff they used to do has been pushed aside and now the guy’s just interested in having his orgasm and going to bed.

She told me her initial reaction was to put him in chastity to make him more agreeable but he declined. Now she’s feeling less dominant and more antsy to get the kind of kink she wants.

I’m not blaming the guy (well maybe a little), who really knows what’s going on in his head. Maybe he has other things going on in his life that are putting a damper on his submissive side and he needs to focus on that or maybe he’s just a douche who told her he wanted the same kinky stuff she wanted just so he could get inside her pants.

My advice to her was to go find it somewhere else. If she sat down and had the conversation with him and their desires didn’t match, she should just yell “Next!” and meet up with one of the other hundred thousand guys who’d love to get beaten, tied up, fucked and who knows what.

There’s no reason for any woman to put up with not getting her sexual needs met. I don’t care of she’s dominant, submissive or vanilla. If you’re not getting fucked the way you want then maybe you need to add another guy or girl or two or three to the mix until you are getting everything you want.

If there’s something you’re into and your current guy isn’t doing it for you, just pop and ad on craiglist and within minutes you’ll hundreds of guys replying. Sure not all of them are what you’re looking for but you’ll at least see one or two in there.   

And don’t pay any attention to what guys actually say on their first email to you. They’re not actually thinking when they write these things. The emails that appear intelligent were probably written months ago and they’re just copying and pasting. Besides, don’t you want a guy who’s desperate to please you and give you what you want? After all, you met this other guy who’s not so desperate and look where that’s gotten you. You’re placing an ad on craigslist.

If you find them attractive (photos, not words) then reply and set the tone in your response. He’ll probably be so shocked that you actually replied that he’ll probably be willing to give you his social security number at that point. Hell even I’m willing to give you some of the numbers in mine right now: 078. See! And I haven’t even met you yet.

As long as the guy doesn’t come across as a total nutjob then meet him for a drink, you’ll be able to tell within minutes. If you’re not into him then go meet numbers 2 through 8438349 who emailed you.

Women who want hot crazy sex are too rare to waste their time on a guy who won’t give it to them.


Speaking as a dominant woman who has “just pop[ped] an ad on craiglist”…

it’s a lot harder than you think. Yes, you get a ton of replies. From guys who are married, from guys who want to e-mail and talk on the phone endlessly, from guys who will no call no show on your coffee date, from guys who will show up for your coffee date and then reveal themselves to be totally neurotic and self-loathing about their kink.

It often seems to me like submissive men have this very romantic idea of what it must be like to be a dominant woman, especially in terms of how easy it is must be to find partners. But it’s really, really not. And so while I know this post is well-intentioned and I wholeheartedly support its “don’t settle” message, it kinda rubs me the wrong way.

Exactly what Eleanor said. Yes.

Wait, don’t settle message? I got a what are you whining about try being me message?

Oh, and it is hard finding people no matter what kind of specific grouping you’re looking for — period end of story.

Whilst it’s not always easy to ‘get what you want’ and I believe you are being a little simplistic to say that there are a lot of sub men out there just ‘gagging’ for it. I support the sentiment.

Sometimes a sub gets a ‘down’ as well as a ‘high’ from their sexual antics and actually, just after a session can feel as far from being submissive as is possible. That happens and as a couple you need to work around that.

However, what I wholeheartedly agree with is the sentiment of if you’re not getting what you want: sort it out! This either means communicate OR it means find it elsewhere. If you’re in a relationship that has been successful and is with someone you love this seems harsh and almost impossible (I should know!!!) but no one has to put up with unsatisfying sex.

There’s always a way.

@Eleanor: Try it beeing a vanilla-woman in germany… It sucks. *sigh*
I always thought men would be happy about a woman who isn’t looking for love. I stopped my attempts after 3 months because I was tired of all the discussions.

There were a lot of indicators in this post which reminded me of validation issues. In my experience, dominant and submissive feelings strengthen when the top validates the submission of the bottom by expressing pleasure, and the bottom validates the authority of the top by expressing pleasure. In my experience, both dominant and submissive feelings are likely to fade significantly in the absence of pleasurable validation in both directions. I mean, this is all supposed to be about pleasure, right?

I mean, I love when I ask kvetch to do something for me, and he presents me with the finished task with that extra special smile that he gets when he knows he’s done something which pleases me. My pleasure in bossing him around positively feeds and grows on his pleasure from pleasing me, and his pleasure from pleasing me positively feeds and grows on my pleasure with his efforts. I take a lot of care to express my pleasure with him and his efforts, sometimes even hamming it up a little  (he always knows and enjoys when I do that),  because I know how important validation is for our dynamic.

I know that when kvetch is in a bit of a state and resists me even a little bit, I prefer to address it right then and there, because if something’s up, I need to know about it. And I know that if he continues to resist me, then my first response is to exert my authority over him more strongly by reminding him that he has consented to abide by our agreement. If he continues to resist, then my second response is not to bother, at which point I disengage, tell him I’m doing so, and inform him that when he’s feeling better he can come to me and we can sort out whatever is the matter. So far, this has always worked for us.

In my previous relationships, if I let things slide at all, that tended to be the beginning of the end. I think that so many times pleasure goes unexpressed and unacknowledged, and displeasure ends up being all that’s expressed. In my experience, that can lead to much unpleasantness.

So I think that if your friend wants to continue with her play partner, she might emphasise how much pleasure she expects to feel if he submits to her authority as he agreed to do before, and how much pleasure she has experienced from his submission in the past. And she might also remind him in this order

1. how much fun he isn’t having now,
2. how much pleasure he experienced with her before when he submitted as agreed, and
3. how much pleasure he can experience with her by submitting to her again

Then they can both hopefully have what they want.

And I agree with the others about how difficult it is as a dominant woman to find a compatible submissive man. I mean, if it were that easy, I’d have a few more around to make the coffee and stuff in the morning when kvetch is struggling to get up. But I don’t. I’ve spent a lot of time looking, and I know that have a lot to offer. However, in my experience at least 999 contacts out of 1000 claim to be seeking certain things which turn out to be completely different things. Of the few who actually turned up for a meeting with me, at which I agreed to take them on for a trial period, nearly all of them contacted me before the second meeting to back out, mostly due to fear on their part which was unrelated to me. Most of the others seem to be seeking unpaid sex workers, so definitely no to them.

Right now I’m taking a break from actively looking, because it takes much more time to wade through the thousands of unsuitable replies than I’m willing to invest at the moment.

I hope your friend manages to work things out to her satisfaction. Will you tell her good luck from me, and that I’ll be thinking of her?

I agree with Eleanor and Alisa. Sure, there may be hundreds of submissive men out there, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to like them just because I’m dominant. I have other qualities, and so do they. Even if I was just looking for a fuck, deciding that they are not a nutjob is not enough to lead me to making that decision.

Nooooo, CL never works for me. (Neither does CollarMe. Nor Fetlife.) I am very into the “meeting up with a total stranger for kinky times” thing, and only ever get to do it professionally, because when I don’t charge, people no-show.

It’s one of the universe’s great mysteries: you can sell domination, but can’t give it away.

I deeply hope this post is satirical, Axe. I really do.

I’m gonna throw in a ditto with Eleanor, Alisa, and Sara.

All I’m hearing is a whine. As others have stated, meeting someone tends to involve more than dominant + submissive = good times. There is more to me than my love of beating men up, and hopefully more to a boy I like than enjoying being beaten up.

Dittodittoditto. I also just get “women get to be in charge and have all the fun”. It doesn’t feel that way on this side of the gender divide.

Also: if, as has happened to me before, I wasn’t feeling my submission and my Dom just said, “Next!”–which he could do, because he’s hotter than most of the Doms in like a 100 mile radius–I would be really hurt. These are people, not nos. “2 through 8438349”.

MistressAnonymous April 9, 2009 at 1:00 am

I’ve had the same experience E described: wondering why when I’ve set up an anonymous CollarMe profile or run a craiglist ad or gone on FetLife looking for personal play I get mostly no shows, creepy e-mails, and men with raging personal insecurities…and when I charge several hundred dollars per hour for kink time I attract mostly fantastic guys. Several of my prodomme friends have had similar experiences. It’s absolutely the opposite of the way you’d expect it to be.

What she says /\. If you’re providing a service, the worker deserves his/her keep. If $$$ are out of the budget, then trade. “I’ll spank you/play with you/shag you senseless; you do my garden/walk my dog/service my car….” Maybe even spanking *whilst* doing the garden.

We all have off days when we don’t want to work for it. But if a guy/gal was regularly not sticking to a previous agreement, it’s time for a discussion and finding out what’s going on. Maybe your relationship is done. Maybe your squeeze wants you to perform the smack down/bad cop routine and doesn’t know how else to get it. I wouldn’t throw a guy out without that discussion first, but that’s me.

To those of you who can sell it but can’t give it away, don’t you think that in part it’s because if you’re selling it there’s a modicum of control on the part of the buyer? More than a modicum in fact? “I’m paying so it’s my fantasy” AND “I’m paying, if it gets too bad I can leave” AND the old Bitchy Jones complaint that most sub men find their fantasies in comic books and bad porn and don’t actually want to serve but want to get close to a beautiful woman and accept the beatings as part of the cost?

That’s all hypothetical as I come from the top, but that’s what always made sense to me.

I feel her pain. And I know that the solution isn’t to yell “next”. There’s a reason why I want that guy who now just wants his sleep. And I went through the thousands of guys once, before I found him.

Abstaining from hot crazy kinky sex is easier than going through all of that all over again.