There’s No Gentlemanly Way To Ask…

Asking for something I’m curious about is pretty much impossible for me. Asking for something I already enjoy is equally difficult.

It comes down to a few things.

-It’s hard to not sound like a do-me sub if I were to ask for something.   

-If a guy asks a woman then it’s creepy. If a woman asks a guy, then it’s hot.

-I genuinely don’t want a woman to do something just for my benefit, I’d much rather she do it because it’s what she wants.

-There’s no gentlemanly way to ask someone to fist you.

I’m using fisting as an example just because I recorded a podcast with someone who talked about it and then had another conversation with a friend yesterday and wondering how I’d experience that popped in my brain.

You can use any number of other things to replace fisting. CBT, sounds, mummification, strap-on play, teasing, or just a good old fashioned beating.

How do you ask someone to do something dirty to you like a gentleman? How do you do it without sounding like you’re just being greedy and not interested in only getting your desires met?

I mentioned this on Twitter and had a few interesting replies. I’ll take their names out since I didn’t get their permission to repost. (yeah..I’m a badass mofo)

“Terribly sorry, old bean, but could you be a chum and just give my prostate a little squeeze? There’s a love.”

“Pardon me, don’t mean to be a bother, but could I perhaps have a hand? In my ass, that is.”

“Do be a dear and shove your fist up my ass. It would be greatly appreciated if you could at your earliest convenience.”

“My darling, what lovely fingers you have there. If it pleases you, feel free to massage my prostate with them”

But it’s not just kinky sex. I remember having a conversation years ago with a vanilla woman I was sleeping with. She asked why I never asked her to go down on me.

Her: “Why don’t you ever ask me to suck your cock?”

Me: “Well, I figure you’d do it if you wanted to.”

Her:”But I think it’s hot to hear a guy ask me to suck his cock”

Me: “Will you please suck my cock?”

Her:”No, not now.”

There’s another side having desires.

While playing, I really don’t think about anything other than what’s happening. I get lost in the moment and forget what it was I wanted in the first place. Or maybe I get into some submissive headspace where what she desires becomes what I desire and what I was curious about doesn’t matter anymore. It’s like my sexual desires become whatever is happening, whatever she’s doing to me or having me do to her in the moment is exactly what I crave.

True, if I”m being teased or something, then I’ll really want to fuck or to go down on her, but I don’t crave any other kind of play.

Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m lucky that I’m never wishing for something else while someone is playing with me.

So is there a way to ask someone to play with you without sounding creepy? Or to ask for something specific without sounding like you’re a do-me sub?


Suggest in a way that’s helpful:
“Hey, TGO, you just went to Shibaricon, right? Listen, if you learned any new ties you wanna practice(1) and you need a demo body, I’d love to help out. I’ve been looking at some rigging photos lately that have got me really hot.(2) I’m pretty free this weekend if there’s a good time for you.(3)”
(Notice: (1)generosity (2)inspiration (3)specificity. ALL important in a pitch)

“Your blog have been cracking me up!(1) And kinda turning me on. Your post about fisting really got me thinking, too. It’s something I’ve never tried and I’ve been really curious about it.(2) I love how much you seem to enjoy it and clearly you’re really good at it too.(3) Do you ever teach fisting? Or is there something in it you’d like to explore? (4) Because if you ever need someone to demonstrate or practice on, or if you ever wanna, you know, show off your technique and take my fisting cherry,(5) I would absolutely volunteer.”
(1)Attentiveness (2)Engagement (3)Ego-stroke (4)Helpfulness (5)Temptation

Make a Date
“I was thinking about going to Suspension next week(1) but it’s hard going to those things alone: they’re so much more fun if you have someone to play with.(2) Would you be interested in meeting up with me there?(3) I’m up for whatever kind of public play you are and if we get there and it’s too crowded to play, you can at least get a good, stiff …drink outta me.!”(4)
(1)specificity (2)problem (3)solution (4)escape clause

“Ya Need a Hook”
“I really like your tweets about your scenes. You know it’d be really cool, like, if we played one day, and you took over my Twitter account and live-tweeted the play! Maybe it could even be interactive with people replying with suggestions on what to do to me next! We could do it on, like, a Tuesday night when there are lots of people typically on, hype it in advance even maybe. Do twitpics. And then do a he said/she said blog post after. Wouldn’t that be hot?”
(This one actually worked on me, which is why I’m suggesting it. We haven’t done it yet but we will. If you do it first, it’s okay.)

Or forget the strategy and just ask. Worst she’ll say is no. As long as you don’t keep asking all the time (and she keeps rejecting you) she likely won’t hold it against you.

I tend to mention that I’d like to do it sometime in a conversation about sex that’s not taking place during a sexual act.
Jack and I chat about stuff we looked up, or saw, or whatever at otherwise non-sexual times… “Hey honey, the porn I watched last night had a really cool position. Do you want to try it sometime?”
“Hey love, Adam&Eve has a sale on buttplugs. We talked once about getting one for you… do you still want to?”
That way the interest is put out there, but without a context to make one or both of us feel like they’re being pushed into doing it.
Good luck 🙂

When you’re talking about sex and something comes up that you’re interested in… say that you’re interested in it. “Yeah. I’d like to do that some time, I’ve never tried it.” or “Gosh, doing that’s fun. I need to find a way to experience that again.” That way you’re expressing your interest in a way that doesn’t put any pressure on the person. Or even say “I’d love to experiment with X at some point in the future if you’re interested.” and then let it drop.

I think there’s a difference between asking for a particular sex act that you and your lover haven’t done before and something that you *have* done before and just want more of (or are in the mood for it at the moment).

I think the former is easier to do in a sex conversation that is outside the context of having sex. Or perhaps just *after* sex (which is what I tend to do all the time, in the “that was fun! I really enjoyed myself. You know what I’d love to do sometime…” way). There’s not a lot of pressure to have that sort of sex right then and there, but you plant the seed that you’re interested/curious/want it/etc. I also think that when asking for something *after* sex, the other person seems more receptive, but maybe that’s just my luck.

As for something that you’ve done before and want more of, I think you can ask for it at any time. I’ve had my lover ask me to suck his cock and I think it’s massively hot when he asks me to do it… so much so that I usually do it right away. However, there’s a lot of fun in the whole “Oh, you’re asking me for that now, are you? Well, let me tie you up AND MAKE YOU SUFFER.” response as well that we both enjoy. The same happens when I ask him to do me from behind. No need to ask a second time, it’s Going to Get Done.

I’m also big into “make a date” response as well. There’s something really wonderful about knowing what sort of play we’re going to have on that date and I know my mind races through ways of how it’s going to go more and more as the time comes closer.

I know I want my lover to tell me what he wants, for more ways for me to give him pleasure. I want to be the person that turns him on like no one else and to give him what he wants like no one else. I think that’s part of what makes me a good lover.

I definitely agree that bringing it up at a completely non-sexual time. That does make it less of a request, and more just casual information, more something she could take or leave or indulge or whatever she wanted.

I guess it’s just a lot like begging, but (especially if I were with someone with whom I played regularly and really knew how he felt about asking for things) if a guy like you managed to tell to tell me even one thing he wanted to happen to him, it would turn me on so much. Not even necessarily in an erotic situation.

Having to struggle for me? That’s sexy.

See, this is why it is sometimes easier to be a German. You don´t have to be polite – you just do it!

I’ve had plenty of people ask me to fist them in a polite way (men and women) in my case, I’m known as a fisting top, and that I’m quite good. So someone asking “hey, so, I hear your awesome at fisting. I’d really like to try that; would you try it with me?” is both polite, and in no way ‘unsubmissive’ (if anything can be unsubmissive – who’s to define submission?)

I had been curious about being single tailed – so, I asked Eileen if she would single tail me so I could experience it. “Hey, you’re really good at and enjoy this thing, and I trust you, would you do it?” (I wound up not getting single tailed, but I’m pretty sure she didn’t think I was rude or a do-me bottom when I asked.)

As for the ‘do me’ bottom stuff – ASKING for what you want doesn’t make you any less submissive. How the hell is a top supposed to know what you like and want if you don’t say something?

You are obviously interested in what your partner wants, and want to please her, which is pretty much the opposite of a do me bottom, who’s there to get their rocks off and nothing else.

I mean, am I do a do me top if I say “hey, I think caning is really hot, can I cane you during a scene?”

Them that ask, get. Do you think I’d still be fooling around with Sebastian and doing things to his butt if either of us had never asked each other about it?!

For Me the difference would be between a man I don’t know and a man I am already playing with. From the first, unless we were negotiating, it would be creepy. In negotiation, it would be fine. From the last, if he BEGS, it’s hot, hot, hot. I may refuse him: “My hand up your ass? It will happen when ever I want that, boy.” I’ll think it’s seriously hot to refuse him though. And then I’ll be thinking about what he wants Me to do, and I’ll do it, just to see how he reacts – some time when I want to do it.

The point here is: I don’t feel manipulated by requests. There are things I might never consider without being asked, but which might just be me losing out, big time, on something fun. Also, being asked tells Me a LOT about the guy. More power to Me, when I know what he wants. Yummm.

But as a pick up line? Well, if I tie a red hanky around My left arm, I’d be very disappointed if I don’t get that kind of come-ons 🙂 Otherwise, I’ll rather not be asked that question. I try not to look like a woman who stuffs a fist up men’s asses on a refular basis.

I am with Cinder and Wendy. I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking for something you want and if we aren’t playing then it doesn’t come across as topping from the bottom. Otherwise beg beg beg 🙂

Similar to Wendy, I am known to be the girl with the strap on and have a rep for being really good at it (and I am if I do say so myself) so having someone bring up strap ons is not out of the blue for me, but by the same token if there is something Finn wants to try or another partner for that matter, how am I supposed to know if nobody tell me? I would expect to be able tell him the things I like, whether I am dominant or not.

Yes/No/Maybe list. It’s a way to get all your dirty little secrets out in the open and see if your partner is into the same things as you are. 🙂

“Maybe that’s a good thing. I’m lucky that I’m never wishing for something else while someone is playing with me…”

I like that a *lot*.

In answer to your question, just say please.