Makes Me Sound Lame

As time goes by I’m finding myself thinking those dreadful words that turn so many dominant women off:

“I just want to please you”.

Why are they dreadful? Because it sounds as though I don’t have a backbone. As though I’ll just take whatever I can get. Like I don’t have any needs.

Granted, I’m not thinking that if I meet someone at a party and she wants to tie me up or whip my back, that’s different. But if there’s a connection, I just want to please.

While there are still many many things on my pervy list of curiosities but I’m finding myself not caring as much about that list as long as the dominant is getting off.

Maybe it’s because my recent experiences have had a closer mental and emotional connection or maybe it’s just what happens when you’re with someone for more than just a few play-dates.

I find myself looking forward to the connection just as much as I’m looking forward to getting beaten or fucked or bound. Even those times when there’s little BDSM stuff involved.

I’m finding that giving myself to someone for whatever is on their kinky list, to be just as (or more) powerful than getting whatever I’m hoping for. When I give myself over to whatever she has in mind, it never feels like anything is missing. In the past I’d always hope for something specific and it was great when it happened but kinda “eh” when it didn’t.

Leading up to it I have lots and lots of dirty thoughts and hopes of what will happen. When the moment arrives however I’m a big blank slate. I want to say “just do whatever you want, I don’t care what, just do it.”

I’m also finding myself willing or even wanting to do things I normally wouldn’t just to please the other person. I find myself wanting to go further..deeper.

Being open.

Just enjoying the moment.

“Right now, at this moment, I am yours. I just want to make you smile.”   

I think it, but I don’t say it.   

Because it makes me sound lame.


gosh… i think that might possibly sound awesome. this post made me feel happy for you. being open and enjoying the moment! that’s so wonderful!!

It can sound lame, I’ll be honest.

But when I know where he is coming from, when I know where that desire comes from… then its almost unspeakably hot.

I’m with Noel. It can sound a little corny, but if someone is actually there to please, it doesn’t matter that they say!

(And really, everything sounds sexier if you kind of moan it.)

I don’t think that makes you sound lame at all, I think you’re in very good company of men who sound delicious to um, some of us.   🙂
I wrote a post which exactly describes what you’re talking about. To me, lameness was unavoidably detained, whilst tasty goodness was the star of the show.   🙂
Actually it’s interesting to me how frequently validation has arisen as a topic in my world recently. However much validation rocks  (and it really, really does),&nbp; I wonder if hunger for validation is catching.   :p
So I vote for a renaming of this post, from “Makes Me Sound Lame” to “Being Yummy”.   😀

Actually, those words turn Me on. While they also make me suspicious (watch out for the guys who promise too much, they always disappoint), words of surrender and desire to please hit Me in the gut and wakes up the beast that wants to just take My own pleasure.

Then again, I like words.

hmmm yeah I’ve heard it in ways that were definitely lame. First off I have to have something to connect with. So from a stranger I’m attempting to get to know, lame. Someone I already have a connection with it can be very hot.

oh and btw if you say it “Right now, at this moment, I am yours. I just want to make you smile.” I think that would way up the hotness level. That might even be ok from someone I didn’t know well.

It seems to me that “I just want to please you” can mean two different things, and the question of whether or not it’s “lame” depends on how it’s meant and how it’s said. The “lame” version is the one that means, “I am so desperate to be loved and accepted by you that I don’t have the self-respect to claim what I want.” This, for obvious reasons, is not sexy.

The not-lame version–the smoking hot version, in fact–is the one that means, “My business is your orgasm, because it gets me off to make a woman come and to be the agent of her pleasure.” This is different because it’s not a form of self-negation. It’s laying claim to your own pleasure and, in an implicit way, expressing your own set of erotic expectations.

No one’s turned on (except the sociopathically self-loathing) by someone who’s not turned on. The key to expressing the desire to please is that it needs to imply–or better yet, state directly–that her pleasure is the means of your own erotic gratification. Her pleasure gets you off, right? So think of “I just want to please you” as a mode of seduction, not an admission of lameness, and it will work to seduce.

I used to roll my eyes at that phrase until I met the right person to say it to me. Then it was unbearably sexy. It’s all about perspective and knowing what will turn your partner on. You seem to have the best intentions in mind so I would say you’re on the right path. =)

I think it’s a lovely concept–and a lovely post, too. “I just want to please you” does hit a less than lovely button for me, it’s true. But saying it differently and more originally–“I’m motivated by seeing that you’re enjoying yourself,” “If you show that you’re happy, that’s more important to my satisfaction than any specific activity that causes that happiness,” “I’m more into giving myself over and letting you drive than any specific activity,” or, better yet, the many quite charming ways you elaborated on it in the second half of your post–can be absolutely delicious to, ahem, certain people.

I agree with therambler and Trixie. I hate it when I hear it from some dude who has just sent me an email for the first time, and it’s clearly a form email. I’m like, you don’t know crap about me, and you just want to please me? Yearite.

If it’s a real desire to do what I want, in the moment–very hot.

Agree with most who posted before me – it’s kind of about the reason behind it. “I just want to please you” can mean “I’m pathetic and have no desires of my own, but just want someone to accept me” or it can mean “What’s hot for me is pleasing you,” which is another thing entirely.

If it were an email from someone I didn’t know, like on collarme, I’d rather it say, “When I’m having sex or a scene with a dominant partner, I just want to please her” rather than “I just want to please you” because the personalization isn’t warranted yet. (It’s like, in the vanilla world, the difference between “I love sucking cock” and “I want to suck your cock.”)

In person, something like you said here might be both sexy and clear. “Of course there are things that really turn me on, and I have my own fantasies, but I find that once I’m actually in a scene with someone, all of that is overwhelmed by the scene itself and I just want to be there in the moment and do whatever I can to please the top.” Something like that 🙂

Trixie wins the thread.

Right alongside my belief that there are genuine masochists and there are guys who would like beautiful women to be interested in them and are willing to be beaten for the privilege. I’ve met plenty of women in that latter category, don’t know why it should surprise me that there are men there too.

There could be individual unique cases, but I think the idea that men submit to being beaten in return for attention from beautiful women is just a submissive fantasy.

I think there are genuine masochists and submissive men who are not masochists, but are willing (and perhaps eager) to endure pain for their dominants. It could be considered a form of service or part of giving up control over the situation.

In any case, I hope Dev is right. I would not want to be with a man who is not interested in pain or submission for their own sakes.

Okay, I admit. I’m one of the women this *does* sometimes bother. Which is not to say, as has been eloquently pointed out before me, that it can’t be sexy. It can. In the right time, with the right person.

But I don’t like hearing this sometimes, even when it’s completely true. Two reasons:

1. This means if I don’t have a good time, the scene fails? Am I obligated to get off now, or become aroused, or get wet? Because in reality, sometimes those things don’t happen when I play. Sometimes I’m so focused I don’t even realize I’ve been enjoying myself.

I have an emotional investment in seeing my play partners enjoy themselves. I want to be able to control that investment through what I *do*, not how I *feel*.

2. Blank slates are hot. Kinks are hotter! I want buttons to press. I want specific fantasies to work from. I want people who spend as much time thinking about ridiculous details as I do. I want to be the person who makes those fantasies come true. I want someone who has creative, sadistic ideas and is totally willing to share them with me and then have them turned back upon themselves.

I’m sure this is a style thing. That’s just the way I like to communicate, and play. I know for a fact not all women are like me. But just for me, personally? “Anything” is not enough.

It’s not the tastiest phrase in the world. As everyone above has said, context makes the difference. Often, my reply is “You are in my space, on my time. If you are still here, I am pleased. If I’m not having a good time, I know where the door is and how hard to push you through it.”

Why not reveal what you’re getting out of it & add a little humour and say instead,
“I’m very selfish and love to selfishly give others pleasure – it makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside”

I actually wish that guys would say things like that more often 😐

Except… yes, if it was from someone random, or from someone I didn’t know, or completely out of the blue, I would just be bewildered.

I just had to giggle when I started reading your post because I had also just received a text from my boyfriend that said the same basic thing. I know coming from him what he means and that he means it. But I still have a hard time with accepting it because I feel like I should be the one saying it to him. I have always been submissive and now that I find myself in a relationship with another submissive its really been a struggle. Two pleasers together just seems to make both of us sexually frustrated and unsatisfied. I’m glad that I stumbled across your blog though I hope it will give me some insight to where he’s coming from since he seem to be very much like you down to the whole oral fixation and oral worship thing. I’ll be reading more of your posts later and hope that maybe I can find something to help me understand my guy, his desires, and needs.

there are guys who would like beautiful women to be interested in them and are willing to be beaten for the privilege

The men who would like beautiful to be interested in them and merely “endure” a beating because it’s the only way they think they can get a beautiful woman’s attention are not only lame, but inauthentic, selfish pricks. It’s these men who are truly “pathetic” in the worthless sense of the word.

I have an emotional investment in seeing my play partners enjoy themselves. I want to be able to control that investment through what I *do*, not how I *feel*.

Sara, why do you see these two things as distinct from one another? When you feel something, you what you are doing is inevitably influenced by that. I grok the distinction between an action and a feeling, but why so adamantly disassociate your own feelings with your play? That does not strike me as though it can be satisfying for you—it wouldn’t be for me if I were playing with you.

This is the right blog for anyone who wants to find out about the following issue. You realize a lot of its almost hard to argue with you (not that I truly would likely want…HaHa). You certainly put a different spin for the topic that’s been written about for many years. Wonderful stuff, really superb!

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