pro-dommes

A Whip Smart Podcast Is Live

Mistress Alex and I sit down with Melissa Febos who’s book Whip Smart details her experiences as Pro Domme in NYC.

We talk about her experiences writing the book, the reaction she has received from the mainstream press, how people in the lifestyle have reacted to it and more.

As always, feel free to leave a comment on the podcast page, rate and comment in itunes or just drop me an email if you or someone you know would like to be interviewed on the show.

Thanks again to everyone who’s supported the podcast by either donating, spreading the word or just plain listening and giving feedback.

Click here to subscribe to the podcast in iTunes.

Masocast - Masocast - Masocast

 

 

A Testament To Douchebaggery

I’ve been fighting with myself and others wether or not I should post this. It’s not something I’m proud of. Not my shining moment in the sun to say the least. I’ve decided to post it because I’ve learned something from it:

I answered their ad that mentioned they were looking for a submissive male to perform service for them. It would start out with cleaning and chores with a chance that it would lead to more sexual play.

We exchanged emails a few times, I answered their list of questions and they decided to meet me. I was excited to say the least. Finding not one but two women for service AND play? It seemed too good to be true.

It was too good to be true.

They wanted to meet at a sushi place on the Upper East Side, I arrived ten minutes early. They arrived thirty minutes late.

As soon as we sat down they started asking about me and my search for a dominant. The tall blonde suggested I shouldn’t have moved to New York from the midwest since it wouldn’t be any easier for me to meet anyone here. She said it as though she was bringing something to light that I didn’t know.

We briefly talked about what growing up on a farm was like. After I mentioned the fact that my father had to sell some his land, the blonde said “NO! Never sell land! That’s just not smart. You never sell land!”. She was pretty much calling my father an idiot. As though he had a choice in the matter. As though he had options.

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to tell him that when I talk to him next”, I said politely as I could while being sarcastic.

They asked about my friends in the lifestyle. The tall blonde assumed I had been to a professional. I told her I had never been but I did have friends who are.

“What are their names? I have a beef with a few Pro Dommes”

“I’d rather not say. I don’t feel comfortable name-dropping. and I don’t think they’d appreciate me using their names as a reference without asking them first.” She looked angry and I added “If it’s a deal breaker, I understand”. The last thing I wanted was to get a call from a friend saying “Why is this nutjob calling me?”

I was then asked what my budget was for dinner.

“Um. Nothing? I’m sorry, I didn’t know you wanted me to pay for dinner. I won’t be eating anything since I’m tight on cash. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding.”

I was then told that it was a given that I would pay. “It’s just good manners”, the tall blonde said.

Later the brunette would tell me that she had never been on a date with a man who didn’t pay. She looked at me with disapproval.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was a date. I thought this was more of an interview for possible service. If you want me to go to the ATM and get twenty bucks I will”.

“See? That’s just rude. Then you’re putting the responsibility on me to say yes or no. You should just offer to do it”.

At that point I was glad that I didn’t go and get some cash. I was torn. I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt as I hoped they were giving me. Maybe they were having a bad day or maybe they really hated me for some reason.

We talked about my experience with service. I mentioned my positives and negatives (folding fitted sheets). I mentioned how I wasn’t looking for play in return for service, that I’m not the type to make mistakes on purpose in hopes of being punished. If they wanted to play that would be great but I wanted them to know I enjoy service for the sake of pleasing. They seemed semi-interested but it was hard to read them. I mention that I was looking for someone who liked the idea of a man in service to them and not someone who didn’t care who did it as long as it got done.

We parted ways and I emailed them to thank them for their time and wished them luck on their search if they weren’t interested in me.

One of them replied saying: “I found you to be rude and cheap and your presence ruined my meal. It was a testament to charity and patience that I did not leave sooner.”

Oh? And what is it a testament to that you would send such an response to someone who just thanked you for your time?

I’m wondering why I didn’t just leave earlier. Why didn’t I excuse myself the second I realized they were not what I was looking for? Why did I give them the benefit of the doubt? It seemed clear fifteen minutes into it that they weren’t interested. Why do I consistently find myself in these situations and never learn to avoid them? The warning signs are there. I just need to open my eyes. Or not block my eyes with my cock.

It’s been a while since this happened. I’m not angry at them anymore nor am I hurt by the experience. I’m willing to accept blame for this one. I should have made it clear that I was in no position to pay for their meal before meeting them. We’re still living in a universe where some women will feel I need to pay them for the right to clean for them.

There are some dominant women who use their dominance as an excuse to treat men like they’re a dime a dozen (probably because we’re a dime a dozen).

The most rewarding service I’ve ever performed was to someone who required me to bring a receipt for anything I bought while in service. It was clear that my service was the important thing, not my money. I was providing what they saw was the most valuable thing possible: my sweat, dedication and sincerity.

The most rewarding sexual relationships I’ve had have been from those who wanted to be with me for my body or for my mind (sometimes both). Once again it was my sweat, dedication and sincerity that they valued most.

From Client To Personal Fucktoy

I’ve been encouraged to go to a Professional Dominatrix by a number of lifestyle friends. Not for the experience of playing with one but in the hopes that she would meet me and want to maker me her personal slave or boyfriend. I’ve talked about this subject before of course. Some have told me it’s a bad idea but many have proven that it actually does work. As I’ve mentioned before, a majority of submissive men I personally know in relationships, are former clients.

This subject popped in my brain again recently when a Pro I know mentioned it:

“I find that the BEST relationships are in fact those that go from client to personal. Because there is this anonymity that sessions allow and somehow encourage honesty. Then the bonds are slowly formed without any of the b.s. vanilla that tends to creep in and take away from what really forms that connection with the other person.”

Peridot Ash has me confused on the subject. In one post called “Angry About Clients Seeking Girlfriends” she writes:

“I told him the first time that I do not date my clients, and that includes dinner outside of sessions! Obviously he wasn’t listening when I said that he should keep trying the personals. When I said that it was not easy for me to find my boyfriend (I don’t really have a boyfriend, as you know, but it’s usually the only reason a man respects when it comes to you not wanting to date him), since most men would want me to quit and become their own personal 24/7 domina slave queen (hint, hint).”

Yet in another post she writes:

“Anyway, because he was so attractive, I did what many johns do when they fancy the looks of their paid companion: began conjuring up fantasies of dating, molding him into my perfect little submissive anal sex boy just because I thought he was attractive, not wondering at all about the life he leads in reality. But catching a glimpse of his wedding ring pretty much put a stop to my predatory thoughts.”

Speaking as someone who’d love to be molded into the perfect little submissive almost-any-kind-of-sex boy, my eyebrows raised a bit on this one.

I should say that I’m no where near being in a situation that would allow me to become a client or a boyfriend for that matter, but the day may come where I am. If that day ever does come I’ll have to consider becoming a client and hope that she’ll find me attractive enough to want to mold me.

Three Dates In One Day

A dominant friend is in town this weekend and she met three submissive men in one day.

She wasn’t at a party either. I’m talking three dates with three different submissive men in one day. She’s picky too, she didn’t just meet any guy who was submissive, she had to narrow the candidates down. She had that many options.

I’m lucky if I meet one Domme every fiscal quarter.

Yet I still hear women like Bitchy Jones claiming that there are just as many dominant women as submissive men.

I’m floored by this idea.

If that’s true. Where are they?

I’m not much for faith. I don’t believe in any kind of God either (though he or she can prove their existence right now by getting the Domme of my dreams to knock at my door right now. Ok… now. Nnnnnnow? How about now. Ok, I just proved there is no god.) I need a proof of purchase when it comes to a god and I need one for the “equal number of dommes” theory as well. I’ve seen no evidence of either being true.

Funny how the two beings I’d like to worship don’t exist.

Look, it’s all about economics. There’s an entire industry built around catering to submissive men. If there were an equal number of dominant women to submissive men, then why aren’t there any women out there looking to pay me to submit to them?

There really isn’t any point to this post. Other than the fact that I know a dominant woman that went on three dates in one day.

Three in one day.

Three dates in one day.

Why I’ve Never Gone To A Pro-Domme..Why I Might Someday

It’s one of the more common questions that people ask me:

“Why don’t you go to a pro?”

The answer is long and nuanced but the biggest reasons are as follows.

-Being wanted:

I want to be wanted, taken, desired, owned, even if it’s for a short time. If I went to a pro, I’d be admitting to myself that I couldn’t find someone who wanted me because I’m desirable, even for a short time. It would be a very hard thing to admit to, knowing that the only way was to pay someone. I also know that it would only be part of the equation. There would be many things that I’d never experience with a pro, like fucking ourselves silly and cuddling after a really intense scene.

-Pleasing:

The last thing I’d want is for someone to play with me if she didn’t want to or wasn’t in the mood. Nor would I want her to do anything to me that she didn’t love. The fact is, I’m sure she has better things to do than play with me. I always felt if I really wanted to please her, I’d just hand her the money and leave. Considering that I know more professionals who are submissive than dominant in their personal lives, this seemed to be obvious.

-Money

I’m not a wealthy guy. If I did go and really liked it I’d want to go again…I’d want to go every day but could probably only afford to go three times a year. I won’t lie though, in moments of extreme desperation I think I may have gone if I had the money.

There will probably be a day when I do start going to a pro-domme. As the possibility of meeting someone slips further and further away I have a feeling it’s only a matter of time.

Three years ago the very idea of Pro-Dommes was one that I never would have considered. Every professional I imagined was just a stripper who held a whip. Everything she knew about BDSM came from softcore porn. They’d lie cheat and steal just to make a buck (I had been tricked by one before and it left a bad taste in my mouth). At least that’s what I thought. I was wrong.

My first “really?” moment was when I met someone was once a pro and was dominant in her personal life too. She’s smart, funny, someone who I went out on a few dates with. It didn’t take me long to realize I was wrong about putting professionals into one big group. She’s now one of my best friends and someone I love dearly.

Later I briefly met someone who once again confirmed that there were professionals who were passionate about the lifestyle. Hearing her talk it was obvious that was as much a spiritual thing for her as it was physical. I googled her shortly after meeting her at a friends party (I think I may have even emailed her to say hi in hopes that she’d email back saying “hey I’m single, let’s date”). Reading her blog was eye opening. If you have a chance to read Mistress Yin’s journal you’ll see what I mean.

Troy Orleans is another professional that makes me think there should be a different term for the word. “Pro-Domme” can mean such a wide variety of people. She has this classy and confident vibe about her. When you read her blog you imagine her typing it from the edge of her seat with a big smile on her face as though she knows something you don’t. She probably does.

MVX is smart and funny as hell (I almost said as a whip but that would be too….obvious) and the few times I’ve hung out with her, she seems like someone who really enjoys taking a bite out of life. On top of that, she’s an incredibly nice person and knows more about fine dining than I’ll ever know in my lifetime. Every time I’ve discussed food with her she’s mentioned dishes that I’ve had to google. Again, did I mention she’s smart? I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s a MENSA membership hiding in her purse.

Calico is…well….Calico is Calico. Read her blog. Nuff Said. She seems so comfortable, confident and well… fierce. Even when she’s quiet and not saying anything it can be a bit intimidating.

After meeting people like these I’ve realized not all professionals are cut from the same cloth. While my ideal experience would be with someone I’m sexually involved with, the ability to at least know what it’s like to experience certain things might make up for it.

There are things I want to do before I die and I’ll probably have to pay for all of them. I want to see the world and as much as I’d like it if the airlines wanted to fly me for free because they like me and WANT to fly me to exotic locations, it’s not realistic to expect it.