A dominant friend is in town this weekend and she met three submissive men in one day.
She wasn’t at a party either. I’m talking three dates with three different submissive men in one day. She’s picky too, she didn’t just meet any guy who was submissive, she had to narrow the candidates down. She had that many options.
I’m lucky if I meet one Domme every fiscal quarter.
Yet I still hear women like Bitchy Jones claiming that there are just as many dominant women as submissive men.
I’m floored by this idea.
If that’s true. Where are they?
I’m not much for faith. I don’t believe in any kind of God either (though he or she can prove their existence right now by getting the Domme of my dreams to knock at my door right now. Ok… now. Nnnnnnow? How about now. Ok, I just proved there is no god.) I need a proof of purchase when it comes to a god and I need one for the “equal number of dommes” theory as well. I’ve seen no evidence of either being true.
Funny how the two beings I’d like to worship don’t exist.
Look, it’s all about economics. There’s an entire industry built around catering to submissive men. If there were an equal number of dominant women to submissive men, then why aren’t there any women out there looking to pay me to submit to them?
There really isn’t any point to this post. Other than the fact that I know a dominant woman that went on three dates in one day.
Three in one day.
Three dates in one day.
Well, look at it from the other side – Gabriel, from back in January, had four women who were beating him up, two of whom are girlfriends.
Its not a matter of ratio, really, but of finding a compatible match. There could be a perfect ratio of dominant females to submissive males, but that doesn’t mean every one is going to pair up and be all hunky dory. There would still be personal tastes to take into consideration, personalities, ect.
Personally, I have no interest in most of the submissive males I meet, and I’m sure there are plenty of submissive men who have no interest in me.
Anyway, a relationship is based on more than ‘You’re a top, I’m a bottom, lets play’. A BDSM relationship is first and foremost an interpersonal relationship, an interaction between two people before it is a play date. (I hope I’m making my point here. Its 4 am.)
I tend to agree with Bitchy. My theory is that 90% (or some high percentage) of dominant women are not “in the scene,” not on d/s hook up sites, and certainly not attending — or more likely even aware of — events like leather pride.
Of all of the dominant women that I know personally from places other than the internet (I can think of 11 off hand), I am the only one who is considered “in the scene,” and that is strictly online. In other words, none of them even have an online “mistress” profile (that I’m aware of). Yet they bind, beat, tease, and otherwise dominate their partners quite happily, year after year.
I think most of us are where I spent the first 20 years of my active d/s life: in vanilla places, finding partners in vanilla venues and on vanilla dates. And CERTAINLY not even *fathoming* the idea of having someone pay them for sex.
I’ve never had a vanilla relationship, even in high school and college. Yet until my current partner, I always found my kinky guys through mutual (vanilla) interests, mutual (vanilla) friends, sports events, workplace, etc.
However, you are right in this way: compared to numbers of submissive men looking, there are probably very few “combination lifestyle and prodom” women or just “lifestyle dominant women who dress and act prodommish more than 1% of the time,” who spend their time “in the scene,” who have d/s online profiles or blogs, and/or who attend public BDSM events. I think THAT is the discrepancy you feel.
So the seeming lack of available dom partners you experience is accurate I guess.
As to why there aren’t tons of dominant women looking for pro submissive men, I guess it would be the same reason that vanilla women haven’t created a booming market with an entire industry built around it for gigolos.
Hint: it is NOT because women have no sex drive.
QueSara makes an excellent point. Before going Pro, I had been to one fetish party and only happened to own a corset because of a past photo shoot. I met guys through vanilla channels and just got kinky at home.
The only reason I have a fetish wardrobe, the time/patience to develop my skills and pop in at parties is because… it’s part of my job. Otherwise, I’d still just be bossing my boyfriend around behind closed doors. In my pajamas.
Maybe you should try vanilla dates with sexually adventurous/aggressive women?
Ditto to what they said.
Also, the way “being a dominant woman” is portryed in our culture, probably turns off or scares off a lot of potential doms. It’s those weird standards set by a patriarchal society acting against us again. You know, all that stuff Bitchy says, only she says it better than me. And also, I think the theory goes that there are roughly an equal amount of women *with dominant tendencies* as submissive men, not necessarily people acting on those tendencies. One of the reasons I personally feel that there seems to be a shortage of doms is that our culture teaches women to be submissive, and that conditioning can be hard to break out of, or to even realize that it’s there sometimes.
And I also get the impression that your personal standards are pretty limited in specific ways, ie you’re attracted to a pretty limited, stereotyped type of woman.
Also, no offense, but you have a pretty negative attitude about all of it, with the bitterness and all, and I completely understand that and empathize. However, that sort of vibe has a really negative effect on your chances of finding someone to be with. I’ve discovered that I always have exponentially better luck meeting people when I’m happy, or out with someone I’m having fun with. It’s kind of a spiral though, I know. Good luck.
Also, no offense, but you have a pretty negative attitude about all of it, with the bitterness and all, and I completely understand that and empathize. However, that sort of vibe has a really negative effect on your chances of finding someone to be with.
I have to agree with AlmostMagic here. I mean, I’ve been out for drinks with you a couple of times, Axe, and we’ve moved towards discussing possibly playing together, and then I read this. It makes me wonder if you even want to play with *me*! In fact, after both times going out with you, you wrote about how there’s “no one” out there, when I was clearly there and interested!
And maybe you aren’t interested, and that is OK. But… wow. It’s a blow to the ego!
I hate to break your fantasy, but you need to understand that it’s not always easy for a woman who’s dominant to say, “OK, let’s do this!” Dominating someone makes me feel vulnerable – not in the moment itself – but the desire to do it, and the aftermath, is a vulnerable thing. There’s all this social conditioning I’m going against (no hitting, be a Good Girl, be Nice, etc.) and it’s not easy. It’s hot, I have the desire for it, but it’s not *easy*. That shame that Bitchy writes about… I get that. I worry that I’m a bad person, a monster, etc.
When I told you that I’d like to play with you, I took a big leap.
I think you forget that a submissive man also has power in a D/S interaction. You can always say “No thank you”.
No one likes rejection. Not even dominant women. And it happens to us more than you’d ever imagine.
Not to pile on, darlin, but you are a rather picky fella about with whom you desire to play. I’ve heard several stories from you about being out on “dates” with women who enjoy kinky play and like to Top but because you’re not immediately physically attracted to them, you kinda dismiss them.
I’m not saying that you have to lower your standards or anything: it’s perfectly valid to want to play with someone who makes your dick hard. But I bet those guys your lady friend went out with didn’t necessarily make her wet just by lookin’ at ’em … though at least one very well might’ve made her a little juicy in the knickers once she heard the noises he made when she was whippin’ him later.
I want you to count how many women you personally know who are dominant and/or Top in play. I can think of a half-dozen you’ve met up with or had drinks with in the past month, and those are just the ones I’ve heard about. nexOs made a great point about how you make us feel when you suggest we don’t exist, even when we’re staring rightatchya.
Yeah, I have to agree with nexOs and Troy – I know plenty of women who are dominant/tops, and even more who switch and still like to top. Its sometimes weird to read about how you ‘never’ meet any, when I know they’re out there.
Well.. so it seems there is something of a landslide of opinion about a couple things here. Now don’t get Me wrong.. I just named you on My blog as one of My fave sorta male subs. BUT.. you attitude does need a serious tune up. Folks pick up on negative energy.. and prospective Mistress’s will too!
If you put up blocks to what can happen, then you certainly lower your odds of it happening. I tend to look at physics from a quantum place rather then a Newtonian place. So I see lots more possibilities of creating what you want. Hence what I meant about ‘manifesting’ Her. Positive attracting positive. And anything CAN happen, if you let it.
And I gotta say that I don’t think most of us Mistress’s are in it for the money. I never had money as a consideration. Being able to work to support himself. yes.. but not Me as well. I’d be willing to bet that by far most of the Ladies that comment here are not in it for a sugar-sub. In the Capital City Female Domme group I’m in, I’ve never once heard any Mistress say “oh yeah,. well.. he was a kick ass sub, but he just didn’t make enough to keep Me in bon bons.”
You have a great humor.. but the negativity hangs about you like a cloud dearie. Time for some White Sage. As someone said, look at your self and your attitude.. and see what you might be broadcasting that would make Her turn away in the first few minutes.
It really IS true that attitude IS everything..
Continuing to wish you the best of luck axe..
Wendy: Gabriel could charge for his advice:)
Qusera: So the question is, where does one meet those in hiding?
E: I’m currently on many different ‘nilla dating sites trying to do just that.
Almostmagic: I wouldn’t call my type a stereotype. If I introduced you to my type you probably wouldn’t imagine her as the stereotype. But yes, I am picky.
NexOs: Well first of all, my blog posts aren’t in “real time”, they’re usually weeks after something happens. 2nd of all, I believe I told you I was interested in playing as well:)
Troy: Yeah, I do have the hangup of needing to be attracted to the person. I’ll admit that. Yes, I do meet dominant women often, but again, one that is into me as well and vice versa? Not often.
Mystress: My problem isn’t that women are turning the other way, it’s that it’s difficult to meet the ones I’m into in the first place. You are right though, I do have a negative cloud lately. I’m usually good at covering it up though. I just vent in my own little space here.
Gabriel doesn’t have to charge for his advice. He’s not sure how he did it either, but I can tell you.
He was himself the entire time, which was a nice, intelligent boy who liked books and geeky things and asked me out in a nice way, and mentioned in passing he was kinky. He didn’t treat me like a potential dominant, play partner, or anything. He treated me like a nice date who’s blog he liked. Conversation eventually turned to sex and kink naturally, since it was common ground, and then I decided to take him home with me.
He treated me like a person, not a potential fantasy come to life.
Hilariously (or not) I’m the eighth woman to comment on the post who identifies as (sometimes, all the time, whatever) dominant.
I’m as blunt as a hammer and always have been, babe: Strike a balance here. Your personal little space is not your personal little space any more. The people who come to this blog may think of you as a potential partner: what you say *will* affect you in the real world.
If you need a rant space all the time, consider going private. Or writing emails to friends. Or getting a new blog. Or learning to balance your language (or your attitude) so that you don’t erase me and the other seven women commenting. We’re very insistent ladies. We don’t like being erased.
That bluntness out of the way, affection for you. Most sincerely.
Axe, maybe it depends on what you mean by “into you.” Being amenable to hanging out and playing with you sometime and wanting to beat, fuck, cuddle, and live happily ever after are two different things.
In case you haven’t noticed, when you hang out with me as a person (i.e. not in service or ‘submissively’) you end up getting played with.
I don’t know the backstory of the relationships you have with the other women who are posting here but seems we’re all saying the same thing. Doesn’t mean the spaceships are coming but …
Well, Axe… is that enough women who have all made it clear they only have positive interests for you, all chiming in here and saying that they think you have a tail…
Maybe it’s time to look at your butt in a mirror?
I will add though, I do not believe that it’s anywhere near a 1:1 ratio that BJ believes. If you define “dominant” as someone who is assertive and willing to be an “equal” in a relationship, ok perhaps 1:1 – but if you define it as someone who’s interested in BDSM, someone who’s a pervert, a fetishist, a kinkster. Someone who is into D/s… well yah, I’m sorry, it’s not close to 1:1 – and that’s not even including the gay #’s – because although kink exists in lesbian relationships, the % pales in comparison to gay men.
I agree with nex0s as well. I expressed an interest in you as well after reading your blog and you told me I was too old! No damage done but at some point you’re going to have to figure out whether you are looking for a “play” partner or a “life” partner? Maybe you’ve set the bar so high so that you continue to fail because it’s easier than reaching out and trying. And sure, it’s okay to need/want certain basic chemistry but remember, you’re not going to find perfection on the internet. I mean maybe you will, but you don’t know unless you can get past a single picture or an age or whatever else is holding you back and get out there and just take a chance. You never know what kind of treasure you might find. As much as I like you, this blog has me pretty disappointed in you.
As the woman who went on the dates I guess I should give my 2 cents. The men were all incredibly hot, accomplished and interesting and I got rejected by one. I also have alot to offer and prefer to focus on my own development as a person rather than focusing on finding that one person. This is going to sound elitist, but many subs arent as [insert list here] as I would like.
I dont let rejection bother me, although the ego does take a blow. There are many reasons someone is into to you or not. One of the subs I dismissed quite quickly despite the fact that he was hot. And I played with the third if you must know. Finding subs that are not sexual tourists is a challenge. I could have a bajillion subs, but not all are subs in the sense that I want them to be (to identify it as an orientation)and everyone defines their ‘subbyness’ differently.
Candace: I know I didn’t say anything that harsh. I need to look through my mail archives and check. I can’t imagine saying anything like that. Yes if memory service, there was an age gap. But I know I wouldn’t have phrased it that way.
As far as the difference between a play and a life partner. Why can’t I look for similar qualities in a play partner than a life partner.
It’s true that, as Troy put it, I do need to feel attraction to the person even for casual play. I wish that wasn’t the case of course.
I gotta say that based on the posts by some very cool dominant women here … in my humble opinion … you are dominant babe magnet. I know you’re tortured but wake up dude … smell the kinky coffee … look at the pretty thorny roses. Enjoy the process a little more. Sheeesh…
For what it’s worth, I’m a submissive man and would love to get this much attention from dominant women on my blog or elsewhere. But, funny how this works, all the dominant women are over here instead of places like, hmm, let’s see, my blog or where Axe is trying to meet you all.
Yeah, funny…right? It’s almost as if the only way to prove this many dominant women exist is to claim that they don’t exist. That’ll get you all commenting in hordes.
Look, I don’t ever claim that dominant women don’t exist because I know you do, and I don’t mean to be derisive towards dominant women by saying this, but I do intend to showcase exactly what Axe is whining about (and Axe, buddy, you really are whining this time) in his posts of late. And that, by the way, is not that you don’t exist, but that he can’t seem to meet a dominant women with whom he can nurture a relationship that he wants to have.
“Funny how the two beings I’d like to worship don’t exist.”
I am always amused to hear that I don’t exist. “Amused” is putting it gently though; it’s a big turn off. I think I told you this in an email a while back. I’m really going to have to agree with Eileen on this. What you say online when you have a prominent and public blog presence is going to affect how people interact with you in the real world. I think there is general agreement that you aren’t presenting the best face you could to potential dominant partners. Also, please also don’t dismiss someone because you’ve met once or twice and they aren’t ready to play with you. Sometimes it takes weeks or years of flirting before the right connection and chance presents itself.
“Look, it’s all about economics. There’s an entire industry built around catering to submissive men. If there were an equal number of dominant women to submissive men, then why aren’t there any women out there looking to pay me to submit to them?”
The gender imbalance of the sex industry exists in every branch, from domination to escorting to dancing to porn. Men pay for sex; women don’t. There too many reasons why to list here, but I don’t think it has much to do with your point. It makes you sound very silly.
“As far as the difference between a play and a life partner. Why can’t I look for similar qualities in a play partner than a life partner.”
You can. You’ll just play a hell of a lot less. (And people will give you a lot less room to whine about being single.) If you are holding out for The Perfect Woman, you’ll likely be sitting around waiting for a long time. Submissive or not, it’s difficult to meet someone with every quality one might ideally want in a life partner. Consider that as one gains a variety of experiences, one learns better what one really wants. Also, consider that when you do find her, lovely and perfect as she is, she may very well be looking for someone with experience that you won’t have.
Here’s a personal example. I am single; I have been for at least a year and a half. I still date, play, and fuck on a semi-regular basis. I play with a variety of interesting people, some of whom only share one of my kinks, some of whom aren’t even vaguely physically attractive to me, some of whom are decades older than me, some of whom have commitments and complications that would make them awful long term partners for me. It’s not always perfect, but I do have a great time with them regardless, and it keeps me busy and happy and active. In fact, the playmates I have often lead me to meet people who are more closely oriented to what I’m “really” looking for. I still consider myself picky and I turn a lot of people down. However, I have a looser set of criteria that I use to select playmates and casual relationships than I do a life partner.
I’m not trying to say that you should go out and play with every women who might say yes to you. You should absolutely be careful with your personal safety if nothing else. But I highly suggest being more open to experiences for their own sake.
Ooooh…..I have been away for awhile.
Interesting comments here, I cannot wait to continue catching up 🙂
I have real issues with the assumption that there must be as many dominant women as submissive men. Who says? Why must that be so?
Are there as many dominant men as there are submissive women?
Are there as many switch men as there are switch women?
Are there as many lesbians as there are homosexual men?
Are there as many polyamorous people as there are monogamous people?
Are there as many bisexual men as there are bisexual women?
My opinion, not based on any formal study, is that there are generally more submissives than dominants, regardless of gender. I don’t know of any reason why the numbers must be equal. So please don’t lose heart.
Oh, one more thing, you aren’t competing against each and every other submissive man out there. You’re only competing against the submissive men who are seeking what you’re seeking, and who have to offer what you have to offer. That ought t cut down your numbers a huge amount, if you’re worried. 🙂
Usually it does take somebody to put the words in front of you before you recognize that anyone should certainly receive additional treatment.
Hello there, just stopped by doing some research for my Diesel Jeans website. Amazing the amount of information on the web. Not what I was looking for, but interesting page. Have a good day.
…great post and while tardy my contribution would be to agree with QueSera in that i have had 2 very fruitful M/s relationships via good old vanilla land so……
…am surprised that it has not been mentioned that worthwhile studies have shown that there is a relative paucity of women who identify as sexual sadists and that this is probably the underlying source problem for the shortage of natural Dommes …