Domme-dar, Slave-dar and Black Rose

A friend and I attended Black Rose in DC this weekend.

I’ve been to other events similar to BR but this is by far the best I’ve been to yet. Of course it helps that I attended with one of my best friends.

The classes were well organized, the hotel was great but a bit expensive (Note to self: stay at the hotel across the street next year and save some coin) and the people were amazing.

I did enjoy a bit of complex rope bondage thanks to the friend I went with. There was an attendee area to their website and Viviane had suggested I put something down on my profile to indicate I was dying to be beaten until I collapse.

I did post it.

I didn’t get one.

Someone owes me a good beating.

Our biggest disappointment was that we were only there for just over one day. To get the full benefit I think one needs to be able to stay for the entire event.

We met a few friends for dinner and the subject came up of Domme-dar, the ability to detect someone who is dominant.

A dominant at the table said she has slave-dar, service-dar and a few others as well.

For me it’s very obvious when I detect it. Of course there are plenty that I don’t detect but when it’s there…it’s REALLY there.

It could be the way she walks, carries herself, talks, looks at me or just her overall vibe.

I usually get weak in the knees (possibly due to a desire to be on them), find myself either at a loss for words or having way too many of them, heavy breathing, extreme fidgeting, occasionally whimpering and I’ve been told I get a look in my eyes. Similar to puppy dog eyes but more…wanting.

When I’m around a woman that pops up on my Domme-dar I don’t necessarily have sexual thoughts, it’s more of a feeling of helplessness. Helpless because I desperately want to do something for her to please her.

Perhaps it’s that desperation that turns them off.

I have no problems meeting or sleeping with vanilla women because for the most part, I have no interest in them. I’m my normal confident funny self and only see them as possible friends. I can’t imagine anything more than short-term sexual buddies (if that) because I know what I want long-term. It’s funny how that works.

Maybe if I knew what makes me pop up on the slave-dar, I could prevent those qualities from coming through.

Or maybe it’s the tight leather pants that clues them in.


Helplessness and desperation are huge turn-offs for me. Confident and funny are great qualities.

I think it is *always* easier to talk to someone when you have less invested in it. The moment it matters, things become more difficult. I doubt that’s an orientation thing at all.

I agree w/ Victor. I think Domme-dar, slave-dar, etc are all variations on a common theme… attention to subtle energies, and attitude. So much information is processed unconsciously, it’s easy to read, if you know how. I hope you find what you’re looking for.
Wonderful post.

Why would you want to mask whatever qualities you might have that would make you pop up on a dominant woman’s slave-dar? That seems rather counterintuitive to me. Slaveish qualities are not unattractive to dominant women seeking to partner with a slave or a submissive, you know….

Yea, I’m going to second Maymay on this one. Helplessness and desperation in submissives is *sexy.* It just needs to be balanced with other aspects of your personality, and brought out when appropriate. I think the common negative reaction to immediate slavish qualities isn’t a reaction to the qualities themselves. Rather, it’s a reaction to the immediacy.

To put it more bluntly, and more personally: I want a chance to get to know someone before I start trying to handle a D/s dynamic with them.

Chiming in with a *wtf* on helplessness and desperation in submissives being a turnoff to dominant women.

I find that LOOK that comes into a submissive man’s eyes to be rather… compelling, actually. Whether I act on it … and how … depends on a myriad of other qualities.

But that look, that trembly nervousness that is obviously because his Domme-dar is beeping (not because he’s a trembly nervous guy by nature)??? Hate to bust a myth, but for at least some of us that is enough to perk my attention.

I agree with what every otherr persons here said. I do pick up kinkdar and can tell little sublte mannerisms and energy.

It can bee that look in his or her eyes that gives it away, but I also sense that person’s need to want to submit and if’s directed at me I instantly perk up and approach the person.

For me it’s the pushiness of some male submisssive that are really not submissive at all more like dominate masochist when they approach me, but if it’s a genuine submissive and I see the internal stuggle and nervousness then I become very predatory.

Be yourself and don’t think that what you have to offer is not what a dominant woman wants, quite the opposite.