D/s Relationships

Powerless

It’s very rare, but occasionally I’ll meet someone who I feel an instant “click” with. I’m not only physically attracted to them but also attracted to them in a psychological way as well.

It’s such a bitter-sweet feeling because it’s great to click with someone but horrible not knowing if the feeling is mutual or not. I need to take mind-reading lessons. I feel desperate to please them in some way. It’s such a powerless feeling to not know what someone wants from you, if anything at all. It’s so silly to have those feelings when you just met someone.

I could be talking to her about the weather and yet my mind will be racing, betraying me, saying other things:

“Yeah this weather is crazy isn’t it?

Is there ANYTHING I can do for you?

Please?

“Yeah I know, I wish we could have at least one day of sunlight soon”.

Please, just tell me what you want!

Tie me up, use me, rape me, let me worship you.

“Really? A low pressure system coming from the north? Wow, that’ll be quite the storm.”

Ugh, I’m dying to clean for you, anything that will require me to be on my knees

“No I really think this will pass, we should have decent weather by the weekend, great for going out in the park”

Would you like to lead me around by a leash or beat the crap out of me?

“Cool, hey it was great meeting you”

Can I please be your friend?

Please note, I’ve had a few beers while writing this and am feeling more powerless than normal.

Happy holidays!

Fighting The Dominatrix Stereotype

One of my best friends said something to me that made me even more frustrated with the stereotype of a dominant woman. We were talking about how she was coping with her relationship with her submissive coming to an end. She was understandably upset about it and was questioning herself and her desire to be in a D/s relationship. When acknowledged her disappointment and sadness she said “It’s not very Domme-like is it?”

I tried to explain to her that just because she’s dominant, doesn’t mean she won’t second guess or feel down like everyone else. She’s human after all. She an incredibly powerful, smart woman and an amazing Domme, but even superman has kryptonite.

This may be one reason why so many women don’t feel comfortable showing their dominant side. They believe that they need to fit into some mold of a Dominatrix, always confident, always sexual and always “acting” dominant.

Here are just a few reasons why some dominants have told me they sometimes feel less of a Domme.

1: She didn’t feel comfortable yelling at a man.

I’ve played with a decent number (yet still far too small) of dominant women and I can’t remember being yelled at once. The only time I’ve ever seen a Domme yell is in BDSM movies. A whisper is more powerful than a yell in my book.

2: She didn’t want to have to be the one who does all of the work when it comes to sex.

I’ll grant you that when it comes to some forms of play, the submissive does do less “work” (nice work if you can get it), but when it comes to actual sex, I find that I’m the one that is encouraged to be a human fucking machine, not her.

3: She didn’t like to cause a great deal of pain.

As someone who identifies as a masochist, I can say that, while I enjoy being ripped apart, beaten and left as a shivering puddle of flesh on the floor (ok that hasn’t happened yet but fingers crossed for someday) it’s 1/10000th of the possibilities out there. Just because she wasn’t a sadist doesn’t mean she wasn’t a good dominant.

4: She wanted a man for a boyfriend, not a doormat.

This comes down to the submissive and how their submission manifests itself, some may be prone to acting like a doormat. Mine gives me strength. I feel more powerful when I know I’ve pleased either through service or sexually. If I’ve made her cum a record number of times using only my mouth and sacrificed (sacrificed isn’t the best word, but I’m kinda sleepy as I write this) my own pleasure for hers, I feel taken, used and…more masculine. The same goes for the rare occasion I get a really heavy beating, I feel stronger knowing I could take it for her.

5: She just felt like cuddling.

I’m a cuddle whore…give me your best shot….please.

6. She felt uncomfortable humiliating a man.

I’m at a loss on this one. I’ve never been humiliated in the context of play (plenty of times when falling for some phony on collarme or alt however) and haven’t felt the need to explore it nor have I ever been with anyone who enjoyed it.

7: She had a hard day and needed a good cry.

Again, the idea that a dominant woman is impervious to feeling blue is insane. I’ve tried to talk friends through this feeling in the past and it’s a difficult one to combat since it battles some crazy caricature.

I still don’t have a good logical explanation for it. For me it’s obvious but I lack a good way to comfort someone in this situation.

How do you explain to a dominant that just because she may have been tricked by a submissive or had her heart broken by one, it doesn’t make her less of a good dominant?

Finding The Other 95% Of Dominant Women

This post by Ms Jones really struck home with me.

For those of you that aren’t familiar, the ratio of Dominant women to submissive men is…well way off. Some say it’s a 1/20. I say it’s 1/98239873498. At least it feels that way.

So how does one find that other 95%? Clearly we need to make the enviroment more comfortable for them so they don’t feel like freaks (or at least in a bad way). We need to sneak more things into our media showing healthy, smart, successful women in control and overpowering men…in a good way.

Ok I got a little turned on there.

Maybe I should run for office and make it a requirement that all women who get a little turned on from the thought of being dominant need to register with the DMV or something. That way you could just look at her drives license and see:

“Oh look you’re an organ donor and you enjoy service, protocols, heavy caning and oral worship”.

It would be so much easier. Then I could get a job as a bouncer and I’d meet plenty every night.

It’s so crazy it just might work.

Another friend pointed out that it’s much easier being a dominant man and gradually introducing BDSM in a relationship than a submissive man. He suggested that I try dominating a little in bed first and then see if she’s more interested in turning the tables on me.

While that may work in theory, I don’t think I could bring myself to do it.

Ownership

I have been active in the lifestyle for almost ten years now (though it’s difficult to be active when living in the midwest, hence the reason I moved to NYC two years ago). I’ve been interested in one aspect or another of BDSM for as long as I can remember. While there are many things I’ve tried, there are many more I haven’t. Some are things I would only be able to do within the context of a relationship.

While talking to a fellow sub recently, she posed a thought that I had never crossed my mind.

What if I have some false ideas about what a D/s relationship would be like. What if I wouldn’t enjoy it? What if I am meant to only enjoy casual play and anything longer than a few hours would be too much for me?

Then she brought up another idea….a hair-brained scheme of sorts. One of those “It’s so crazy, it just might work” ideas.

The idea? A full weekend of slavery.

“What if you could spend a whole weekend as an owned submissive? Sure it wouldn’t be anything like a real relationship, but at least you’d have a better feel for what it would be like, you’d at least get a taste so you could find out if you’re on the right path or not.”

I had never questioned if I was on the right path or not, it just felt right. But she did have a point, one that I couldn’t imagine being true, but she still had a point.

A full weekend of knowing what it was like to be under someone’s total control. Of course it wouldn’t be two straight days of play, it would probably be more like a relationship. There may be some play but there would be a lot of down time, perhaps I could do chores/service. Who knows what it would be like.

If it’s hard to find someone for casual play that I’m into and impossible to find someone for a relationship. Finding someone for something in the middle would be difficult.

“You could go to a pro for a weekend” she said.

“Yeah great, I’ll just save every penny for 3 years and let you know how that turns out”.

A few things have come to mind when I contemplate doing this.

-I would have to be willing to travel anywhere in the country to find someone up for this.

-It would have to be someone I totally trusted, spend even more time getting to know them than I would for casual play.

-It would have to be someone who was prepared for my emotional reaction when the weekend came to an end. I have a feeling I would get very emotional after finally having a taste, a very small hint of what I’m looking for and then having that come to an end.

-It would be nice to find someone who actually has some experience in a D/s relationship, someone who knew what the reality was like, or at least someone who had a good idea of what they wanted in the context of a D/s relationship.

-It would have to be someone who wanted to experience it as much as I did.

“That’s a pretty tall order,” my friend blurted.

As we were leaving the diner, she handed me 50 cent’s.

“What’s this for?”

“You might as well start saving for the pro-domme weekend now”.

“Smartass”