Posts By axe

Am I A Masochist?

· December 31, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , , , · 18 Comments

A vanilla friend of mine recently said “Hey if you want to get beaten up by women, just walk into a lesbian bar dressed as Rush Limbaugh.”

I’ve been with a few people who thought they were sadists, but when it came time to play they would just barely tap and maybe tap once or twice then look at me saying “Can you take that? Is that enough? Is it too much for you?”

Yes, I’ve faked it once. But the other times I’ve usually just said “more please”. There’s sometimes a look of sadness and disbelief when they realize I can take more pain than most.

Ok…that sounded like bragging.

I will say this, there’s tons of pain I’m not sure I could take at all. I’ve never been whipped for example, nor have I experienced CBT or a heavy flogging or..wow lots of stuff.

Here’s the other thing. I may not actually be a masochist at all.

Some define a masochist as someone who can take a lot of pain, others say its someone who can have an orgasm from it.

I’ll say, from my limited experience with caning, that I’m more of the former. But then again, I’ve never been caned by someone I was really into.

One of the hottest experiences in my life was when I was out on a date with someone, we were making out and she dug her fingernails deep into my side (so deep I had marks in my side for months and months afterwards). I was in heaven. She whispered in my ear “I love that you’re a pain-slut”. It wad one of the sexiest things anyone has ever said to me. Sadly that was as far as it went with her.

I do know that, when it comes to caning, I can usually take a lot of pain. I friggin’ love it. I love taking it for that person, feeling their power and….ok I guess I am getting turned on by it.

I also love the emotional release. I’ve only had one really really good beating and I ended up crying because of it (and because while in deep subspace I thought heard the voice of the woman I was desperate for at the time).

I will tell you one form of torture I can’t handle: Musical theater.

I’ve come up with a few possible craigslist headlines that may attract a sadist:

-Please beat the shit out of me

Nah too graphic

-Please make me hurt

Nope…she could just stand me up and do the trick

-Want to work out your frustrations?

No, sounds like every Casual Encounters post

-Is that a whip and flogger in your hand or are you just happy to see me?

Too cliche

-Beat me and you could win a free toaster!

Bingo that’s it! It appeals to every sadist and…who wouldn’t like a free toaster?

More Drunken Ramblings Of Too Much Honesty

· December 30, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 10 Comments

I’m writing this on the subway going from a ‘nilla party to a lifestyle gathering. I’ve had a number of beers and I feel it would be better if I get this out of my system now so I don’t end up rambling about it among my lifestyle friends:

I had a late lunch with a new friend who asked me if starting this blog was just another way for me to meet a dominant woman or not. Itold her the truth.

If I were writing this blog to meet a Domme I would make it sound less desperate. I would go out of my way to sound smart, funny, confidentand charming. I know how my desperation kills any attraction someone may have for me. Thats why I always need to (try) put on an act when I’m aroundsomeone I’m attracted to. If I were honest about my thoughts and feelings I would come across as desperate because…well..I am.

If you knew someone that packed up and moved to a big strange city for the sole purpose of trying to find a Domme would you think of that as desperate? Maybe….ok probably.

Some move to New York to get their big break. I moved here to find someone to find me broken and put me back together.

Note: its lines like that that I’ll regret posting this in the morning.

I have heard plenty of stories from my dominant friends about how annoyed they get when some “old creep” approaches them at a party andis so desperate to be with them that they get weirded out.

I can’t say that I approve of the way they approach a dominant, but I can sure empathize. After all, that can easily be me in a few years(or months). Honestly I think that the biggest difference between me an those “old creeps” is that my fear of rejection prevents me fromsaying or doing anything that would make me come across as anything but a nice guy. Someday my desperation may very well overwhelm myfear of rejection and I’ll show just how desperate I am and I’ll be just another creep.

So, am I desperate?

Yes

I’m slowly learning to hide it better though and hopefully my over-eagerness will not come through. It’s still hard though.

When I meet someone I’m eager to play with I’ll send far too many emails or text messages, sometimes several a day…or hour. If I were smart I would just play the same game that get’s played in the vanilla world. If you appear as though you have options you increase your perceived value.

In the world of BDSM, openness and honesty are key…unless you want to actually play with someone then you better not tell them how you actually feel.

May wrote this post that gave me a lot to think about. Damn I wish I could put into practice even half of his words of wisdom. He’s the only submissive male I know of in a relationship. Does his wisdom and confidence happen to all sub-males when they find someone? I hope someday I’ll know the answer to that question.

I’ve learned to focus my search for a Domme in three ways.

1: To find the occasional play partner who I can please physically andhopefully explore the many things I have yet to try.

2: To find a Domme that enjoys service so that I may scratch my morespiritual submissive needs.

3: To find a Domme for something long term who will be able to replacenumbers 1 and 2.

Obviously #3 is my highest priority but hey I’m only human.

So I’ll end this rant with this:

Yes I’m desperate, yes I’m needy, yes I know these are qualities that are hurting me more than helping but I’m trying to learn how to cover them up.

Ok, this is my stop. Time to put on a happy and less jaded face.

New Years House Cleaning

· December 28, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 7 Comments

I’m getting ready for the New Year!

I’m still debating on what I’ll be doing for New Years eve. A friend will be heading to BDSM event though not sure I want to shell out the cash for it. I’ve had a number of invitations for parties with some of my ‘nilla friends. I’ll probably end up flipping a coin.

Meanwhile I’ve been doing some New Years house cleaning in preparation for the next 12 months.

I do have a list of goals I’m going to set (one is to get a beating that I can still feel the day after) but my immediate goal is to remove some of the things that have caused me stress over this past year.

I’ve decided not to renew my Alt.com profile. It’s still there, I just won’t be sending any emails. Actually, now that I think of it. I’ll probably get the same number of emails I was getting when the profile was in gold status.

There’s one woman who I’ve been eager to serve, play, worship, do anything with. She knows this and has used it to torment me but not in a good way. She will text or call me, flirt with me just to get me to become eager to be with her, then I won’t hear from her for weeks. Then she’ll do it again, calling me expressing interest in doing something then she’ll cancel our plans the last minute. She’s been like this since I first met her in March. I know what she’s doing. Whenever she needs to feel wanted or desired she calls me. She constantly gets my hopes up only to cancel at the last minute. She’ll talk about wanting me to sleep at the foot of her bed chained and used just to get me excited. Then she’ll cancel hours before meeting. Over and over we’ve played this dance. She’s probably canceled close to a dozen times.

Two weeks ago I sent her a text after once such cancellation:

“Look, you know how badly I want to submit to you. You’ve said that you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. You have me if you want me but there’s nothing more I can do. It’s there to take if you want it, but it won’t be there forever.”

No reply

Today I got a text message from her asking what my plans were for the weekend.

I didn’t respond.

Cleaning house.

Friendship Collar

· December 28, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 7 Comments

***note*** I’m drunk as I write this. Damn oral fixation never stops and drinkinga beer is sometimes the only way to keep my mouth busy.

I am one lucky SOB

Most submissive guys will never find someone. It’s simple yet sad math. If (at best) there is one dominant woman for every 10 submissive males, then 9 guys will never, ever find what they are looking for.

I have spent countless nights trying to accept the fact that I will probably die alone and wondering if I would be better off calling one of those phone numbers I’ve been given by vanilla women while at a part or hanging out at a bar.

The one thing I can take to the grave is how incredibly lucky I am when it comes to my friendships. I have never been lucky in love (sex maybe but not love), but friendships have been my rock, the base, the foundation that I always know I can depend on.

There is a similarity between serving someone I feel submissive to and service for someone I adore as a friend, tonight I practically begged two newly-found friends to let me upgrade their computer. It’s a way for me to show my appretiation for how much I adore them and want to please them.

Most of my friends are women, a majority are whom I’ve met either through casual dating or casual play. One of my best friends recently asked “Am I your only friend you haven’t fucked?”. I don’t play with any of them now (why is it hard for so many people to play and be friends?) but our friendships take care of other needs.

They know I love them. I was walking down the street the other day with a vanilla friend who happens to know about my “Unspeakable acts” as she once called it (hence the name) and we would laughing our asses off about something. Afterwards we hugged, said our I-love-yous and went on separate subway lines. Ever time something like that happens I feel so full of love and happiness that I occasionally get misty eyed.

I’ve recently met even more people I have a feeling will grow into long term friendships. I’m insanely lucky in friendships.

Sure being a submissive male can be trying at times. Sure it might be another year until I get another really good beating (crap the last one I got was around a year ago). But imagine if I was still living back home in the mid-west. Not being able to tell others about myself, not being able to meet so many amazing people. Fuck I love this city. Geez I’m really buzzed from too many beers right now.

Maybe this is it. Maybe serving my friends is the only long term relationship I’m going to have. Maybe my collar will be one of friendship and nothing more. That’s not so bad.

I’m starting on a list of my New Years goals/resolutions.

The first on my list? Stop blogging while drunk.

Any others I should add to the list?

Serving Viviane

· December 26, 2007 · Uncategorized · , , · 11 Comments

Viviane gave me the honor of serving her and her guests at her monthly tea party just over a week ago.

I agreed of course (she’s difficult to say no to), though I was a little nervous since I had never served more than two people at a time.

The week beforehand I emailed her countless times asking if there was anything I should do to prepare, what to expect, if there was anything I should pick up…any question I could come up with. Clearly I was overanalyzing the situation. It was due to a combination of nervousness and eagerness to please.

I never know what the vibe will be when I first meet someone for service. Will they want me to be formal or “at ease”?

It was clear that I would be more “at ease” and that suits me just fine. The hardest part was watching Viviane do so much work while I just stood there while she prepared. My knowledge in the kitchen really needs to be expanded.

I found myself asking “Please is there anything I can do before the guest arrive?” but she had it all under control.

Thankfully as the guests arrived I became busier. So many new faces and a few I had met briefly before.

Most of my tasks involved serving drinks, taking out trash, placing food out. All things I was new to in the realm of service.

There were a number of moments where I did have time to socialize and meet some amazing people:

Meeting Sinclair and watching this trick impressed me to no end.

My ability to work an oven was painfully apparent when Calico brought some Mac-n-cheese that needed to be heated up. I remember thinking to myself “Hello, yes I’m a service-oriented submissive that doesn’t know the first thing about how hot an oven should be to heat up food…I’m a total ass!!! How are you?”. Her Mac-n-cheese was gone within 4 minutes by the way.

Wendy has an addictive laugh.

Desire also has a way of making me feel impotent in the kitchen. We shared some great witty banter.

May and Eileen are the only Domme/sub couple I know, not only is seeing them a validation that it could someday happen to me, they’re also incredibly nice.

Ok I could name-drop like crazy (Viviane doesn’t like having someone name-drop her constantly so I’ll try to keep the Viviane name dropping to a minimum for Viviane.)but the important thing for me was how I felt afterwards. I thought I did a decent job despite my lack of knowledge in some areas, fell on my face in a few situations but nothing too bad. I met some amazing people who I’ve been reading for years and it was nice to put faces to the words. Also Viviane, despite my fumbling in the kitchen, made me feel appreciated and that’s part of the reason I enjoy doing it.

The quote of the night?

Viviane said as I was leaving: “Ohh and we didn’t get a chance to flog you”.

Damn….don’t I know it.

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