Thoughts

My First Night In NYC and My First BDSM club

· January 4, 2008 · Thoughts · , , · 7 Comments

I’ve said before that I move to New York with the hope of meeting a Domme.

My first night in town, before unpacking, before anything, I wanted to go to a BDSM club to meet my future Domme.

I’ll admit I was in total dreamland about the local scene.

“This will be great”, I thought “I’ll meet several Dommes tonight and hopefully have a date or two setup and maybe meet my future owner. it may be best if I don’t unpack my things because she may want me to just move in with her by the end of the month”.

I had no fetish clothing of course. Why would I need any? I had never been to a BDSM club before and had no idea what to expect. Though I did imagine what it might be like.

I had spent months online, emailing people, reading up on the local scene and trying to find the best places to go. My first night was a weeknight so I knew that I would be a fairly light crowd.

I had several options of where to go but I picked one that didn’t sound so intimidating.

Calling it an event is using the term fairly generously. It was more of a gathering than an event. It was at a seedy looking bar and the cover was 30 dollars or something like that.

Ok wait. Imagine this. Farmboy from the midwest, first night in NYC, not knowing how to navigate the subways or even how to hail a cab, going into a BDSM club to find what has brought him here in the first place.

I walked in and (stupidly) was expecting to find this:

What I saw was this:

Ok..not exactly that..but basically a bunch of guys sitting around.

Then I saw her…a very attractive woman sitting on a chair with one guy on each foot worshiping her toes. I asked around and learned that she was a pro and I could worship her feet for fourty bucks or something like that.

It was a bit of a rude awakening but at least I knew what I was in for.

Obviously I had entirely the wrong impression of what the scene would be like in New York.

It’s normally not as bad as my first night out, but I suppose it’s best that I had one of my worst experiences on my first night.

Who knows, maybe there’s an alternate universe where there are a hundred Dominant women for every sub male and I am a very happy boy.

Over Before It Starts?

· January 3, 2008 · Thoughts · , , · 5 Comments

I told you before that I met someone.

It didn’t end there.

After that initial encounter I didn’t think I’d hear from her again. I had opened up totally and almost cried in front of her when she asked about my frustrations of finding someone like her. For some crazy reason she was interested in getting to know me and very recently we have been spending more time together. I make her laugh and the passion between us is amazing.

But….

Yes there’s a but.

But she’s not sure if she can go down this path. She calls me the “rabbit hole” because she’s worried once she goes to BDSM she won’t want to go back again. A close friend suggested that I explain it as though it were a menu. It’s not that you can’t enjoy the things you enjoyed before, you’ll just have more things to choose from. More options.

She’s enjoyed being dominant with vanilla men but being dominant with them means something very different than being dominant with me. WIth a ‘nilla man the bar is much lower than it is with me. WIth me she has almost endless options.

She’s a sadist, I can tell, I can feel it. I know it and so does she, but it’s a part of her she’s never addressed because she’s never been with someone like me before, someone who needs her to not hold back. She’s said she doesn’t feel comfortable yet and may never feel comfortable with that part of herself. She knows she wants to and daydreams about it, but can’t bring herself to it. She’s not scared of me, she’s scared of herself.

A few nights ago we were walking around and she told me about some of the guys she’s been with. She’s been proposed to by many and said yes to none. As we were talking about it I could almost see how this would end. I put it out of my mind.

I’ve introduced her to many of my closest friends, I’ve never done that before. Last night she met one of my best friends, my dear ‘nilla friend who knows all about me. Seeing them talking and laughing made me adore her even more. I want to introduce her to my Domme friend, so she can see that you can be dominant, sadistic and still “normal”.

Thankfully she’s being honest. She’s told me that she may never be able to go down that rabbit hole. We both agree that we want to be something to one another, but that something will probably be friends.

I know I should just enjoy the time she and I have and not worry about it. Maybe I’ve been hurt so many times that I naturally expect it will end with me back at square one, looking for someone like her.

Feeling her body next to mine makes me wish I didn’t need what I need. I tried to tell her that it’s OK if she never goes down the rabbit hole, but she knows that I need it, she can read me like a book.

On the way home from work tonight I had my IPhone on shuffle and this song popped up:

And So It Goes

Damn you Billy Joel.

How do you explain to someone that it’s OK for them to let themselves go when they know they want to but just can’t seem to bring themselves to it?

How do you help someone who’s scared what she might become if she goes down the rabbit hole?

Experiencing Chastity: My Hair-Brained Scheme

· January 2, 2008 · Thoughts · , , · 16 Comments

This post has had me thinking of another one of my curiosities.

I have always been curious about having a woman control my orgasms. It’s something I’m sure would intensify my feelings of submission and make me feel more owned. A chastity device would be a constant reminder of of my submission.

I don’t know how long I could last. I think initially I just like the idea of having myself saved for her pleasure only. She and I would still have sex but jerking off would be obviously out of the question.

It would require something more than a casual play partner though. Unless the person had me in it a day or two before a planned meeting, but that would make a cancelled date a horrible turn of events.

I’m incredibly curious about the subject and am dying to try it. I actually have an idea that might be “so crazy it just might work”.

Enter: The US Postal Service

Here’s my thought. Buy a chastity device and mail myself the key!

Brilliant right?

I could put it on Monday morning, mail myself the key and have it Tuesday or Wednesday. If I wanted to go longer I could mail it on a friday morning and not have it until after the weekend.

I know, I know. Three or for days isn’t that long compared to others who have experienced chastity. But we’re talking about me here. Technically I’d be topping myself and well…I’m not a good top so a few days is good enough.

A friend of mine did point out that I’d be screwed if the key were ever lost in the mail.

Funny to be screwed by a device that is meant to prevent any screwing at all.

Am I A Masochist?

· December 31, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , , , · 18 Comments

A vanilla friend of mine recently said “Hey if you want to get beaten up by women, just walk into a lesbian bar dressed as Rush Limbaugh.”

I’ve been with a few people who thought they were sadists, but when it came time to play they would just barely tap and maybe tap once or twice then look at me saying “Can you take that? Is that enough? Is it too much for you?”

Yes, I’ve faked it once. But the other times I’ve usually just said “more please”. There’s sometimes a look of sadness and disbelief when they realize I can take more pain than most.

Ok…that sounded like bragging.

I will say this, there’s tons of pain I’m not sure I could take at all. I’ve never been whipped for example, nor have I experienced CBT or a heavy flogging or..wow lots of stuff.

Here’s the other thing. I may not actually be a masochist at all.

Some define a masochist as someone who can take a lot of pain, others say its someone who can have an orgasm from it.

I’ll say, from my limited experience with caning, that I’m more of the former. But then again, I’ve never been caned by someone I was really into.

One of the hottest experiences in my life was when I was out on a date with someone, we were making out and she dug her fingernails deep into my side (so deep I had marks in my side for months and months afterwards). I was in heaven. She whispered in my ear “I love that you’re a pain-slut”. It wad one of the sexiest things anyone has ever said to me. Sadly that was as far as it went with her.

I do know that, when it comes to caning, I can usually take a lot of pain. I friggin’ love it. I love taking it for that person, feeling their power and….ok I guess I am getting turned on by it.

I also love the emotional release. I’ve only had one really really good beating and I ended up crying because of it (and because while in deep subspace I thought heard the voice of the woman I was desperate for at the time).

I will tell you one form of torture I can’t handle: Musical theater.

I’ve come up with a few possible craigslist headlines that may attract a sadist:

-Please beat the shit out of me

Nah too graphic

-Please make me hurt

Nope…she could just stand me up and do the trick

-Want to work out your frustrations?

No, sounds like every Casual Encounters post

-Is that a whip and flogger in your hand or are you just happy to see me?

Too cliche

-Beat me and you could win a free toaster!

Bingo that’s it! It appeals to every sadist and…who wouldn’t like a free toaster?

More Drunken Ramblings Of Too Much Honesty

· December 30, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 10 Comments

I’m writing this on the subway going from a ‘nilla party to a lifestyle gathering. I’ve had a number of beers and I feel it would be better if I get this out of my system now so I don’t end up rambling about it among my lifestyle friends:

I had a late lunch with a new friend who asked me if starting this blog was just another way for me to meet a dominant woman or not. Itold her the truth.

If I were writing this blog to meet a Domme I would make it sound less desperate. I would go out of my way to sound smart, funny, confidentand charming. I know how my desperation kills any attraction someone may have for me. Thats why I always need to (try) put on an act when I’m aroundsomeone I’m attracted to. If I were honest about my thoughts and feelings I would come across as desperate because…well..I am.

If you knew someone that packed up and moved to a big strange city for the sole purpose of trying to find a Domme would you think of that as desperate? Maybe….ok probably.

Some move to New York to get their big break. I moved here to find someone to find me broken and put me back together.

Note: its lines like that that I’ll regret posting this in the morning.

I have heard plenty of stories from my dominant friends about how annoyed they get when some “old creep” approaches them at a party andis so desperate to be with them that they get weirded out.

I can’t say that I approve of the way they approach a dominant, but I can sure empathize. After all, that can easily be me in a few years(or months). Honestly I think that the biggest difference between me an those “old creeps” is that my fear of rejection prevents me fromsaying or doing anything that would make me come across as anything but a nice guy. Someday my desperation may very well overwhelm myfear of rejection and I’ll show just how desperate I am and I’ll be just another creep.

So, am I desperate?

Yes

I’m slowly learning to hide it better though and hopefully my over-eagerness will not come through. It’s still hard though.

When I meet someone I’m eager to play with I’ll send far too many emails or text messages, sometimes several a day…or hour. If I were smart I would just play the same game that get’s played in the vanilla world. If you appear as though you have options you increase your perceived value.

In the world of BDSM, openness and honesty are key…unless you want to actually play with someone then you better not tell them how you actually feel.

May wrote this post that gave me a lot to think about. Damn I wish I could put into practice even half of his words of wisdom. He’s the only submissive male I know of in a relationship. Does his wisdom and confidence happen to all sub-males when they find someone? I hope someday I’ll know the answer to that question.

I’ve learned to focus my search for a Domme in three ways.

1: To find the occasional play partner who I can please physically andhopefully explore the many things I have yet to try.

2: To find a Domme that enjoys service so that I may scratch my morespiritual submissive needs.

3: To find a Domme for something long term who will be able to replacenumbers 1 and 2.

Obviously #3 is my highest priority but hey I’m only human.

So I’ll end this rant with this:

Yes I’m desperate, yes I’m needy, yes I know these are qualities that are hurting me more than helping but I’m trying to learn how to cover them up.

Ok, this is my stop. Time to put on a happy and less jaded face.

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