Dating

More Drunken Ramblings Of Too Much Honesty

· December 30, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 10 Comments

I’m writing this on the subway going from a ‘nilla party to a lifestyle gathering. I’ve had a number of beers and I feel it would be better if I get this out of my system now so I don’t end up rambling about it among my lifestyle friends:

I had a late lunch with a new friend who asked me if starting this blog was just another way for me to meet a dominant woman or not. Itold her the truth.

If I were writing this blog to meet a Domme I would make it sound less desperate. I would go out of my way to sound smart, funny, confidentand charming. I know how my desperation kills any attraction someone may have for me. Thats why I always need to (try) put on an act when I’m aroundsomeone I’m attracted to. If I were honest about my thoughts and feelings I would come across as desperate because…well..I am.

If you knew someone that packed up and moved to a big strange city for the sole purpose of trying to find a Domme would you think of that as desperate? Maybe….ok probably.

Some move to New York to get their big break. I moved here to find someone to find me broken and put me back together.

Note: its lines like that that I’ll regret posting this in the morning.

I have heard plenty of stories from my dominant friends about how annoyed they get when some “old creep” approaches them at a party andis so desperate to be with them that they get weirded out.

I can’t say that I approve of the way they approach a dominant, but I can sure empathize. After all, that can easily be me in a few years(or months). Honestly I think that the biggest difference between me an those “old creeps” is that my fear of rejection prevents me fromsaying or doing anything that would make me come across as anything but a nice guy. Someday my desperation may very well overwhelm myfear of rejection and I’ll show just how desperate I am and I’ll be just another creep.

So, am I desperate?

Yes

I’m slowly learning to hide it better though and hopefully my over-eagerness will not come through. It’s still hard though.

When I meet someone I’m eager to play with I’ll send far too many emails or text messages, sometimes several a day…or hour. If I were smart I would just play the same game that get’s played in the vanilla world. If you appear as though you have options you increase your perceived value.

In the world of BDSM, openness and honesty are key…unless you want to actually play with someone then you better not tell them how you actually feel.

May wrote this post that gave me a lot to think about. Damn I wish I could put into practice even half of his words of wisdom. He’s the only submissive male I know of in a relationship. Does his wisdom and confidence happen to all sub-males when they find someone? I hope someday I’ll know the answer to that question.

I’ve learned to focus my search for a Domme in three ways.

1: To find the occasional play partner who I can please physically andhopefully explore the many things I have yet to try.

2: To find a Domme that enjoys service so that I may scratch my morespiritual submissive needs.

3: To find a Domme for something long term who will be able to replacenumbers 1 and 2.

Obviously #3 is my highest priority but hey I’m only human.

So I’ll end this rant with this:

Yes I’m desperate, yes I’m needy, yes I know these are qualities that are hurting me more than helping but I’m trying to learn how to cover them up.

Ok, this is my stop. Time to put on a happy and less jaded face.

New Years House Cleaning

· December 28, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 7 Comments

I’m getting ready for the New Year!

I’m still debating on what I’ll be doing for New Years eve. A friend will be heading to BDSM event though not sure I want to shell out the cash for it. I’ve had a number of invitations for parties with some of my ‘nilla friends. I’ll probably end up flipping a coin.

Meanwhile I’ve been doing some New Years house cleaning in preparation for the next 12 months.

I do have a list of goals I’m going to set (one is to get a beating that I can still feel the day after) but my immediate goal is to remove some of the things that have caused me stress over this past year.

I’ve decided not to renew my Alt.com profile. It’s still there, I just won’t be sending any emails. Actually, now that I think of it. I’ll probably get the same number of emails I was getting when the profile was in gold status.

There’s one woman who I’ve been eager to serve, play, worship, do anything with. She knows this and has used it to torment me but not in a good way. She will text or call me, flirt with me just to get me to become eager to be with her, then I won’t hear from her for weeks. Then she’ll do it again, calling me expressing interest in doing something then she’ll cancel our plans the last minute. She’s been like this since I first met her in March. I know what she’s doing. Whenever she needs to feel wanted or desired she calls me. She constantly gets my hopes up only to cancel at the last minute. She’ll talk about wanting me to sleep at the foot of her bed chained and used just to get me excited. Then she’ll cancel hours before meeting. Over and over we’ve played this dance. She’s probably canceled close to a dozen times.

Two weeks ago I sent her a text after once such cancellation:

“Look, you know how badly I want to submit to you. You’ve said that you wanted me just as much as I wanted you. You have me if you want me but there’s nothing more I can do. It’s there to take if you want it, but it won’t be there forever.”

No reply

Today I got a text message from her asking what my plans were for the weekend.

I didn’t respond.

Cleaning house.

Powerless

· December 24, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , · 4 Comments

It’s very rare, but occasionally I’ll meet someone who I feel an instant “click” with. I’m not only physically attracted to them but also attracted to them in a psychological way as well.

It’s such a bitter-sweet feeling because it’s great to click with someone but horrible not knowing if the feeling is mutual or not. I need to take mind-reading lessons. I feel desperate to please them in some way. It’s such a powerless feeling to not know what someone wants from you, if anything at all. It’s so silly to have those feelings when you just met someone.

I could be talking to her about the weather and yet my mind will be racing, betraying me, saying other things:

“Yeah this weather is crazy isn’t it?

Is there ANYTHING I can do for you?

Please?

“Yeah I know, I wish we could have at least one day of sunlight soon”.

Please, just tell me what you want!

Tie me up, use me, rape me, let me worship you.

“Really? A low pressure system coming from the north? Wow, that’ll be quite the storm.”

Ugh, I’m dying to clean for you, anything that will require me to be on my knees

“No I really think this will pass, we should have decent weather by the weekend, great for going out in the park”

Would you like to lead me around by a leash or beat the crap out of me?

“Cool, hey it was great meeting you”

Can I please be your friend?

Please note, I’ve had a few beers while writing this and am feeling more powerless than normal.

Happy holidays!

Finding The Other 95% Of Dominant Women

· December 17, 2007 · Thoughts · , , , , · 5 Comments

This post by Ms Jones really struck home with me.

For those of you that aren’t familiar, the ratio of Dominant women to submissive men is…well way off. Some say it’s a 1/20. I say it’s 1/98239873498. At least it feels that way.

So how does one find that other 95%? Clearly we need to make the enviroment more comfortable for them so they don’t feel like freaks (or at least in a bad way). We need to sneak more things into our media showing healthy, smart, successful women in control and overpowering men…in a good way.

Ok I got a little turned on there.

Maybe I should run for office and make it a requirement that all women who get a little turned on from the thought of being dominant need to register with the DMV or something. That way you could just look at her drives license and see:

“Oh look you’re an organ donor and you enjoy service, protocols, heavy caning and oral worship”.

It would be so much easier. Then I could get a job as a bouncer and I’d meet plenty every night.

It’s so crazy it just might work.

Another friend pointed out that it’s much easier being a dominant man and gradually introducing BDSM in a relationship than a submissive man. He suggested that I try dominating a little in bed first and then see if she’s more interested in turning the tables on me.

While that may work in theory, I don’t think I could bring myself to do it.

Stood up

· November 24, 2007 · Thoughts · , , · 11 Comments

Today was not my best of days.

I had been emailing someone from Collarme for more than a month. We spoke on the phone, there seemed to be a conversational connection. She was attractive, smart, I could easily make her laugh and she was looking for more than just casual play but said at first the relationship would be purely service oriented along with some play and we’d see where it would go from there.

Service and play for an attractive, smart woman? I didn’t have to think too long on that one.

After waiting for a month, playing phone tag and text tag she finally agreed to meet me. She wanted to meet at a coffee shop near Penn station, told me to wear a black shirt and the tightest jeans I could find. Naturally I did.

We were to meet at 1 o’clock and she told me not to make any plans for the rest of the day (sounds promising). She told me to arrive early (I did not need to be told this) as she claimed to always be on time.

I arrived at 12:45, sat in a booth and nervously drank my tea.

1pm came and went and around 1:25 I checked her email again making sure I had the right time and place. Then I checked it again. I then checked to make sure there wasn’t another coffee shop nearby. Maybe I sat in the wrong coffee shop?

1:30- I sent her a text with no reply

1:45- I call her and get voicemail. The waiter asks me for the fifth time if I’m going to order something other than tea. He’s very annoyed.

1:55- I lie to myself and say that she’s not late, she was probably just in the midwest on business and still has her watch set to central time and will be here any minute.

2:05: I use my trusty Iphone to write a Craigslist ad looking for a Domme in the “relationship section” even though I’ve written countless ads like this and haven’t received a single email. Maybe I’m writing them too sincerely, sounding too romantic or perhaps not romantic enough. Maybe I should make more than one reference to BDSM.

2:15: I say “fuck it” and write a Craigslist ad in the “casual encounters” section, again knowing I won’t get a single reply but at least I’m doing something.

2:25: I leave and go home, when I check, her craigslist profile is gone and of course I’m not getting any response from texts or emails.

I wish I could finish this with some hot story on how she was waiting for me when I got home but I wouldn’t be writing this now if that had happened would I?

I wish I could say this was the first time it happened.

My Saturday night?

Well since I was told not to make any plans for the evening I’m sitting here eating thanksgiving leftovers.

Tomorrow I’m meeting a few vanilla friends for a belated thanksgiving dinner.

Vanilla friends.

Maybe some of that vanilla will rub off on me and I won’t have to put up with this any longer.

Well….a boy can dream can’t he?

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