Dominant Triggers

A while ago I wrote about some of my physical submissive triggers.

Of course these triggers don’t mean a thing if a woman doesn’t want to dominate me in the first place.

Debauchette recently wrote about someone she knows who brings out the dominance in women.

“Andrew had the tendancey to bring out the dominant side in women. He certainly brings out all of my own dominant impulses”.

I suppose this makes sense. There are qualities a woman can have that make me want to submit to her, make it impossible for me not to want to please her.

This begs (and I do mean begs) the question: What aspects of a guy make you want to tear into him?

I know a number of women who are attracted to very vanilla guys, the thought of corrupting them turns them on. Others like to dominate aggressive guys in order to put them in their place. Both of those examples are the opposite of who I am.

It would be nice if a potentially dominant woman had a road sign on her head so I could know how to navigate to bring that out of her.

“OK, if I take a right turn at being aloof and a left at being cocky you’ll want to fuck me until we pass out, BUT if I head south on shy avenue you’ll want to do that and fuck me with a strap-on after whipping me to tears.”

So what does it for you? What brings out your dominance?

Someone Shy? Coy? Eager To Please? An alpha male you want to put in his place?

Super Fuck-Off Shield

The Super Fuck-Off Shield

That’s what one dominant woman I know calls it.

It’s the look she gives guys when she wants the creepy ones to stay away from her when she’s at a kink event. She admits that it probably keeps the non creepy ones away as well.

I have one friend who has perfected the Super Fuck-Off Shield so well that she can make a guy turn around as he’s approaching her with one look.

The strange thing is, I’ve seen women put up the shield and then later hear them complain that there aren’t any good submissive men to play with.

So how does one convey interest to play without projecting the creep factor?

A dominant friend posed this question recently and she didn’t know the answer. It’s one of those you-know-it-when-you-see-it kinda things.

When I first moved to New York I was horrible at approaching dominant women at kink events. I’d walk up to someone, introduce myself, offer to buy them a drink and when I brought it to them it was like I wasn’t even there. They’d take the drink and move on.

I was apparently creeping them out.

I never made the mistake of doing what some guys do and just walk up to a woman and ask if I can worship her feet or if she wanted to play with me. I knew that part was creepy.

After a few drink-and-disappear situations, I decided it was best to just not approach at all. After all, not approaching gives me the same result as approaching and I get to save my beer money if I don’t approach.

Economics wins again!

There have been times when I’ve stumbled into a conversation or two and I always wonder how to broach the subject of playing but never did.

I thing it would always come out sounding like this:

“Yeah I know, that sub-prime mortgage thing is messed up. So do you want to beat me or something?”


“Soooooo…yeah…..umm… is there anything you’d like to do…to me??? Or…on me?”


“Hmm you know what? I’ll bet you a dollar you can’t beat me until I’m a puddle on the floor. C’mon, put you money where your mouth is. I probably have 45 cents in my pocket right now that says you can’t.”

Either way I sound like a tool.

I know the trick to getting vanilla women. Vanilla women are easy, just act like you have options or that you could care less and that’s pretty much it. It makes me sound like a total ass I know. I only learned this after I gave up dating vanilla women and trying to introduce them to the joys of a submissive guy. As soon as I gave up and stopped caring, they started showing interest.

It doesn’t work that way with dominant women at kink events.

Probably because they have options and could care less.

Guess What? That Exotic Dancer Want’s Money

She was one of the few people I actually met from

I sent her an email months earlier. She confessed that she only replied out of boredom and that I looked better than most guys who replied to her ad.

I could have told you that it wouldn’t have worked out before we even met. It was one word that tipped it off to me: SUCCESSFUL

I do consider myself successful. Granted, my definition isn’t the same as women who write ads on

Why do I consider myself successful? Well, I have a job, lots of friends I love and they love me. What else is there right?

I know I know. I’m kinda lying to myself on this one.

Anyway, we met downtown at a restaurant she picked. Not an expensive place (the true litmus test for someone only looking for a guy with money) and not a place one would consider a woman would test to see if the guy flinched at the bill or not.

She asked what I did for a living, she was interested in my previous career and mentioned how she was an exotic dancer putting herself through college. I didn’t flinch and she seemed relieved that I had no problems with it.

We talked, she seemed nice. She confessed that she was looking to move in with a submissive man in the city (she lived in Jersey) and was visibly upset when she learned I lived in Harlem.

Obviously my idea of success wasn’t hers.

She thanked me for lunch, mentioned that she needed to go and hoped we would meet again soon.

Two days later I sent her a text asking if she wanted to meet for drinks and she sent back something along the lines of:

“You’re attractive, smart, sincere and eager to please. I want someone attractive, smart, sincere, eager to please and can take care of me financially.”

In hindsight, it’s one of the nicest ways has let me down.

The fact that she was an erotic dancer has nothing to do with the story really, I’ve seen the “successful” line from more women who weren’t exotic dancers than those who are.

Now that I think of it. Did I lead her on? Am I the one to blame here because I had a feeling she wanted a guy with money and still I replied to her ad?

Some Parts Controlled

Well here’s some good news.

I’ve been spending more time with…hmmm what do I call her? It’ll come to me.

She really seems to enjoy exploring her dominance, it’s always been a part of her but she hasn’t been able to openly control and manipulate someone before. She does admit that she’s not as driven to explore her dominance as much as I am driven by my desire to submit.

We’ve talked at great lengths about D/s, the scene and what we’re looking for. She doesn’t know what she’s looking for right now and I can understand that. We both know that, no matter what, we both want to remain friends.

She has decided she wants to “own my cock”. It’s hers right now. I must always text her if I want to cum while I’m alone and of course she has full use of it whenever she wants. The rest of me, well, it’s still mine.

It feels amazing to have someone want control over even part of me. It’s also made me realize how..umm…active I am in that area.

I know she’s still dating other people. We haven’t defined if we’re dating, hanging out, really good friends with benefits or what it is but when we’re together it’s amazing and passionate and all that good stuff.

She often comments on how she’s not sure if this is right for her. I’m trying to not push the issue. While I see her as a natural dominant, I know it doesn’t matter what I think. Maybe I’m just a fun diversion for her, for now and that’s ok.

She’s amazing and I’m lucky.

Sometimes after worshiping her body she’ll say that I need to give my “gift” of oral to as many women as possible. I sometimes want to answer back “believe me I’m trying”.

So for now, I’m having fun. I’m still providing service to others but I’m not spending every waking minute thinking about how I can meet a Domme. That’s a big change for me. I’m trying to just live in the moment and enjoy the time we do spend together.

She does own one part of me for now, it feels amazingly erotic and I love the feeling of control.

It’s made me start to think why I enjoy that feeling of control so much. I mean, I know I’ve wanted it but haven’t experienced it in this way before. Why is that? Why does it turn me on so much to know she needs to give the OK first?

Still, even though it turns me on, I do feel nervous and scared. I don’t know why.

Over Before It Starts?

I told you before that I met someone.

It didn’t end there.

After that initial encounter I didn’t think I’d hear from her again. I had opened up totally and almost cried in front of her when she asked about my frustrations of finding someone like her. For some crazy reason she was interested in getting to know me and very recently we have been spending more time together. I make her laugh and the passion between us is amazing.


Yes there’s a but.

But she’s not sure if she can go down this path. She calls me the “rabbit hole” because she’s worried once she goes to BDSM she won’t want to go back again. A close friend suggested that I explain it as though it were a menu. It’s not that you can’t enjoy the things you enjoyed before, you’ll just have more things to choose from. More options.

She’s enjoyed being dominant with vanilla men but being dominant with them means something very different than being dominant with me. WIth a ‘nilla man the bar is much lower than it is with me. WIth me she has almost endless options.

She’s a sadist, I can tell, I can feel it. I know it and so does she, but it’s a part of her she’s never addressed because she’s never been with someone like me before, someone who needs her to not hold back. She’s said she doesn’t feel comfortable yet and may never feel comfortable with that part of herself. She knows she wants to and daydreams about it, but can’t bring herself to it. She’s not scared of me, she’s scared of herself.

A few nights ago we were walking around and she told me about some of the guys she’s been with. She’s been proposed to by many and said yes to none. As we were talking about it I could almost see how this would end. I put it out of my mind.

I’ve introduced her to many of my closest friends, I’ve never done that before. Last night she met one of my best friends, my dear ‘nilla friend who knows all about me. Seeing them talking and laughing made me adore her even more. I want to introduce her to my Domme friend, so she can see that you can be dominant, sadistic and still “normal”.

Thankfully she’s being honest. She’s told me that she may never be able to go down that rabbit hole. We both agree that we want to be something to one another, but that something will probably be friends.

I know I should just enjoy the time she and I have and not worry about it. Maybe I’ve been hurt so many times that I naturally expect it will end with me back at square one, looking for someone like her.

Feeling her body next to mine makes me wish I didn’t need what I need. I tried to tell her that it’s OK if she never goes down the rabbit hole, but she knows that I need it, she can read me like a book.

On the way home from work tonight I had my IPhone on shuffle and this song popped up:

And So It Goes

Damn you Billy Joel.

How do you explain to someone that it’s OK for them to let themselves go when they know they want to but just can’t seem to bring themselves to it?

How do you help someone who’s scared what she might become if she goes down the rabbit hole?