BDSM

Fuckless Fucking

Almost all of my experiences in BDSM have been non-sexual. That is to say, most of my experiences have been play that didn’t include penetrative sex.   

Up until a few years ago I never would have thought that any kind of play without intercourse would have been worthwhile. Back then I always felt it was something that was supposed to go hand in hand with sex. First the spanking, then the bondage, teasing and then the fucking. It was more of a kind of foreplay in my mind more than something that could be appreciated alone.

Then I moved to New York.

It was difficult to make the transition at first. The only people I’d play with would be those I also wanted to sleep with. That made me feel a little rejected at first. After all, I was playing with them because I was attracted to them, weren’t they attracted to me too? Wasn’t that the reason why they wanted to play with me?   

Over time I began to get used to the feeling of playing for the sake of playing. I could enjoy getting tied up or whipped and just enjoy it for what it was: Fun!

Sure I still have difficulty in reading some people at first. I’ll still sometimes have a barrage of questions running through my brain:

“Is she doing this because I’m fun to play with or because she’s attracted to me?”   

“Is she saying she want’s to do more than just tie me up?”

Most of the people I happen to have these mini-scenes with are those I’m already friends with. It’s much easier to let my mind go and enjoy the bondage, the flogging or whatever wonderful thing she’s putting me through. There’s something nice about just letting go and not needing to wonder about what comes next when I know that there is nothing next. I can just sink in and enjoy the experience.

It’s difficult do describe since there is a feeling of sexual tension and intimacy involved.  Especially when it’s with someone I know and like. There’s a closeness that comes from it. It’s unspoken but it’s there.

I like to think these experiences have helped me become a better submissive (Hmm Let me rephrase). I hope these experiences have helped me become a better submissive to someone I have a chance of having sex with. Most of the time I can just focus on the moment and not be caught up on wanting to rush to the sex.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’m still thinking with my cock, but my cock is just more patient now.

Kinda.

I Love/Hate Pain

I love getting hurt…I hate seeing others getting hurt.

If I’m at a play party and someone is experiencing some really intense pain, I almost always need to look away.

Obviously I know that the “victim” is probably enjoying themselves, and I can see how it can be incredibly hot. I just have a difficult time seeing someone else in pain.

Maybe it’s 90% pacifism and 10% “I wish that were me”.

Even as a young boy, if my little brother was going to get punished for something, I’d try to take the blame for it. Seeing him getting the belt or a spanking was much harder for me than getting the same treatment myself.

I have the same reaction when someone else is being humiliated. I feel bad for them, want to make it stop and just want to protect them.

My ability to accept it and watch or not be bothered on it changes depending on my mood, the situation and who is on the receiving end at the time. If it’s someone I know, then I feel very protective of them and have to keep myself from saying something.

So is it pacifism? Empathy? Jealousy?

Is it rare that a masochist feels uncomfortable seeing others get the treatment he’s dying for?

Powerless

It’s very rare, but occasionally I’ll meet someone who I feel an instant “click” with. I’m not only physically attracted to them but also attracted to them in a psychological way as well.

It’s such a bitter-sweet feeling because it’s great to click with someone but horrible not knowing if the feeling is mutual or not. I need to take mind-reading lessons. I feel desperate to please them in some way. It’s such a powerless feeling to not know what someone wants from you, if anything at all. It’s so silly to have those feelings when you just met someone.

I could be talking to her about the weather and yet my mind will be racing, betraying me, saying other things:

“Yeah this weather is crazy isn’t it?

Is there ANYTHING I can do for you?

Please?

“Yeah I know, I wish we could have at least one day of sunlight soon”.

Please, just tell me what you want!

Tie me up, use me, rape me, let me worship you.

“Really? A low pressure system coming from the north? Wow, that’ll be quite the storm.”

Ugh, I’m dying to clean for you, anything that will require me to be on my knees

“No I really think this will pass, we should have decent weather by the weekend, great for going out in the park”

Would you like to lead me around by a leash or beat the crap out of me?

“Cool, hey it was great meeting you”

Can I please be your friend?

Please note, I’ve had a few beers while writing this and am feeling more powerless than normal.

Happy holidays!

I’m TOO submissive

I have been a paying member on Nerve for almost two years. I’ve been on alt and collarme for….well for ages.

I joined Nerve because a Domme friend suggested it.

“You’ll probably find more non-pros on Nerve and more people open to relationships, women are fairly honest and open about what they’re looking for on Nerve.”

I had changed my profile a number of times. At first I merely hinted at being submissive, had tons of “winks” and emails but none from any that were actually dominant or even open to it. I sent countless emails, went on so many dates that it makes my head spin, but didn’t meet a single woman even open to being dominant.

Now my profile is much more blunt, I come right out and explain that I’m only interested in women who are at least curious about BDSM. Now I only get emails asking “what’s BDSM?” and the winks have gone down as well. Two years and not one Domme.

Until this week.

She emailed me asking how “a sweet boy from the midwest became interested in BDSM”. We emailed a few times and she almost demanded that we meet. We met the day after our first email.

I arrived at the bar and spotted her instantly and she smiled at me from across the room. She was even more beautiful than her profile photos.

We talked, she laughed almost the entire time. I was in my element. I was on! I was charming, funny and was hitting this one out of the park.

Then she said something that I had heard before, something that made my stomach hurt the second I heard it. I almost excused myself to use the bathroom because I could feel my eyes getting a little watery.

“I’ve never been with a truly submissive man before.”

She didn’t say it as though it was something she was interested in doing she just said it as a fact. I knew exactly what she meant when she said it.

She’s an Angelina Jolie type:

She’s an incredibly beautiful, powerful and devastatingly smart dominant woman. She can get ANY guy to submit to her. She’s never even heard of Collarme and has only gone to Alt for a good laugh, never to browse or look for a submissive man. She doesn’t need to go there.

She enjoys making a man do something he wouldn’t normally do, she loves the challenge. With me, there’s no challenge, she knows I’ll eagerly submit to her desires and because of that I’m no use to her. She made several comments about how there’s nothing hotter than making a man submit who normally wouldn’t.

There I was sitting across from every submissive man’s dream, she was the reason I moved to New York and yet I’d have a better chance with her if she didn’t know I was submissive. I’d have a better chance if she thought I didn’t want to do everything she enjoyed.

She asked all the normal questions the Angelina Jolie type will ask:

-You’ve been looking for almost all your life and you’ve never had a D/s relationship? Why? How’s that possible?

-I would think most women would want a boy like you. You’re attractive, smart, funny and want nothing more than to please a dominant woman.

-Have you tried CraigsList?

-Have you tried meeting a vanilla woman and then telling her after she’s fallen in love with you? If a woman loved you she’s give you whatever you want.

-Are you too picky?

We had fun and she want’s to be friends.

I have a few friends like her:

I’ll get to hear all of the dirty details about how she gets vanilla men to submit to her in ways they never thought they would. I’ll console her and give her advice when she’s having problems “training” her vanilla boyfriend. She will constantly be amazed when she hears my stories about trying to find a woman like her and she will try to console me even though she has no frame of reference. She will make the occasional joke about dominating me but never will. I will ache for her every time I see her.

Oh well, maybe she has a sister.

I’m taking my Nerve profile down once it expires next month.

Black Rose!!!

I’m very excited and a cautiously optimistic about this weekend.

A friend and I will be heading to DC to attend Black Rose. A big-ass BDSM hoop-de-doo.

Tons of classes, lectures and a massive dungeon in one hotel.

I’m cautiously optimistic because I’ve been to similar events and have found the experience to be…ok.

I’ve decided not to go with any expectations of meeting anyone for anything other than friendship.

Here’s my problem. I can’t play with just anyone.

Yeah, I wish I was a total man-whore who could be with anyone who called themselves a dominant, but for me there has to be something there even for casual play. Usually at these events I’ll get an offer from at least one person to play, with whom I’m not interested in at all. I thank them for the opportunity, say that I’m flattered but that I’ll have to pass.

I always feel bad doing that. I know it takes a lot of guts to tell someone you’d like to play with them only to get rejected. After all, I don’t have the guts to do it that’s why I never ask if I can play.

I do have a number of hopes though:

-I hope I meet some new and interesting people, coming away from the event feeling like I made some friends out of the trip.

-I hope to learn a thing or two at one of the events.

-I hope I don’t get a speeding ticket on the way there due to being extremely eager.

Oh yeah…

-I hope I meet a sadist who can at least come close to pushing me.

A boy can dream can’t he?

Now I need to decide between the black t-shirt with leather pants, or the latex t-shirt with black jeans.

Any help?