It was our third date.
She and I had really enjoyed out time together, had many of the same interests, both liked to talk politics, shared the same sense of humor and were mutually attracted to one another.
We had fooled around a bit on our second date. I had felt a hint of dominance from her by the way she aggressively kissed.
Over dinner our conversation turned to sex (thank you Belgian beer) and I thought it might be a good time to bring up my interest in BDSM (no thanks to the Belgian beer).
Me: I must admit, I’m probably kinkier than the average guy
Her: Really? I’m probably kinkier than the average girl too.
Me: Well, it’s nice to meet someone who’s “normal” and yet not vanilla.
Her: Oh I’m NOT vanilla.
Me: Really?
Her: NOT vanilla.
Me: How long have you been into BDSM?
Her: What’s BDSM?
Me: Ummmmm Bondage Domination Sado Masochism
Her: (long pause) Ok maybe I am vanilla.
Me: Well, many people have misconceptions about BDSM. It’s not all about kinky sex.
Her: It’s not?
Me: Not at all. Well, it really depends on the person. I also enjoy serving a woman outside of the bedroom.
Her: Serving?
I went on to explain but I could tell it was over before it even began. It was difficult for her to understand why someone would enjoy pleasing someone just for the sake of pleasing. I think the idea of cleaning and cooking for someone freaked her out more than the ideas of chains and whips.
I’ve never had problems meeting vanilla women who were interested in dating me. It’s a matter of finding one who’s secretly (or openly) dominant that’s the hard part. Everyone I know admits that it’s probably not going to work.
After all, it’s much easier for a dominant guy to introduce BDSM to a vanilla woman than a submissive man to do the same. A Dom can just slowly work it into play. A light spank, maybe some hair puling. What can a sub do? In the throws of passion ask her to beat the crap out of him?
Maybe it’s a bad idea to bring it up within the first few dates but I have neither the time nor the money to spend on someone who’s at least not open to it.
Still, the last thing I want to do is invest time, money and emotions into a relationship that won’t go anywhere. I suppose the question is: What’s the earliest way someone can bring up BDSM without freaking the person out? What’s the best way to bring it up?
Then again, maybe giving up BDSM for someone I love would be the ultimate form of submission.