Thoughts

Fighting The Dominatrix Stereotype

One of my best friends said something to me that made me even more frustrated with the stereotype of a dominant woman. We were talking about how she was coping with her relationship with her submissive coming to an end. She was understandably upset about it and was questioning herself and her desire to be in a D/s relationship. When acknowledged her disappointment and sadness she said “It’s not very Domme-like is it?”

I tried to explain to her that just because she’s dominant, doesn’t mean she won’t second guess or feel down like everyone else. She’s human after all. She an incredibly powerful, smart woman and an amazing Domme, but even superman has kryptonite.

This may be one reason why so many women don’t feel comfortable showing their dominant side. They believe that they need to fit into some mold of a Dominatrix, always confident, always sexual and always “acting” dominant.

Here are just a few reasons why some dominants have told me they sometimes feel less of a Domme.

1: She didn’t feel comfortable yelling at a man.

I’ve played with a decent number (yet still far too small) of dominant women and I can’t remember being yelled at once. The only time I’ve ever seen a Domme yell is in BDSM movies. A whisper is more powerful than a yell in my book.

2: She didn’t want to have to be the one who does all of the work when it comes to sex.

I’ll grant you that when it comes to some forms of play, the submissive does do less “work” (nice work if you can get it), but when it comes to actual sex, I find that I’m the one that is encouraged to be a human fucking machine, not her.

3: She didn’t like to cause a great deal of pain.

As someone who identifies as a masochist, I can say that, while I enjoy being ripped apart, beaten and left as a shivering puddle of flesh on the floor (ok that hasn’t happened yet but fingers crossed for someday) it’s 1/10000th of the possibilities out there. Just because she wasn’t a sadist doesn’t mean she wasn’t a good dominant.

4: She wanted a man for a boyfriend, not a doormat.

This comes down to the submissive and how their submission manifests itself, some may be prone to acting like a doormat. Mine gives me strength. I feel more powerful when I know I’ve pleased either through service or sexually. If I’ve made her cum a record number of times using only my mouth and sacrificed (sacrificed isn’t the best word, but I’m kinda sleepy as I write this) my own pleasure for hers, I feel taken, used and…more masculine. The same goes for the rare occasion I get a really heavy beating, I feel stronger knowing I could take it for her.

5: She just felt like cuddling.

I’m a cuddle whore…give me your best shot….please.

6. She felt uncomfortable humiliating a man.

I’m at a loss on this one. I’ve never been humiliated in the context of play (plenty of times when falling for some phony on collarme or alt however) and haven’t felt the need to explore it nor have I ever been with anyone who enjoyed it.

7: She had a hard day and needed a good cry.

Again, the idea that a dominant woman is impervious to feeling blue is insane. I’ve tried to talk friends through this feeling in the past and it’s a difficult one to combat since it battles some crazy caricature.

I still don’t have a good logical explanation for it. For me it’s obvious but I lack a good way to comfort someone in this situation.

How do you explain to a dominant that just because she may have been tricked by a submissive or had her heart broken by one, it doesn’t make her less of a good dominant?

Sugasm #110

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Sex Worker Solidarity: Audacia Ray
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So Many Men, So Few Sluts
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This Time
“She had That Look, and despite my earlier fatigue, I knew what was coming.”

Mr. Sugasm Himself
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Editor’s Choice
Love in an Elevator

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See also: Fleshbot’s Sex Blog Roundup each Tuesday and Friday.

Sex Advice
The Everything Guide To Bras
Giving a woman a pedicure
Sex Tips for “Married Old Guys” – How to Keep Your Sex Life Hot, Even Without Erections!
Ten Things I’ve Learned abut Sex #3: Leave Your Clothing on a Pile

Thoughts on Sex and Relationships
Different Level of Consciousness
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Jodie Foster, a lesbian
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Unwanted sexual experiences from a new angle; Men have needs too!
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My First Erotic Awakening Massage
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Interview with Greta Christina about hiring a professional submissive
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Erotic Writing and Experiences
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The Kiss: All Through The Night.
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Sex Humor
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Condom Use

Finding The Other 95% Of Dominant Women

This post by Ms Jones really struck home with me.

For those of you that aren’t familiar, the ratio of Dominant women to submissive men is…well way off. Some say it’s a 1/20. I say it’s 1/98239873498. At least it feels that way.

So how does one find that other 95%? Clearly we need to make the enviroment more comfortable for them so they don’t feel like freaks (or at least in a bad way). We need to sneak more things into our media showing healthy, smart, successful women in control and overpowering men…in a good way.

Ok I got a little turned on there.

Maybe I should run for office and make it a requirement that all women who get a little turned on from the thought of being dominant need to register with the DMV or something. That way you could just look at her drives license and see:

“Oh look you’re an organ donor and you enjoy service, protocols, heavy caning and oral worship”.

It would be so much easier. Then I could get a job as a bouncer and I’d meet plenty every night.

It’s so crazy it just might work.

Another friend pointed out that it’s much easier being a dominant man and gradually introducing BDSM in a relationship than a submissive man. He suggested that I try dominating a little in bed first and then see if she’s more interested in turning the tables on me.

While that may work in theory, I don’t think I could bring myself to do it.

Ownership

I have been active in the lifestyle for almost ten years now (though it’s difficult to be active when living in the midwest, hence the reason I moved to NYC two years ago). I’ve been interested in one aspect or another of BDSM for as long as I can remember. While there are many things I’ve tried, there are many more I haven’t. Some are things I would only be able to do within the context of a relationship.

While talking to a fellow sub recently, she posed a thought that I had never crossed my mind.

What if I have some false ideas about what a D/s relationship would be like. What if I wouldn’t enjoy it? What if I am meant to only enjoy casual play and anything longer than a few hours would be too much for me?

Then she brought up another idea….a hair-brained scheme of sorts. One of those “It’s so crazy, it just might work” ideas.

The idea? A full weekend of slavery.

“What if you could spend a whole weekend as an owned submissive? Sure it wouldn’t be anything like a real relationship, but at least you’d have a better feel for what it would be like, you’d at least get a taste so you could find out if you’re on the right path or not.”

I had never questioned if I was on the right path or not, it just felt right. But she did have a point, one that I couldn’t imagine being true, but she still had a point.

A full weekend of knowing what it was like to be under someone’s total control. Of course it wouldn’t be two straight days of play, it would probably be more like a relationship. There may be some play but there would be a lot of down time, perhaps I could do chores/service. Who knows what it would be like.

If it’s hard to find someone for casual play that I’m into and impossible to find someone for a relationship. Finding someone for something in the middle would be difficult.

“You could go to a pro for a weekend” she said.

“Yeah great, I’ll just save every penny for 3 years and let you know how that turns out”.

A few things have come to mind when I contemplate doing this.

-I would have to be willing to travel anywhere in the country to find someone up for this.

-It would have to be someone I totally trusted, spend even more time getting to know them than I would for casual play.

-It would have to be someone who was prepared for my emotional reaction when the weekend came to an end. I have a feeling I would get very emotional after finally having a taste, a very small hint of what I’m looking for and then having that come to an end.

-It would be nice to find someone who actually has some experience in a D/s relationship, someone who knew what the reality was like, or at least someone who had a good idea of what they wanted in the context of a D/s relationship.

-It would have to be someone who wanted to experience it as much as I did.

“That’s a pretty tall order,” my friend blurted.

As we were leaving the diner, she handed me 50 cent’s.

“What’s this for?”

“You might as well start saving for the pro-domme weekend now”.

“Smartass”

One Hell Of First Date

Not all of my experiences have been bad. I’ve been very lucky when it comes to the friendships I’ve made through the lifestyle since moving to New York.

How I met one of my best friends:

We had met at a lifestyle event ….

—–Side note: Ok wait. She may remember this very differently than I do, the basics are the same and I’m sure she may take the opportunity to correct them if I do make any mistakes. Where was I?? Oh yeah

We had met at a lifestyle event, she was on a date and I was there with a close friend. I casually started talking to her and her date thinking “Sure, she’s on a date, but she’s insanely hot and may have some other insanely hot friends.” We chatted for a bit here and there and eventually parted ways.

Close to the end of the evening, she walked up to me and out of the blue gave me her email.

I tried to act casual and said “sure”, but had I been honest I would have said, “Sure, if you’ll excuse me first because I just shat my pants out of shock”.

We emailed, talked and made plans for a first date. A first date that involved going to a private play-party (her idea). She insisted that that would not nessecarily mean we would play but I couldn’t help but get my hopes up.

We met at a bar before going to dinner and immediately I noticed her tight fitting clothes and the enormous black bag she was carrying with her. I offered to carry it and could tell that the contents included something, not just any something…SOMETHING.

Dinner was nice, she was a great conversationalist, very attractive and really got my humor. Well, as much as anyone can get my humor.

Afterwards we headed to the play-party. It was a play-party I had been to a number of times in hopes to meet someone but never did, It was one of those play-parties where the only Dommes that show up are those who are with someone. You know, like all play-parties. This time, I was the sub there with the unapproachably stunning Domme.

My date and I visited with the hostess and host, chatted up a few people and I had the vibe that we would not be playing, she just seemed so casual like it was the furthest thing from her mind.

Out of the blue my date stood up, grabbed her big black bag and motioned me to the center of the play area next to a big couch.

As she opened up the bag and removed its contents, I was shaking with excitement and a little bit of nervousness. I asked her if she wanted me to get undressed (wishful thinking) but she declined.

She started by putting me in a thick leather straightjacket. I could feel her confidence and how happy she was in this task and I couldn’t take my eyes off of her.

A big smile went across her face and she said “I can feel you”.

“What?”

“I can feel you”.

“What do you mean?”

“I can feel you” she said with an even bigger smile.

—-Side note: I know I’ve asked her what she meant by this a number of times and I don’t think I’ve ever had a straight answer.

After the straightjacket, she tied my ankles together, legs and put me in a full body bag followed by a full hood over my head as the room went black.

It was the only time I had experienced anything like this.

She moved me so I was laying across the couch and then sat on me. Asking me if I was doing ok from time to time but other than that, staying pretty quiet.

I was “the couch”, she would introduce people to me that way and I felt a number of (I hope) female bottoms sitting on me from time to time to visit with her. It was the only time I have ever been treated like, literally, an object. It felt good coming from her.

Now and then she would lean in and whisper to me all that I was missing. She told me about all of the steamy play and sex that was going on and if only I could see it.

She lifted up the mask just enough to play with my mouth, sliding a finger in my mouth letting me suck on it. I think she could tell that I had a huge oral fixation. After a few minutes (or hours, who knows) she leaned in and asked me:

“Do you want to taste some pussy?”

“Yes please, Is it yours?”

“No”, she answered.

I had no idea how to answer this. I had never done anything like that. Why couldn’t I taste hers? But I was desperate to have my mouth do what I enjoy most.

“Ok”, or maybe I said “Yesssss pleeeeeeeeeeaaasseeee”.

Just a few seconds later I felt someone sitting on my face and I went to work. I channeled all of my bodies energy into my mouth and tongue. I didn’t have the best vantage point but I managed to suck her clit into my mouth while flicking it with my tongue. A move one woman years ago called my “finishing move” (She probably played too much Mortal Combat while having sex).

I completed my task and remained in that position for a long time until she took me out of the bag, took off the straightjacket and mask. Then we cuddled for a bit.

I asked her who the woman was that sat on my face and she said something like “do you really want to know?”

I didn’t want to know but it was pretty obvious as we were leaving and saying goodbye to everyone when one young woman realized I was “the couch” and gave me a big cheery hug.

We went on a few more dates. The dating part didn’t last but our friendship grew.

She’s one of my best friends now and I can’t imagine not having her in my life. I totally adore her and love her. She’s helped me cope with disappointments of my search and given me advice, I’ve helped her with things too. I can tell her jokes I know no one else will get (or tolerate). She’s one of those people that just make you comfortable to be around.

I sometimes think how strangely and wonderfully our friendship started. It makes me smile and knowing where we are now makes me smile even more. If I never meet “the one” but continue to meet people like her, I’ll still be one lucky SOB.

Note: I asked for her permission to write this. I’m sure she’ll make any corrections in the comments section.