More Drunken Ramblings Of Too Much Honesty

I’m writing this on the subway going from a ‘nilla party to a lifestyle gathering. I’ve had a number of beers and I feel it would be better if I get this out of my system now so I don’t end up rambling about it among my lifestyle friends:

I had a late lunch with a new friend who asked me if starting this blog was just another way for me to meet a dominant woman or not. Itold her the truth.

If I were writing this blog to meet a Domme I would make it sound less desperate. I would go out of my way to sound smart, funny, confidentand charming. I know how my desperation kills any attraction someone may have for me. Thats why I always need to (try) put on an act when I’m aroundsomeone I’m attracted to. If I were honest about my thoughts and feelings I would come across as desperate because…well..I am.

If you knew someone that packed up and moved to a big strange city for the sole purpose of trying to find a Domme would you think of that as desperate? Maybe….ok probably.

Some move to New York to get their big break. I moved here to find someone to find me broken and put me back together.

Note: its lines like that that I’ll regret posting this in the morning.

I have heard plenty of stories from my dominant friends about how annoyed they get when some “old creep” approaches them at a party andis so desperate to be with them that they get weirded out.

I can’t say that I approve of the way they approach a dominant, but I can sure empathize. After all, that can easily be me in a few years(or months). Honestly I think that the biggest difference between me an those “old creeps” is that my fear of rejection prevents me fromsaying or doing anything that would make me come across as anything but a nice guy. Someday my desperation may very well overwhelm myfear of rejection and I’ll show just how desperate I am and I’ll be just another creep.

So, am I desperate?


I’m slowly learning to hide it better though and hopefully my over-eagerness will not come through. It’s still hard though.

When I meet someone I’m eager to play with I’ll send far too many emails or text messages, sometimes several a day…or hour. If I were smart I would just play the same game that get’s played in the vanilla world. If you appear as though you have options you increase your perceived value.

In the world of BDSM, openness and honesty are key…unless you want to actually play with someone then you better not tell them how you actually feel.

May wrote this post that gave me a lot to think about. Damn I wish I could put into practice even half of his words of wisdom. He’s the only submissive male I know of in a relationship. Does his wisdom and confidence happen to all sub-males when they find someone? I hope someday I’ll know the answer to that question.

I’ve learned to focus my search for a Domme in three ways.

1: To find the occasional play partner who I can please physically andhopefully explore the many things I have yet to try.

2: To find a Domme that enjoys service so that I may scratch my morespiritual submissive needs.

3: To find a Domme for something long term who will be able to replacenumbers 1 and 2.

Obviously #3 is my highest priority but hey I’m only human.

So I’ll end this rant with this:

Yes I’m desperate, yes I’m needy, yes I know these are qualities that are hurting me more than helping but I’m trying to learn how to cover them up.

Ok, this is my stop. Time to put on a happy and less jaded face.

Friendship Collar

***note*** I’m drunk as I write this. Damn oral fixation never stops and drinkinga beer is sometimes the only way to keep my mouth busy.

I am one lucky SOB

Most submissive guys will never find someone. It’s simple yet sad math. If (at best) there is one dominant woman for every 10 submissive males, then 9 guys will never, ever find what they are looking for.

I have spent countless nights trying to accept the fact that I will probably die alone and wondering if I would be better off calling one of those phone numbers I’ve been given by vanilla women while at a part or hanging out at a bar.

The one thing I can take to the grave is how incredibly lucky I am when it comes to my friendships. I have never been lucky in love (sex maybe but not love), but friendships have been my rock, the base, the foundation that I always know I can depend on.

There is a similarity between serving someone I feel submissive to and service for someone I adore as a friend, tonight I practically begged two newly-found friends to let me upgrade their computer. It’s a way for me to show my appretiation for how much I adore them and want to please them.

Most of my friends are women, a majority are whom I’ve met either through casual dating or casual play. One of my best friends recently asked “Am I your only friend you haven’t fucked?”. I don’t play with any of them now (why is it hard for so many people to play and be friends?) but our friendships take care of other needs.

They know I love them. I was walking down the street the other day with a vanilla friend who happens to know about my “Unspeakable acts” as she once called it (hence the name) and we would laughing our asses off about something. Afterwards we hugged, said our I-love-yous and went on separate subway lines. Ever time something like that happens I feel so full of love and happiness that I occasionally get misty eyed.

I’ve recently met even more people I have a feeling will grow into long term friendships. I’m insanely lucky in friendships.

Sure being a submissive male can be trying at times. Sure it might be another year until I get another really good beating (crap the last one I got was around a year ago). But imagine if I was still living back home in the mid-west. Not being able to tell others about myself, not being able to meet so many amazing people. Fuck I love this city. Geez I’m really buzzed from too many beers right now.

Maybe this is it. Maybe serving my friends is the only long term relationship I’m going to have. Maybe my collar will be one of friendship and nothing more. That’s not so bad.

I’m starting on a list of my New Years goals/resolutions.

The first on my list? Stop blogging while drunk.

Any others I should add to the list?

Sex WIth Vanilla Women

I didn’t want to come right out and declare my submission, instead I just said “I prefer to be…..a giver.”

… I told her the story and she kept pressing about the kinkiest thing I’ve ever done.