Thoughts

Losing My Submission

· April 27, 2008 · Thoughts · , · 10 Comments

This past week I’ve felt very disconnected from my submission.

I feel like I don’t have a compass right now.

It’s not that I don’t feel like I want to submit, or want to be submissive. It’s just….I don’t know.

It’s like I’m missing a body part or something.

It could be that I’m feeling more jaded than normal, or that I’ve hit a wall of some sort.

The feeling I normally have is difficult to describe. It’s not like I’m walking around being submissive all day. It’s more like..hmmm It’s like my IPhone. I’m not always using it but it’s nice to know it’s there. It’s comforting that I have it with me. A geeky comparison I know, but that’s the best way to describe it at this point.

A woman hit on me this week while standing in line for coffee. Very attractive and someone I’d consider “my type”. It was obvious that she was interested in more than just sex, but the flirting did seem sexual. I avoided it and didn’t flirt back. I could tell she was either submissive or vanilla (don’t ask, I just know). I just didn’t feel like having to go through the “well..there is one thing you should know about me first….”. I’ve been down that road before and it never works out in a positive way.

There is a small part of me that feels like a tiny weight has been lifted. I don’t feel as stressed but I also don’t feel driven either.

I miss it right now. I wonder if being on my knees for someone or being tied up and helpless….would help.

Surprisingly my sex drive hasn’t gone down with it. It’s skirt weather here in New York and I find myself constantly trying not to stare and drool at women with impossibly great legs.

Why can’t I be a breast-man instead of a leg-guy? Breasts are covered up, legs are everywhere. The second I see a great pair of legs I get really excited, then I feel myself whimper the next. I’l avert my eyes and try not to think of anything sexual. Putting gum in my mouth to curb the oral fixation. With the warmer weather I don’t have the benefit of a long coat to cover up any evidence of me being turned on. There have been times when I’ve had to run into a store and buy something just so I’ll have a bag or a newspaper to hold in front of me.

I’m not panicked about not having my submission right now. I’m sure it will come back again someday. Maybe tomorrow or next month. It’s just an strange feeling not to have it now.

Another Reason I Won’t Ask You To Play With Me

· April 24, 2008 · Thoughts · · 24 Comments

Why is it I don’t ask someone if she wants to play with me?

I have yet another good example:

Ages ago I met someone I was dying to play with. If that meant sex or play…anything. I just wanted to experience something with her. I built up my courage (beer helped) and put it out there as sincerely as I could. She didn’t say yes and she didn’t say no. She just…..nothing.

That was my answer.

Now and then our paths will cross. We’ll exchange pleasantries but that will be it. Nothing more.

It’s uncomfortable and I feel like a total ass.

I don’t imagine in a million years that it will happen now. I’m just interested in friendship with her. But now, because it’s out there, there will be no friendship it seems. Just a casual hello now and then.

I pretty much ruined what could have been a great platonic friendship because I expressed my desires.

Why in the world would I risk that again?

I know some would say “what if she had said yes”.

True. But she didn’t.

They don’t.

Decoding More Dominant Personal Ads

· April 23, 2008 · Thoughts · · 35 Comments

I’ve decoded another personal ad once before.

A friend emailed me a craigslist post recently to give me a heads up of a dominant woman looking for a submissive.

It’s most appreciated of course. I told him that after reading the post, I could tell i was not the submissive for her.

“I am in my mid-twenties, and seeking a partner. I want a best friend, a provider, and a lover all in one person.”

Unless she’s talking about me providing her with canned ham and the occasional beer. My income level wouldn’t allow that.

“I want this man to be a masculine alpha. He should be well-groomed, in-shape, tall, and intellectual. He need not take the world seriously, but be a lover of philosophy. He must be spiritual. He must aim to succeed in his career, but value leisure. He must want to have children.”

Spiritual scares me. I hope she doesn’t mean going to church. Going to church might be a hard limit. The part about my career also makes me thing nothing will ever be good enough for her. As far as wanting children goes….not so much.

“He must be stoic in public, but seek to be overwhelmed by my femininity in private. I want a man who is dominant in public, but submissive in private.”

I have a few posts about this topic in the past. It’s still frustrating to read. Not to mention, I’m hardly stoic.

“I want to be in control in bed most of the time. I want to tell him when we can screw. I want him to beg for it. After I deny sex to him for long enough, I want him to overpower me. “

So let me see if I understand this. She’s going to deny me until I overpower her? Why don’t I just overpower her every night since that seems to be the only way I’ll ever have sex? What if my idea of “long enough” is one day, while her idea is one month?

I sound cranky….I know.

Yeah…I still sent her an email.

Why I Canceled On You

· April 21, 2008 · Thoughts · , · 5 Comments

I read this post about a dominant woman who’s date flaked out on her. I’ll admit, I’ve canceled on women once or twice, but not due to a lack of interest.

It was because of my priorities.

One time in particular:

I had admired her long legs from afar for a very long time and after a few drinks we started talking. It was casual and relaxed. Somehow we got on the subject of sex and dating.

I could tell she was vanilla. I could just tell. Not vanilla in a bad way. Just vanilla, but her legs and body were too much for me to resist. My mouth was watering.

I pushed the conversation a bit further, after all, she was ‘nilla and in this situation, I was the more experienced of the two sexual players. I was confident because I had nothing to lose. Worst case scenario, I’d miss out on vanilla sex.

Missing out on vanilla sex is like missing out on a rerun of Seinfeld on TV. You know you’ll get another chance to see it very soon if you want to.

She had go run off with her friends but we exchanged phone numbers.

Two nights later I was on my way to her apartment. She wanted to call my bluff when I said I’d be happy to go down on a woman and not get anything in return..

I was early (I’m an eager beaver) and sat in a starbucks to relax for a bit.

One of my best friends sent me a text message. She needed my help. She needed emotional support and she needed it now.

I know if I had told her my situation she would have understood and met me later. In fact she probably would have encouraged me, but I couldn’t do that.

I told her I was on my way and not to worry.

I sent the woman with the legs a text apologizing and trying to explain the situation. I tried to contact her the next day but never heard from her again.

I still wonder what it would have been like if I did meet up with her. I know it wouldn’t have been more than a fling.

Friendships, good ones, last a lifetime.

I’m usually the go-to guy for a lot of people. I like being that guy. Most weeks are usually filled with helping friends with one thing or another.

This week is no different.

-Setting up a webpage for someone

-Helping someone buy a new computer

-Moving a couch from one apartment to another.

-Possibly setting up shelves for another friend.

-Troubleshoot why one friend can’t keep a wireless connection at her work.

I’m sure if my friend learned that I had passed up the opportunity for sex to console her she would have scolded me, told me I should have just sent her a text later. How do you do that? How do you deny a friend in need?

One person I know says I need to focus more on myself than others. She says I help my friends as a way to avoid focusing on myself.

Eh, who knows. I know this week is full. Maybe I’ll start focusing on myself next week.

I Wish I Were Bi

· April 17, 2008 · Thoughts · · 10 Comments

There’s a new website for bi-women who want to meet other bi-women. Why isn’t there a place for hetero guys to meet bi-women? Oh yeah, there is. It’s in my daydreams.

More and more dominant women seem to be looking for a bisexual guy.

If you’ve ever read Wendy’s blog you’ll know what I mean.

It seems that those who aren’t looking for a bi guy, do enjoy the idea of forcing their submissive to be intimate with another guy.

Sure, I get that. It’s a sign of control, of power that you have over someone.

Can’t the same thing be done by “forcing” a guy to go down on her hot friend from college instead? Pretty please?

Once someone tried to tell me that there’s no difference between strap-on play and a Domme having a guy fuck her sub in front of her. As someone who enjoys strap-on play I can say there’s a biiiiiiiig difference.

A woman once asked me if I would kiss a guy for her. This was a hard question to answer because I couldn’t imagine saying no to her. I told her something along the lines of “weeeeeeellll ummmm eeeeeshh bleeech…if you REALLY REALLY REEEEEEALY wanted me to..”.

I wondered if I could have a bottle of scope nearby for afterwards.

It’s not that I’m homophobic. If she had asked me if she could play with me and another guy at the same time I would have been all for it.

There’s another thing to it. If i were to do that, that would be it. She’d own me. I couldn’t go back. I would have shown her that there was nothing I wouldn’t do for her.

I always hear of submissive guys who bring up “forced bi” scenes. It’s just a way for them to live out their fantasies of being with another guy without saying they’re bi. They can fall back to “hey I was forced”.

Sure, I get it. I felt the same way about strap-on play at first. “Well, if she ties me up, then fucks me, then I’d have no choice would I? Yum! “

There’s another benefit that being bi would bring.

Options.

I’ve been to a number of events where guys have made comments like:

“Hey if you can’t find a woman to spank you hard enough, you know where to go”.

One guy actually said “I can introduce you to a Domme but you’ll have to audition for me first”.

I can only guess that he wanted to hear my impersonation of the godfather.

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