This past week I’ve felt very disconnected from my submission.
I feel like I don’t have a compass right now.
It’s not that I don’t feel like I want to submit, or want to be submissive. It’s just….I don’t know.
It’s like I’m missing a body part or something.
It could be that I’m feeling more jaded than normal, or that I’ve hit a wall of some sort.
The feeling I normally have is difficult to describe. It’s not like I’m walking around being submissive all day. It’s more like..hmmm It’s like my IPhone. I’m not always using it but it’s nice to know it’s there. It’s comforting that I have it with me. A geeky comparison I know, but that’s the best way to describe it at this point.
A woman hit on me this week while standing in line for coffee. Very attractive and someone I’d consider “my type”. It was obvious that she was interested in more than just sex, but the flirting did seem sexual. I avoided it and didn’t flirt back. I could tell she was either submissive or vanilla (don’t ask, I just know). I just didn’t feel like having to go through the “well..there is one thing you should know about me first….”. I’ve been down that road before and it never works out in a positive way.
There is a small part of me that feels like a tiny weight has been lifted. I don’t feel as stressed but I also don’t feel driven either.
I miss it right now. I wonder if being on my knees for someone or being tied up and helpless….would help.
Surprisingly my sex drive hasn’t gone down with it. It’s skirt weather here in New York and I find myself constantly trying not to stare and drool at women with impossibly great legs.
Why can’t I be a breast-man instead of a leg-guy? Breasts are covered up, legs are everywhere. The second I see a great pair of legs I get really excited, then I feel myself whimper the next. I’l avert my eyes and try not to think of anything sexual. Putting gum in my mouth to curb the oral fixation. With the warmer weather I don’t have the benefit of a long coat to cover up any evidence of me being turned on. There have been times when I’ve had to run into a store and buy something just so I’ll have a bag or a newspaper to hold in front of me.
I’m not panicked about not having my submission right now. I’m sure it will come back again someday. Maybe tomorrow or next month. It’s just an strange feeling not to have it now.