I’m on the subway as I write this.

Heading to some fancy schmancy place a friend suggested I look for new glasses.

It’ll be on Park Avenue. A place littered with trophy wives and their tiny dogs and their Viagra filled elderly husbands.

Hmmm I’m sounding bitter a bit early in this post aren’t I?

Anyway I’m going to try on a few pairs that I think don’t make me look like a hipster doofus and emailing the photo to a few friends. They know what looks good on me better than I.

I went to one store last night with a friend and with every pair I tried on I alsked “What pair makes you want to rip my clothes off. If you didn’t know me I mean”.

Shopping with platonic friends, who don’t want to rip your clothes off, makes it difficut to get a good opinion. Or at least get the reaction I’m hoping for.

I’m really bad at knowing what looks good on me.

Here’s another oddity, I can go days without looking in the mirror.

Even more odd is how getting my photo taken makes me feel uncomfortable.

A new friend asked me to take part in a photoshoot for her. It wasn’t porn…but it did involve me in various states of undress. The odd thing is how I felt more comfortable when she was taking photos below my waist than when she was taking photos of my partially shadowed face. If I had a choice, I’d rather someone take photos of my naked body without my face, than my face in a clothed photo.

Weird huh?

Whenever someone takes a photo of my face I feel compelled to make a silky face or do something to cover up.

Photos of my junk or my newly bruised bumm? No probelm.

Most of the photos that my friends see of me on facebook are photos of me taken by me. That I’m comfortable with for some reason.

Anyway, no real point to my post and this is my stop.

Time to go point and laugh at dogs smaller than cats.

Well it’s been very nice talking to you. You seem really intelligent and funny. Would you like to meet for a drink sometime?

What’s that? Oh that guy? Is he your boyfriend? He’s not?

Oh he’s just a guy you’re kinda seeing. Well that’s nice. Though you seem to be total opposites. I mean, he’s obviously a total asshole. Look how he’s treating the people around him.

Oh Yes, I’m sure he’s very different when you’re alone.

Oh? He’s not? Weird.

Yeah I’m sure he has some qualities that you find attractive. He’s wearing a very expensive suit after all.

Oh it’s not about the money? No, I know. I’m sure there are other reasons you’re with him. I’m sure there are some days he’s a nice guy.

No? Really? Hmm

Guess I’m just surprised because you’re dominant and he’s dominant as well and…

Oh a laywer. Interesting. Is he like Atticus Finch? Making the world a better….no?

Well he seems to be acting much friendlier now, he just grabbed that woman’s ass. Strange how she sneered at him and told him to back off and he just laughed. Maybe they’re just play-acting right?

No I totally understand why you’re with him. You’re trying to change him and make him into a better man. How’s that going so far?

Oh. Well, these things take time.

Me? Yes I’m submissive. Yup, like to please and all that. No, no I know it’s not your thing. You’re dominant after all, and I’m submissive, that would just be weird right?

You probably switch with him though right? So you can get your needs met? No? Well yeah, he’s not into that, that’s interesting.

Oop. I see he wants to take you back to his place now.   

Yes. Coffee would be great sometime, I’ll email you and then you won’t reply ever then we’ll meet again at an event like this and it will just be awkward ok?

Ok, well nice meeting you again. Have fun with that asshole standing next to you.

I was so lucky today!

There I was working away when all of a sudden someone emailed me some veerrry interesting information popped into my inbox.

I’m writing this post as a word of waring as a result of my taking part in this exclusive offer. Just so you know ladies:

I will make you explode with erotic fire.

I know, I know, you’re thinking “how is this possible?” “Can it be true?” “Surely he must be lying.”

Well just to prove that I did get this email, I’ll include a screenshot.

Yes, only a partial screenshot since I’d prefer it that the secret not spread like erotic wildfire. It’s in the worlds best interest that only a few select men and women know this secret so I’m just posting part of the screenshot to prove that I will soon hold this unique ability.

I couldn’t believe it either! I read it and read it again but knew that they couldn’t legally offer it if it wasn’t true so I placed my credit card info into some website written in a magical looking language and I’m assuming my order will be placed and soon I’ll have it delivered.

I did a search on wikipedia but they have no entry on wikipedia, nor does there appear to be any known medical condition called “erotic fire”. This just proves that I’ll be able to give women a truly unique experience. Something so rare that they can’t even document it.

Even though this is a warning, please understand that I’ve read enough Spider-man comics to know that with great power comes great responsibility. I promise to wield this power with the utmost care.

I know what you’re thinking “who will you practice this on before unleashing it to the world?”.

I’m glad you asked. Because shortly after I placed my order I recieved a ton of other great offers including one that posed this question:

“When is the last time you had a one night stand or a threesome? The women you meet at our online dating community want to date men for one night stands and threesomes only….if you’re interested then you should join our dating community today….you will never be bored!!!! Get laid!!! Get fucked!!! Guaranteed!!!”

It’s guaranteed!

I placed my order to join but I couldn’t access the site after I paid for it. I assume it’s filled with so many horny women that the server crashed.   

So you’ve officially been warned ladies. Hope you’re wearing fire proof underwear.