Thoughts

Not As Desperate As I Once Was

It’s kinda lame when I think back at how desperate I used to be.

I used to spend hours every night browsing alt, craigslist, collarme. Hours and hours lost that I’ll never get back.

Here are a few things I used to do that I’ve stopped doing as of this past winter.

-I had an alert that would pop up on my desktop every time a dominant woman would post an ad on craigslist.

-I’d agree to meet any dominant woman, even if I knew she was only looking for money. I’d hope that I’d be good enough to make her reconsider.

-I’d post an ad almost every other day on craigslist and reply to every one I could find in NY and NJ. (I had to make a separate email account due to the massive number of spam emails I’d get).

-I’d log onto collarme every morning, lunch-break and night to see if any new dominant women had signed up for the service so I could be one of the first to email her.

-I would rent a car or take a train to travel hours just to meet someone for the first time (usually only to turn around and leave shortly after meeting them or being stood-up by them).

-I paid the big-bucks for a gold membership on alt with all the bells and whistle, knowing that there are some women who won’t even blink at a guy unless he’s paid for the expensive membership (one woman said “It’s how I can tell he’s serious”).

So now. Not so much. I know why I’m not so desperate too. I met someone who changed my perception entirely. She had never even heard of collarme. She hadn’t even searched for it because she didn’t need to. Any guy would submit to her.

I realized that there are more dominant women who never go on alt, collarme or craigslist. Sure, some do, but most don’t. Why spend hours on those websites when most aren’t even there?

Maybe I’ve just accepted the fact that there’s really not much one can do. Just try and relax, enjoy your time with your friends, make some new ones and hope for the best.

I still show my desperate side now and then but for the most part…it’s just me being really really eager.

What I’m Thinking

I’m trying to be nice, cordial and not complicate things.

I’m dying to taste you. Feel your fingers running through my hair while I suck your clit into my mouth.

I smile, make small talk, try to make you laugh and try to make you a new friend.

Feeling the soft skin of your perfectly shaped inner thighs on both sides of my head.

I don’t care if you tie me up and do a million amazingly dirty and evil things to me or if I just go down on you. Whatever, please, just do it.

This is one of the many times I regret not being dominant. If the roles were reversed I’d order you to let me please you.

All I can do is beg, and I can’t even do that.

So, I just smile and try to make you smile.

It is what it is.

But I wish it were different.

How Much Pain Can You Take?

“How much pain can you take?”

Such an odd question. A great question though, since it hopefully comes from a person who’s thinking about testing just how much I can take.

How do I answer that?

“Lots?”

One person might consider me a pain-slut while another might think of me as a total pussy (to this I always say “you are what you eat”).

I’ve been told I’m a masochist, but it’s not like I have a large sample of opinions on the subject.

I’ve sometimes been tempted to ask what kind of pain since there are many different kinds I have yet to try.

If I’m bound I seem to be able to take more. I think. Maybe it’s just because I like bondage. I’d probably do lots of things more if I could be bound while doing them.

The correct response is probably “How much do you like to give?”.

A number of people have asked me if pain and giving oral are the only things I’m into. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I probably at the top of my mind lately though since sadists are so hard to come by and it’s a a curiosity that has me a bit beside myself.

I mean, I know why I like bondage, I know why I like a lot of things. But I still don’t know why I’m curious about CBT and a million other forms of pain/torture.

I recently joined this BDSM social networking site Fetlife. On it they have a list of kinks that you can check off and show your degree of interest. As I went through the list I kept shaking my had at how much there is that I have yet to try. I also found a few things I had never even considered before.

I only recently discovered the joys of being whipped. Holy fuck is that amazing. If half of my curiosities are as amazing as being whipped I’m in big trouble. Holy fuck that’s addicting.

Even though I loved it I still don’t know how much I can take. How does one measure that?

What is the best answer to that question? What answer does a dominant woman want to hear? What turns her on most?

“Lots”

“Buches”

“A Plethora of Pain”

“How much would you like?”

Submitting To A Republican: A Hard Limit?

Over a year ago I met a woman at BYTE here in NYC, I don’t even remember how we started talking but we did.

She was very attractive, arguably one of the most physically attractive woman in the room. We were joking, she got my humor and we were really clicking but I needed to wake up early (damn work-night events). We exchanged emails and eventually decided to meet for drinks.

When I saw her in the bar I was taken back by how much better she looked in street clothes than she did in fetish wear.

We sat, talked about the lifestyle and somehow got on the subject of politics.

Then it happened. She revealed something about herself scarier than if she had said she was into forced-bi.

She was a Republican.

Not just any kind of republican, but the kind that doesn’t know why she’s a republican. She just repeated talking points she had heard on Fox News or some conservative radio show.

She quickly became unattractive.

Don’t get me wrong, I have Republican friends. Friends I love dearly. But they actually have thought and reason behind why they are who they are.

She was just a talking point repeater. There was no thought or feeling behind what she wanted and every reason she had was a greedy one.

She asked why I was a liberal and when I answered “empathy” she looked like a deer in the headlights.

She lost her attractiveness quickly after that.

So could I ever submit to a member of the GOP? Possibly. If they were the kind who actually thought about their beliefs and weren’t just blabbering on something they heard from a guy on the radio.

I think this goes back to a big part of what it takes for me to submit to someone emotionally. Respect.

I can’t respect someone who watches someone on TV spouting their agenda and assumes that their opinion is fact.

However, it could make for an interesting scene or two:

-She tries to beat me until I denounce the values of universal health care.

-Ties me up with rope she stole from Haliburton.

-Refuses to let me go down on her until I come up with 3 positive things Ronald Regan did.

Ok…maybe it’s not a hard limit. But it sure would be difficult.

Quitting

It’s sad when this happens, I found a blog written by a submissive and his last post was in 2006.

It says simply:

No more updates will be appearing for the forseeable future. This part of my life is over.

Many have done this, I know of a number of submissive men who just give up. I just learned that a friend of mine has given up and decided to date vanilla. His thought process is “It’s better to be vanilla than alone”.

I know I’ve been tempted and I have taken breaks.

Here’s how it happens every time I take a break:

-Cancel paid memberships to kink dating sites.

-Only attending events that friends are going to and only going to socialize.

-Start going on vanilla dates.

-Shit my pants over how easy it is to get vanilla dates.

-Clean pants.

-Become bored with vanilla dates and start confessing my kinky interests.

-Realize vanilla women aren’t comfortable with kinky guys.

-Stop going on vanilla dates.

The guy I know who recently went vanilla does like the woman he’s with, he’s attracted to her and they have great chemistry. The problem is that he doesn’t feel fulfilled.

Isn’t he being dishonest by not telling her?

I don’t think it’s fair to vanilla women unless the submissive is sure that his desire to submit wont make him look for it elsewhere and potentially ruin that relationship.

Is it dishonest not to tell someone a deep dark secret like being submissive just because you’re worried that she’ll leave you?

On the other hand, I know of a few submissive men who did give up looking for a dominant woman and went vanilla. If you ask them they say they love their wives but they do miss submitting.

Are they settling?

Giving up?

Or are they just compromising with reality?