It’s sad when this happens, I found a blog written by a submissive and his last post was in 2006.

It says simply:

No more updates will be appearing for the forseeable future. This part of my life is over.

Many have done this, I know of a number of submissive men who just give up. I just learned that a friend of mine has given up and decided to date vanilla. His thought process is “It’s better to be vanilla than alone”.

I know I’ve been tempted and I have taken breaks.

Here’s how it happens every time I take a break:

-Cancel paid memberships to kink dating sites.

-Only attending events that friends are going to and only going to socialize.

-Start going on vanilla dates.

-Shit my pants over how easy it is to get vanilla dates.

-Clean pants.

-Become bored with vanilla dates and start confessing my kinky interests.

-Realize vanilla women aren’t comfortable with kinky guys.

-Stop going on vanilla dates.

The guy I know who recently went vanilla does like the woman he’s with, he’s attracted to her and they have great chemistry. The problem is that he doesn’t feel fulfilled.

Isn’t he being dishonest by not telling her?

I don’t think it’s fair to vanilla women unless the submissive is sure that his desire to submit wont make him look for it elsewhere and potentially ruin that relationship.

Is it dishonest not to tell someone a deep dark secret like being submissive just because you’re worried that she’ll leave you?

On the other hand, I know of a few submissive men who did give up looking for a dominant woman and went vanilla. If you ask them they say they love their wives but they do miss submitting.

Are they settling?

Giving up?

Or are they just compromising with reality?


i don’t see why it has to be either/or. i mean, i don’t think you can so easily categorize everyone as either “kinky” or “vanilla.” i know i fall somewhere in between.

i was on a date last night with a guy who is 43 (i am 32), and he was telling me that some people don’t realize who they are sexually till they are 40. for instance, this guy is a bit of an exhibitionist, and he only realized that recently.

so i just think it’s too extreme to label people. you just never know. you never know if you will meet someone who may not be part of this “scene,” but may be open to fulfilling your desires anyway. or, not just open, but even turned on by it herself.

I know how you feel; and have thought the same thing many times. I enjoy writing my blog and am always hopeful a woman will read it and say, ‘yes, you’re the one for me’ and we’ll meet and it will be wonderful. It hasn’t happened and the question begs: will it ever?


It’s sad really. I was there myself. I was with a man who had no sexual creativity or naughty desires. MY submissive desires were coming out. I found myself unhappy all the time. But I tried to deny myself. Even went to couple’s therapy with him. In the end, I had to leave… and then I met Sylvanus and life is fantastic!

I’ve tried to give up the kink part of myself off and on for the last 25 years. What I realized about 5 years back was that I simply couldn’t change this part of myself and be completely vanilla.

I am lucky and found my husband that does understand that this is a huge part of what makes me who I am and he also pushes me to find the right submissive partner even when I do want to give up.

Now if only I could find that right sub partner life would be golden, I won’t quit because he or she is out there it’s just going to take a while to find that person.

You can’t deny that big a part of yourself forever. It doesn’t mean you can’t ever date vanilla… just means that you have to upfront about it, even if you are also willing to compromise what you are willing to do in the short term. It’s unfair to hide it, because it will come out at some point.

Trust me… denying who you are and what you want in the long term is a recipe for unhappiness, no matter how you feel about the person you are sacrificing it for.