My dear readers,
Upon the sudden (or seemingly so) financial crisis, I’ve decided that the country needs my help and I simply cannot continue looking for casual sex while the wealthiest Americans aren’t making as much money as they were before. Granted, they’re still making more money in a month than most Americans will see in their lifetime, but it’s just not fast enough. I’ve heard horrible stories of rich white men who have had to sell their vacation homes or who have had to settle for dining out at Per Se only twice a week. It’s because of this crisis that I’ve decided to suspend my campaign for kinky sex.
Oh I know, you’re going to say that I looked at the poll numbers and found that a majority of dominant women have no interest in erecting me for their pleasure. This could not be further from the truth. This isn’t some gimmick where I’m hoping that women everywhere will see me putting country first and begin to swoon.
Others might say that I’m simply giving up because I’ve realized that I’m just not that attractive and therefore have no hope in finding someone. I couldn’t disagree more. The fundamentals of my sex appeal remain strong. Despite evidence to the contrary and despite what everyone says about me, the fundamentals of my sex appeal remain strong.
I know many of you read my blog and enjoy debating the various aspects of my failed attempts. While I enjoy a good debate, we must look to the greater good and put all debates on hold. Please understand that this doesn’t mean I’m not prepared for a debate, nor does it mean that I’m worried that another debate would decrease my chances of winning the affection of a woman who would elect me to worship her body.
I plan on suspending my campaign until I’m confident that the economy is stable and strong once again.
Or until I have the opportunity to have sex again.
Hey, I don’t love my country THAT much.