Problems With Acting Submissive

Hello from London! I’m terribly sleep deprived but found a little cafe with free wifi and it gave me a chance to show you this gem.

Medieval chastity devices???


Badman has an interesting post filled with some great comments on the issue of presenting myself as a submissive to women.

One woman left a comment: “I enjoy being dominant but find myself repulsed by a man who says he is submissive. “

Later she wrote “After speaking with Bad Man about your issues I’ve come to believe one thing: you’d be best served by paying for what you want.”

Ouch. That sucks eggs.

Troy’s comment was considerably more helpful: “Where I see axe go wrong sometimes is that he puts his submission first: objectifying his own sexual orientation in the same way he objectifies the women he hopes will dominate him. If he’d only focus his efforts on being axe, on showing all of axe’s dimension, not just the subby part.”

I’ve attempted this a few times over the past week. I’ve tried to change the way I present myself as just a normal guy who happens to be submissive. After exchanging emails with one woman on Collarme recently, she suggested I start looking for a submissive woman. Why Is that?

“Because you don’t seem submissive. Your tactics are quite aggressive and Dom-like. Maybe you’re not a sub. Maybe you’re just a bottom. I don’t know.”

Keep in mind, I was respectful to her. It’s not like I was demanding that she use me or anything.

“You will use me for your pleasure!! Force me to bow down before you!!!”

I was just being myself. Relaxed, calm, not begging.

I’m now wondering if I hadn’t shown my other dimensions things would have turned out differently with my conversation with her.

It seems some women require a guy to act more submissive and others are turned on by the ones who don’t. I’ll have to try and pay more attention in the future to see what type of guy a woman goes for.

Do I toss a coin to see if I should just be myself or if I should present myself in a more submissive manner?

What are the signs to look for when seeing what kind of guy a woman is looking for?

How can you tell if a woman is looking for someone who is more submissive compared to someone who’s looking for all of my dimensions up front?

It’s certainly something to think about.

It will be nice to get away from searching for a bit, put my mind at ease and hopefully I’ll come back from Europe with a new perspective on things.


Ultimately, your only choice is to be yourself, the most honest self you can be. If you’re not, if you present yourself as what you think a woman is looking for, she will very quickly realize that it isn’t really you (even if it’s partly you), and will feel deceived, even though that isn’t your intention. What can I say? I think the cliché about not trying so hard is right on the money. You are good enough the way you are. Stick with it.

Actually, I do believe that is to protect your junk while at war. I would NOT want to take a lance to the crotch.

Look, you know this as well as I do. Assertive does not always equal dominant, nor does passive always equal submissive.

People online seem to use shortcuts…if he bows and scrapes that equals submission. No. That means the woman in question is equally using shortcuts and not really being herself.

Being yourself, assertive, strong, forthright and also, yes, submissive is the best tactic in any case. IMHO.

Have fun over there.

That looks very desirable, I might go and play with it in my mind.

Be yourself, be honest, understand how valuable you are. Can’t do any better than that.

um does the possibility that she may just not be all that dominant not exist? I don’t see why this is a reason not to keep being yourself. As for the you need to pay for it I get the opposite from reading your blogs. While some would probably benefit from a pro it seems to me what you need is a relationship. You seem to put a lot of value in what random people say about who you are.

I agree that passive and quiet doesn’t necessarily mean submissive and aggressive and loud doesn’t mean dominant. Personally, I like submissive men who are smart and funny and fight with me a little, but always know who’s boss 😉

It’s already been said, but bears saying again: be yourself and the likelihood that you’ll find someone who is a right fit for you goes way up.

When we interact, we bring all of these other people with us. If I describe myself as a sadist and dominant, you will automatically filter what I say through your experiences with other people called “sadist” and “dominant.” I will also filter you through my experiences with “masochist” and “submissive.” Both of these filters color our interactions.

Sometimes the filters are true. Sometimes there are absolutes that hold, sometimes there are not. Sometimes the filters are false. Or arbitrary.

Or pointless.

So how people define terms is entirely subjective, which can be frustrating when you’re trying to self-define. It’s hard to define yourself according to someone else’s subjective reality (obvious, I suppose, but I see people doing it all the time).

And while advice can be helpful, perhaps someone telling you that you put your submissive sexuality out there too much will help you find someone, but will it be the someone you are compatible with?

After all, there is a reason you put it out there… it is important to you.

Have you ever tried to top a submissive woman, You might discover something new about yourself. Hell you might be a “switch”

You seem like a pretty smart and interesting person. I *hate* that people assume that personality types are the exact way to determine someone’s role within the BDSM world.

Good luck. Also, fleshlight is better than jerking off alone, I’ve been informed. 🙂