Hello Sex, Long Time No See

It’s been a long time since I’ve had sex or played.

Sometimes I wonder if a good fuck is all I need and other times I wonder if it will just make me want sex and BDSM even more.

I’ll admit, I’m a picky SOB. Whenever I get comments or emails from readers saying “I just don’t understand why you can’t find someone to play with you…”, The answer is simple. Yes, I can find someone to play, but I can’t play/fuck with just anyone. I need to be attracted to them.

Say that to some people and they’ll say “Well, DUH” and others will say I’m too picky.

I do feel bad when I need to tell someone I’m not interested. For some reason it’s a bad thing when a guy isn’t attracted to a woman but it’s OK for a woman to not be attracted to a guy.

I only feel submissive to someone I’m attracted to mentally and physically. I can’t submit to a woman just because she calls herself a dominant. I wish I could be one of those guys. I know it’s a bit of a flaw that I need to be sexually and mentally attracted to someone on some level in order to play. It limits me.

I know plenty of guys who’d fuck anyone, but I’ve never been one of those guys.

When I was 17 I wanted to lose my virginity more than anything else in the world. It was so bad I could taste it. If an attractive girl looked at me wrong I’d get instantly hard (ok that still happens to this day but that’s besides the point).

A few of my older guy friends decided after a long night of drinking that they were going to get me laid. They knew a woman who’d pretty much sleep with anyone that knocked on her door. We all stumbled into the lobby of her apartment and when she came out to greet us I couldn’t have been more turned off. She was…..not who I wanted to lose my virginity to. Not even, no, not even close.

My buddies tried to push me to go into her apartment. I specifically remember yelling “Fuck no” (Hey I was 17 and drunk). My friends went into her apartment and I waited in the lobby. An hour later they returned and started giving me shit for backing out.

“Boy you really missed out.”

“You can’t be so picky, it’s just sex.”

“If you’re waiting for a hot girl, you’ll be a virgin for a very long time.”

I just sat there quietly while they bragged about their conquest and how great she was in bed.

A week later they admitted that she gave them Chlamydia.

One year later I lost my virginity to two college girls.

It was worth the wait.

I hope my current wait is worth it as well.

I may need to go vanilla to get this itch scratched.


Well, Duh! Axe, you are not being too picky. I get a lot of attention and one in ten gives me any sort of rush. If I’m not attracted to a man intellectually and then physically, it isn’t going to happen. The man doesn’t have to be attractive by society’s standards; just by my standards.

Be who you are my dear.

It is not a “flaw” that you need to be both mentally and physically attracted to someone to want to be intimate with them. There are nothing wrong with those things; it seems like simple good sense.

The catch is that you aren’t going to get a lot of sympathy that you can’t find a match from people who’s standards are lower than yours. Even if you are young/hot/smart/hung/whathaveyou it can still take a while to find someone who suits you.

Of course you need to be attracted to someone to be with them. The question, really, is what you find attractive. Kitten said it… “The man doesn’t have to be attractive by society’s standards; just by my standards’. I think that’s the real key. Yes, make sure you feel attraction, but make sure you don’t assume you won’t be attracted to someone until you know them. Beyond that, though, stick to your standards.

i have friends who will sleep with a random guy and get themselves off and enjoy it and be ok with it. sadly, i cant. i actually even tried. im not even going to tell you how badly it ended. actually, at some point, i probably already did. hang in there little trooper. youll find the right girl eventually. if not, give me a call ๐Ÿ˜‰

It’s not a flaw. It’s a virtue. It’s knowing yourself and being honest about what you want.

It’s also good not to get Chlamydia, but even aside from that, you never feel better by being with the wrong person.

I know itโ€™s a bit of a flaw that I need to be sexually and mentally attracted to someone on some level in order to play.

It’s been said already, but you made me yell at my monitor. No! Bad!

The sex positive and kink scenes are unfortunately steeped in this very mentality. You should only embrace the idea of playing with a wider range of people if that’s what you actually want when removed from that cultural influence.

As others have said, your requirement of attraction is not a flaw; it is a choice, and as you recognized, it does limit you. It’s obvious that you’d play more frequently if you didn’t need to be attracted to your playmates. But for you, it’s more important to play with someone you’re somewhat attracted to than to play, period. There’s nothing wrong with making that trade.

For me, sometimes people don’t become really attractive until I play with them, so I’m open to not feeling a “spark” when I first meet a potential playmate (say, at a party), and still going on and playing to determine whether we are compatible. Even so, people still have to meet a certain threshold of appeal for me to want to play with them in the first place.

Your post really hits home for me. I used to be able to just session with any prodomme who caught my fancy. Now I need the emotional, physical and mental connection before I do anything. I don’t think it is a choice. It is not rational. It is a force of nature with me. It really would be so much easier “just be a client”. I’m not in a position to jump both feet in to a “lifestyle” relationship. But neither can I simply do “good client” or even a lifestyle-lite-hook-up thingy. It’s not choice, it just is. I feel your pain. But I love the search, the process and the adventure. It is life … to be lived fully.

Lavender Scorpion May 20, 2008 at 11:01 pm

Oh alright I’ll just ask what we all really want to know –

How long has it been?

It’s good to be selective. It’s also a turn-on.

I tried to post this on Dominant Triggers but for some reason it wouldn’t go.

I find that the first thing that attracts or repels me is who they are as a human being. I must feel personally engaged with them as individuals, before I can go on to feel dominant towards them. I do feel dominant generally, but my dominance won’t be directed towards any person in particular unless they engage me first.

Once I feel engaged, a variety of things can help me feel more dominant towards an individual, as long as what that individual says to me is genuinely heartfelt. I never play with people whom I don’t even like, or am not remotely attracted to.

I agree that being selective is a big plus in a submissive. ๐Ÿ˜€ Why should I be interested in submission which is anybody’s for the taking?

An example of something that got me going after I felt engaged – your “Rough please. Itโ€™s ok if you make me bleed.” melted me just a bit. ๐Ÿ™‚

I don’t suppose this was helpful, but I’m glad to have got a chance to let you know that you can have an effect. ๐Ÿ™‚