A Testament To Douchebaggery

I’ve been fighting with myself and others wether or not I should post this. It’s not something I’m proud of. Not my shining moment in the sun to say the least. I’ve decided to post it because I’ve learned something from it:

I answered their ad that mentioned they were looking for a submissive male to perform service for them. It would start out with cleaning and chores with a chance that it would lead to more sexual play.

We exchanged emails a few times, I answered their list of questions and they decided to meet me. I was excited to say the least. Finding not one but two women for service AND play? It seemed too good to be true.

It was too good to be true.

They wanted to meet at a sushi place on the Upper East Side, I arrived ten minutes early. They arrived thirty minutes late.

As soon as we sat down they started asking about me and my search for a dominant. The tall blonde suggested I shouldn’t have moved to New York from the midwest since it wouldn’t be any easier for me to meet anyone here. She said it as though she was bringing something to light that I didn’t know.

We briefly talked about what growing up on a farm was like. After I mentioned the fact that my father had to sell some his land, the blonde said “NO! Never sell land! That’s just not smart. You never sell land!”. She was pretty much calling my father an idiot. As though he had a choice in the matter. As though he had options.

“Yeah, I’ll be sure to tell him that when I talk to him next”, I said politely as I could while being sarcastic.

They asked about my friends in the lifestyle. The tall blonde assumed I had been to a professional. I told her I had never been but I did have friends who are.

“What are their names? I have a beef with a few Pro Dommes”

“I’d rather not say. I don’t feel comfortable name-dropping. and I don’t think they’d appreciate me using their names as a reference without asking them first.” She looked angry and I added “If it’s a deal breaker, I understand”. The last thing I wanted was to get a call from a friend saying “Why is this nutjob calling me?”

I was then asked what my budget was for dinner.

“Um. Nothing? I’m sorry, I didn’t know you wanted me to pay for dinner. I won’t be eating anything since I’m tight on cash. I’m sorry for the misunderstanding.”

I was then told that it was a given that I would pay. “It’s just good manners”, the tall blonde said.

Later the brunette would tell me that she had never been on a date with a man who didn’t pay. She looked at me with disapproval.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t know this was a date. I thought this was more of an interview for possible service. If you want me to go to the ATM and get twenty bucks I will”.

“See? That’s just rude. Then you’re putting the responsibility on me to say yes or no. You should just offer to do it”.

At that point I was glad that I didn’t go and get some cash. I was torn. I was trying to give them the benefit of the doubt as I hoped they were giving me. Maybe they were having a bad day or maybe they really hated me for some reason.

We talked about my experience with service. I mentioned my positives and negatives (folding fitted sheets). I mentioned how I wasn’t looking for play in return for service, that I’m not the type to make mistakes on purpose in hopes of being punished. If they wanted to play that would be great but I wanted them to know I enjoy service for the sake of pleasing. They seemed semi-interested but it was hard to read them. I mention that I was looking for someone who liked the idea of a man in service to them and not someone who didn’t care who did it as long as it got done.

We parted ways and I emailed them to thank them for their time and wished them luck on their search if they weren’t interested in me.

One of them replied saying: “I found you to be rude and cheap and your presence ruined my meal. It was a testament to charity and patience that I did not leave sooner.”

Oh? And what is it a testament to that you would send such an response to someone who just thanked you for your time?

I’m wondering why I didn’t just leave earlier. Why didn’t I excuse myself the second I realized they were not what I was looking for? Why did I give them the benefit of the doubt? It seemed clear fifteen minutes into it that they weren’t interested. Why do I consistently find myself in these situations and never learn to avoid them? The warning signs are there. I just need to open my eyes. Or not block my eyes with my cock.

It’s been a while since this happened. I’m not angry at them anymore nor am I hurt by the experience. I’m willing to accept blame for this one. I should have made it clear that I was in no position to pay for their meal before meeting them. We’re still living in a universe where some women will feel I need to pay them for the right to clean for them.

There are some dominant women who use their dominance as an excuse to treat men like they’re a dime a dozen (probably because we’re a dime a dozen).

The most rewarding service I’ve ever performed was to someone who required me to bring a receipt for anything I bought while in service. It was clear that my service was the important thing, not my money. I was providing what they saw was the most valuable thing possible: my sweat, dedication and sincerity.

The most rewarding sexual relationships I’ve had have been from those who wanted to be with me for my body or for my mind (sometimes both). Once again it was my sweat, dedication and sincerity that they valued most.

44 Comments

I think these women are despicable.

And I do think you should have just excused yourself saying that obviously you were not a match and aplogized and wished them luck. Anyone who feels that behaving in such a way is “dominant” truly isn’t and therefore not worth serving.

I think men do let their cocks think first honestly. I don’t know what men or what you value most – do you decide to meet Dommes HONESTLY because they’re hot and super attractive and they’re willing to meet with you? Because the modelesque ones are more likely to feel entitled this way I believe and look at BDSM as a easy way to take advantage of guys. Not to say that there aren’t attractive women out there, but chances are – if it sounds too good to be true it probably is.

Just put it out there before hand and see what they say. If they respond they don’t want to meet you because you can’t pay then they aren’t worth your time. Clearly their values are not in sync with yours and it wouldn’t work out anyways.

MS

Thanks for the comment as always MS.

I should say that I didn’t know what they looked like until very late in the game. I expressed interest before knowing what they looked like.

*Why* is every single dominant woman you seem to meet a complete bitch? Seriously? WTF?!
I *know* there are good, kind, loving, and sadistic dominant women out there. I know several. So why in the hell are you only meeting the really bad ones?
Damn. *tight hugs* Sorry, love.

Oh, Axe —

I wish I had something useful or insightful to say, but I am just another traveler in the dark most days. I don’t feel the need to serve or to dominate, so I can’t advise or reassure. All I can say is that your search and your honesty are very moving to me.

Yeah, I have nothing to add other than, who the fuckity fuck do they think they are. You are worth far more than that.

The only evidence of douchebaggery I see here was in the demeanor of these two women. But you know that.

On one hand, I do think it’s great that you had the opportunity to meet with the women. You’re getting out there and even if things turned into a clusterfuck this time, at least you’re getting the chance to interact with different people. Unfortunately, on the other hand, it is distressing that you seem to be finding all of the ass-clown “dommes” first! One way of looking at it is, when all is said and done, at least you’ll know what you *don’t* want.

Just please, don’t ever allow any woman to disrespect you like that. Nip it in the bud next time. These bee-yatches don’t deserve to be in *your* presence and in fact, it is their presence that ruined the meal. There is nothing to blame yourself for here.

XOXO

This post evoked two feelings in me: the first was the feeling that I wanted to give those two women a lesson on how they should have conducted themselves.
It is such women who give Dommes a bad name.
You were right, it wasn’t a date, you were there to interview for a position in serving them, so they should have had no expection of you buying their meal.
Their expectations were convulted; dating is not about questioning one for a position, it is about spending time with someone for mutual entertainment/socializing.
If they wanted a date they should not have used an ad stating they were seeking service, those are two mutually exclusive scenarios.
My second feeling was to slap you.
Honestly, Axe, although I have never met you in person, my perception is that you are more comfortable giving others respect they do not deserve (“I should have told them…)and not respecting yourself.
You are valuable, as a person, as submissive and as a male who has a great many attributes to offer a female REGARDLESS if you can BUY something for them.
Forgive me if I have this incorrect, but I get the sense you ultimately judge your value based on your financial status and somehow have this belief that if you aren’t able to buy shoes or meals that you aren’t valuable.
Excuse me for my bluntness, but those women should have anticipated buying YOU dinner because it was your service they were seeking.
Honestly, any Dominate should be willing and ABLE to provide for their submissive on a basic level, even a submissive they are interviewing because in my not so humble opinion, YOU WERE ALSO INTERVIEWING THEM and if they wanted to impress upon you they were capable Dommes (service or otherwise) they should have bought your meal, no questions asked.
You deserve to have a Dominate that is worthy of you.
I hope the lesson you learned, as you didn’t mention it in your post, is that you are worthy and that you have the right to say, “You’re not good enough for me” even as a submissive.

Once again, I’m dismayed at the quality of women you keep running into. I can’t believe this is tolerated, even though I’m certain it goes on. I know for a fact that in more of an “interview” setting, neither I nor anyone I know would have expectations like that and would certainly not behave so rudely.

I’m sorry you’ve had these unfortunate meetings.

i’m glad that you posted this. it’s really a very moving piece and a beautiful expression of your feelings. such a terrible thing to have happen… i am so sorry that you were hurt. you certainly deserve better treatment.

bitches. And listen to BBW Switch, dammit!

You can block your eyes with your cock?!

Wow! I’ll buy dinner 😉

It’s a pet peeve of mine when people hold others responsible for their own failed expectations. Especially when no one was told of those expectations.

Isn’t this what the scene is all about? Being very, very clear about what both parties expect? I’d think that honesty would start long before somebody starts unwinding a length of rope.

And I finally put my finger on what’s been bothering me about the money-divas you seem to keep finding. Maybe it’s the old-fashioned feminist in me, but money is power. How do you dominate somebody on whom you depend for money? Because if you flat out won’t consider somebody with the $$, then you depend on it. Which is fine. There are stranger needs, stranger fetishes. But treat it as a fetish, as your personal need. Why on earth would you enter a community as diverse as BDSM and then get miffed when your date doesn’t do something you think of as “expected?” Look at the chains on the door. Look at the tawse on the table. Welcome to Wonderland, now shut the fuck up.

Yep, axe repeating the pattern.

There is something here, which is all about being stuck in a pattern. Singly each of these experiences are tragic and comic. Taken together there’s one thing in common in all these experiences. you’re picking all these women, with their horribly bitchy attitudes.

It would be interesting to see which profiles you pick, and then from those profiles, which of the responses you pursue and decide to meet with. If there is a pattern there, you really should deviate from it.

Axe, Axe, Axe, two dommes? If there ever was a red flag for submissive men, that’s it. I’ve tried it a couple times. Its always a lesbian couple who both have real issues with men. You being around serves two purposes. You become a source of income for their lifestyle and they get to take out all of their “issues” about men on you. Usually, their first rule is that you are always kept in chastity without the possibility of sex. I’m surprised your duo didn’t lay down that rule right away.

Axe,

I am appalled, appalled, at the behavior of these women. While I understand the need for a mutual interview, their expectation of your monetary submission is ridiculous at best. The purpose of the interview is to see if you mesh, personality-wise and even find some attraction to one another.

I, myself, conduct ‘interviews’ over a coffee or beverage of some sort. In those situations, I always pay for myself and feel that the person I am meeting probably can afford a coffee or beverage without great sacrifice on his part. If I feel that he cannot, I’m comfortable paying for his beverage as well, without expectations of any sort beyond a ‘getting to know you.’ It is my duty as a dominant to anticipate and deliver what I believe a submissive needs. That can and does include the purchase of a simple beverage upon our first meeting.

BBW Switch has it right, you disrespect yourself by not getting out of situations such as these when the first red flag arises. If this were a typical ‘date’ situation, would you allow yourself to be talked to in such a demeaning fashion? Please axe, if nothing else, respect yourself.

— oh — and as a fellow Midwesterner, I’m always amused to hear the comments of those that have never lived a rural lifestyle judge those that have and do. I would have walked out long before the conversation turned to your family, but the topper of what your father should/should not do with his land is unbelievable. Dommes they may claim to be, but hateful, judgemental bitches is what they certainly are.

Be well, axe, and find someone that deserves you. You are a Domme’s dream with your willingness to serve.

axe,

Thanks for posting this, even though it was obviously a difficult experience for you to relay. For those of us trying to navigate these relationships, it’s invaluable to hear first-hand experiences so we can learn.

And, I’m sorry, but did you say you can aptly fold fitted sheets? Honey, you can come to Vermont anytime, and it won’t cost you a dime 😉

MM

I think it’s pretty simple. You should pick your Dommes like you would pick a friend. Someone that RESPECTS you. Any show of non-respect is just not ok, unless it’s part of the play or something. And you can’t just play that way the first time you meet, so in this case, they were rude, plain and simple. Doesn’t matter that you feel the need to serve or that they’re hot or whatever. You’re a decent human being, the least they could have done is be decent, too. I’m so disgusted with the human race, sometimes 🙁

Fuck me…how do you keep finding these women?

It’s like you have “bitchdar”.

You need someone to screen your selections to crack the secret code and say “Sweets…that’s a bitch.” Or perhaps just assume you’re picking a bitch and have someone else pick an ad for you. Hm…I should do that as I keep picking while not assholes they’re pretty darn close.

You should have walked away. Just got up and walked away the minute they showed up 30 minutes late because that showed YOU were not a priority to THEM. Submissive does not equal meek. When your inner self is telling you to walk the fuck away…babe…walk the fuck away.

Oops potty mouth has come out to play.

One would almost wonder if women such as this were your real fetish, you seem to meet them so often.

I apologize for talking with you about your blog at the party before I’d read more than two or three entires on it…but I’ve been reading more. Sorry, but I still think you’re cool. You’ll just have to get over it. 😉

Maybe there are more bitchy women out there than non-bitches imagine? Just like there are more asshat guys out there than decent guys imagine? I mean, I have met some real jerks and I don’t think I have a “jerkdar” for asshat guys. (Um . . . ) Anyway, my point is that I am not joining the “axe is his own worst friend” club on this one, although I like to do that.

By the way, I probably wouldn’t have walked out either. It’s just not something I think to do.

30 minutes late without a good reason [or calling on the cell to say the traffic’s a bitch or whatever] = bad manners. I wouldn’t wait 30 minutes for a new guy unless he’d called to say he’d hit a snag and was going to turn up, promise. As for not defining the ‘rules’ of your first meeting and then getting huffy about it…sheesh.

:::HUGS::: I hope you turn the corner one day soon in NY and bump into that drop dead gorgeous single woman who will be as close to perfect as it can get for you and not expect Jimmy Choos [or whatever] in return. Because real love and a truly authentic relationship =/= based on $$.

There are some dominant women who use their dominance as an excuse to treat men like they’re a dime a dozen (probably because we’re a dime a dozen).

Sorry, dude, but that’s it in a nutshell. So many – too many – submissive oriented men are willing to allow themselves to go along with this kind of situation simply because they have such a hard time meeting women willing to accept their sexuality that they jump at pretty much any opportunity that presents itself.

Not blaming you, of course, for their behavior. But I’m going to suggest that what they did lined up pretty much with what many (not all, but a lot) sub men have come to expect, either from too many web interactions or perhaps from reading too many ads in the back of the alternative papers. Bitchy women who push and expect a man to treat them like royalty, expecting little or nothing in return. It’s a stereotype, and they played it up perfectly.

Years ago, a friend of mine said that assuming the label of “Dom” was simply a way for certain men to justify acting like inconsiderate jerks. Looks like that idea is not limited just to men.

I don’t know how your profile reads, or how you sort profiles which you read, or how the profile of those two women reads. When I read other peoples’ profiles, and when I create my own, I am always careful to include a good chunk of what I’m offering, as well as what I’m looking for. I won’t touch any person whose profile lacks one or both of those elements, or who can’t answer my questions about both of those elements.

Since I don’t know what was in the profile of those two women, I can’t say if I would have felt any red flags from it. However, from your description, I’d feel fairly certain that their profile didn’t have much of what they were offering.

I’m guessing their profile mostly only covered what they wanted, because the behaviour you describe from them sounds awfully like the do me!! dominant combined with a good dose of One True Waying.

I appreciate that naming their behaviours might not be helpful. On the other hand, naming them might make it possible to identify them earlier.

Those women sound utterly vile. I feel for you.

You share a very painful experience and then some commenters “should” all over you. As for BBW Switch’s comment that you shouldn’t base your value on your financial status, I think that’s a lot easier to say as a woman than a man. A man in this society is constantly judged on earning power.

Reading for a while but never commented before; just seconding what Crown Vic said. And echoing the “vile” posted earlier. I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time. You know a hell of a lot more about manners than the people who have been preaching them to you lately. This whole thing just makes me want to pet you.

I think how these women treated you was horrible. I believe wholeheartedly in the many comments where people said “respect yourself” that you should have indeed politely excused yourself and left the interview. I’m a new reader to your blog so I don’t know the history of bad women you’ve found, but I do know that finding a Domme is something that happens when you find someone who respects the lifestyle, the submissive, etc. I cannot tell you how mad it makes me to see women act like this and then call themselves Domme. I respect there are different thought processes and choices out there, but I also respectfully decline to be around that.

Have patience, communicate openly and upfront with those you are interested in, respect yourself and the beauty of what you offer in this symbiotic relationship to be, and in time you will find what you seek.

Be well,
DM

(On a side note; Midwesterner here too 😉 )

I specifically read this article to see what the protocol was with ‘outside session expenses’, as a lot of Pro-Dommes state they like being bought flowers or giftcards, I thought it was just expected that if you’re with them you pay whatever.

So, if I only pay for me, and it doesn’t turn out well, I will write about it for sure!

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