I was interviewing a friend for the podcast recently and she said something that threw me off a bit. She mentioned how it took her over a year for her to find out who she was as a dominant.
This sounded kind of odd to me. Not because it took her so long to find out who she was, but because I realized I didn’t know who I was as a submissive, or if I did I hadn’t thought about it enough to realize it.
Sure I know what I like. I like to please, I like to be objectified, I like to give orgasms and be forced to orgasm, I like bondage, I like being beaten, I like getting fucked just as much as I like to fuck…the list goes on.
The problem is that these are activities more than they are ways to identify oneself.
I guess I’ve been pretty lazy at analyzing myself.
About a week ago Sade took me to the bedroom and wanted to play before she fucked me and asked “What do you feel you need right now?”.
I didn’t really know how to answer. I new I was craving pain from her, a beating or something. I knew I was dying for her to fuck me but I could barely say it because it was hard for me to read her at that moment and know what she wanted.
What I really wanted to say was “Anything that will bring that wonderfully evil smile you get when you’re in top-space, wether that’s electrical play, tease and denial, fucking me, beating me..whatever..I just need to feel your top-space, I need to feel owned and objectified and used and loved and all of it”.
I knew if I had said it she would have made me pick something anyway so I think I just said “umm a beating would be nice if you’re feeling like you want to or…something”.
That wasn’t what she was really asking but the reason I didn’t know how to answer was because I didn’t really know the answer. I knew I was craving a beating but I was also craving a million other things. Above all I knew I’d be happy with whatever she wanted.
So I’m still wrestling with this question. Who am I as a submissive?
How do I even begin to answer that?
Who are you as a submissive? What do you want as a submissive?
Perhaps it’s simple – you crave to please. Your desire is to serve.
Which can drive a caring Domme crazy when she asks the question – “what do you want/need?”. The answer being “whatever will make you happy/turn you on.”
There are times when you do need something specific – I am pretty sure you are lucky enough to just be able to ask for it. But most of the time there is this array of possibilities all of which are great, which leaves you back at, “… whatever will turn you on.”
The nice thing about this endless loop, is that at some point She will just get pissed off. which leaves you right where you want to be, albeit by the back door.
First off, I have been reading your blog for a long time and think it is fab. So thanks!
Second… this is something I’ve been thinking about a lot lately. For me the context is being single, and wondering what it means to be submissive without the foil or mirror of having a dominant to serve. So I’ve been trying to think along the lines of ‘even though I’m not in a relationship, what is it about me that I identify as submissive’ or ‘when I’m alone, without someone who is a dominant, what defines me as submissive?’
I have no idea. But it’s important to think about.
That’s the big question – it’s akin to asking “who am I as a person” and with all the complications and internal contradictions that brings with it.
You hit the nail on the head with the distinction between activity and BDSM “selfhood” to get a bit thigh-rubbingly theory wanking. After all, there’s a lot of stuff you *can* do in the kinkyverse, but it is – for me at least – the intent, the desire and the feelings that surround all these things that really matter.
I’ve been working on this for a few years now, and I’m not sure I’ve got a huge amount of answers. I know that a lot of the feelings and connections I get from BDSM are similar, regardless of whether I’m dom or sub (I’m a switch) and that the real kick is in the overt power exchange with my partner. The form that takes varies according to the person.
But who that makes *me* and what that means for my identity or sense of self other than “being kinky” and wanting D/s rather than vanilla relationships (and friends) is harder to clarify and I strongly suspect will change – as my overall sense of who I am changes as I go through life.
Let me know how you get on.
I just need to feel your top-space, I need to feel owned and objectified and used and loved and all of it”.
I think you answered your own question. That phrase puts it perfectly. Why isn’t it answer enough.
Seeing the two of you together it was obvious that self confident as you are you were very much happy being enveloped by her mere presence. She is the fabric you surround yourself with, her person, her love and her need to control. Hence your statement above seems to me perfect.
I think this a beautiful question. I imagine it will be like a piece of thread, you pull it and the whole thing starts to unravel. I am one who believes that when you ask yourself who you are you begin something, who knows where it will take you. All I know is that I want to read about it.
Your blog is somehow special as you are normal, thinking, sensitive not mental defective human with this funny deviation which I share with you.
Hard to explain even to professional domme I am not even submissive in my life, only two bordering places in brain have unusual connection and I am maximum aroused when woman humiliates me.
Looking to you enjoying your life is stimulating, forcing me to enjoy my life too.