I was interviewing a friend for the podcast recently and she said something that threw me off a bit. She mentioned how it took her over a year for her to find out who she was as a dominant.
This sounded kind of odd to me. Not because it took her so long to find out who she was, but because I realized I didn’t know who I was as a submissive, or if I did I hadn’t thought about it enough to realize it.
Sure I know what I like. I like to please, I like to be objectified, I like to give orgasms and be forced to orgasm, I like bondage, I like being beaten, I like getting fucked just as much as I like to fuck…the list goes on.
The problem is that these are activities more than they are ways to identify oneself.
I guess I’ve been pretty lazy at analyzing myself.
About a week ago Sade took me to the bedroom and wanted to play before she fucked me and asked “What do you feel you need right now?”.
I didn’t really know how to answer. I new I was craving pain from her, a beating or something. I knew I was dying for her to fuck me but I could barely say it because it was hard for me to read her at that moment and know what she wanted.
What I really wanted to say was “Anything that will bring that wonderfully evil smile you get when you’re in top-space, wether that’s electrical play, tease and denial, fucking me, beating me..whatever..I just need to feel your top-space, I need to feel owned and objectified and used and loved and all of it”.
I knew if I had said it she would have made me pick something anyway so I think I just said “umm a beating would be nice if you’re feeling like you want to or…something”.
That wasn’t what she was really asking but the reason I didn’t know how to answer was because I didn’t really know the answer. I knew I was craving a beating but I was also craving a million other things. Above all I knew I’d be happy with whatever she wanted.
So I’m still wrestling with this question. Who am I as a submissive?
How do I even begin to answer that?