My Biggest Fear

Failure

Not really failure, but the fear of failure.

Fear of failure is what’s kept me from doing many things in life.

Multiple failures in small tests kept me from taking the big tests, kept me from going on stage or from taking big risks. I’m brave in many ways but in other ways I’m a big coward.

Up until a few years ago, the only thing I wasn’t afraid of was love. I’ve risked everything a number of times for love.

I went all in a few times. Every time I did I’d lose in the end but always had something left over, except for that last time. That last bet left me with nothing. I’m still paying for it in many ways.

Failure still freezes me in my tracks. Asking someone out still does it. Every now and then I’ll be brave enough to approach a woman but the fear is still there. Even sending an email scares the crap out of me. The fear makes the the part of me a woman would actually be attracted to hide under a rock. Her answer usually justifies my fear.

A friend once expressed interest in playing with me. I told her I was eager to and to let me know when. I haven’t heard anything on the subject since and don’t want to be pushy, so I wait. If I did push it may ruin the opportunity. I try to hint now and then but that’s the extent of it.

It’s why I don’t make the first move. Rejection and failure bring back so many bad memories that I try to forget. Thankfully there are women out there that do make the first move.

Recently I was presented with a service opportunity. I’ve been looking forward to it for along time but a task has been added that I’m probably going to fail despite weeks of preparation. Part of me wants to cancel. To save myself from disappointing someone would canceling be more of a disappointment? If I did fail and my failure resulted in my tears, would that experience be worse than no experience at all?

When I was younger I was bucked off by one of the horses on our farm. I was knocked unconscious and kicked. I never did get back on the horse. I lived on a farm with horses and I never rode one again. It’s not that I’m afraid of horses, I just never trusted one again.

In that respect, horses are like women. It just took getting bucked off more than once to lose my trust in women.

Would I like a relationship one day? I like the idea of it. Maybe someday. It’s a gamble and I just don’t have anything to bet with right now.

I need to learn to ignore my fear or conquer it. Living with it isn’t doing the trick.

Maybe I’m not a masochist after all.

9 Comments

I think that many people will find themselves in your words, doms and subs alike. I certainly do. But you know – there’s no point in being afriad of failure. It’s going to happen anyway.
I try to keep a list of the top 5 of my most embarrasing moments in my head, of my five biggest failures. Whenever an embarrasing situation occurs, I compare it to the top 5 and often find that it isn’t really as bad. Pain and shame will pass, and at the end, I’ll be still there.
I grew up with horses as well. When I was fifteen, I slipped in the mud on a downhill patch, it had been raining hard. I slipped inbetween the legs of a horse, and with one of its hooves, the horse stepped right in my stomach. I’ve been thinking of that a lot in the last few weeks, because my work has been tough and felt just like slipping on that piece of mud again. It passed, and I am still there.
Every few years, I ruin myself for love, although I probably use the word more lightly than you. After that, I give myself a break, waiting for the wounds to heal, and then I can’t stop myself from falling for someone again. I’m looking forward to old age: I’ll be sitting on a bench in the sun, carrying my scars like a veteran of war.
Maybe one day it will all make sense.

One of the most true statements ever made is: “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” (Franklin D. Roosevelt). Sounds good, but hard as hell to work.

There are 2 things I offer to you:

1) My friend, you are a diamond in the rough with all kinds of mixed messages going on. Very confusing. I read your blogs and hear your words, but there is something there – fear? – that almost makes MY experience of what you’re saying completely opposite of what you’re saying!

My Grandmother, amazing woman, said, “What’s the worse that can happen except they say no?” Perhaps, you can embrace the strength you have learned to have from past experiences of “no” and use that to move on to the next adventure – instead of (what we all seem to get caught up in) using “no” as a deterrent.

2) As a Domme, I advise you to be honest about feeling set up to fail in the service situation BEFORE you attempt to serve. Any Dominant worth serving will not want you to fail, unless that is the way you have both agreed to Play (humiliation, degradation). Nothing annoys Me (and most of the Dominas I know) more than the sub who CREATES failure in his own mind before even showing up to serve and who waits until the last minute to punk out. That’s not what you want, is it?

males always FEAR what COULD happen – yelling, chastisement, etc. – and make matters worse by wasting Our time and then punking out instead of addressing their fears so that We can clarify the situation for you. This is heinous on so many levels: 1) you are making decisions FOR/ABOUT what We are doing without ASKING what Our reality is; 2) you completely set yourself up for failure because you do NOT know the reality of the situation; and 3) you waste Our time with such audacious behavior which ultimately disappoints Us – and you will be punished and not in a happy-fun way.

I can’t believe you’ve never gotten back on a horse! The first time a horse through Me, it took Me a minute to get over the fear, too, but I got back on and when he tried to get stupid again, I bit him. Everything was fine after that.

If there is nothing else in this world that one should strive to control, it is one’s own FEAR:

False Experiences Appearing Real

And you’re lucky; you can always talk to Me about anything.

That’s “the first time a horse THREW Me” – I have to remember to drink the coffee first before attempting to write, etc….

Also, the love thing… I am probably the last person to talk about that or maybe I am a Muse for those who believe that, “if at first you don’t succeed, don’t consider it a failure, consider it an opportunity to try something different the next time! It’s all an adventure!”

Like Life, I think of Love as a journey, not a destination. (I guess after 8 fiances and 1 creature-EX-husband, I’m quite the thrill-seeker!)

You answered the crux of your own problem – you don’t trust women. You’re always waiting for them to scorn you, hurt you, betray the offered gift of yourself. That leads to your total lack of confidence.What woman wants someone who is cowering and not joyful in their service.

In any relationship there is the all important mental connection and your lack of trust prevents that mental link from happening. That’s just how I see things. But I wish you good luck and hope it all goes well.

Well… different kinds of pain.

I was watching House today and at one point he said “don’t try, you can’t fail” and I think that’s where I am right now. Kind of sad if you think about it, because if you don’t open yourself to the possibility of failure, you’ll miss all the exhileration and joy that comes from success. Not only that, but you’ll miss the entire process…

You’re brave because you push yourself and you try and you don’t give in. Keep going…

“Recently I was presented with a service opportunity. I’ve been looking forward to it for along time but a task has been added that I’m probably going to fail despite weeks of preparation…”

Mistress Didi is exactly right. If you haven’t already, talk to those you are going to be serving about your fear. Tell them it makes you nervous, that you are afraid of failing. I NEVER want anyone who submits to me to fail, but if I don’t know that a task is particularly difficult and he is scared of failing, there is nothing I can do about it.

And you know what, that honesty, and even the fear, is terribly appealing because it shows both strength and vulnerability. Killer combination.

Ferns

Another thing, ignore cowards who do not offer any info other than “backhanded well-wishes” and NO info about themselves. Like scavengers, they pick out the garbage to feed upon to feel some sort of value for consuming the oxygen they breathe.

oh how I identify with this post… it’s tough to be brave and fear is more powerful than almost anything else…

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