Losing My Submission

This past week I’ve felt very disconnected from my submission.

I feel like I don’t have a compass right now.

It’s not that I don’t feel like I want to submit, or want to be submissive. It’s just….I don’t know.

It’s like I’m missing a body part or something.

It could be that I’m feeling more jaded than normal, or that I’ve hit a wall of some sort.

The feeling I normally have is difficult to describe. It’s not like I’m walking around being submissive all day. It’s more like..hmmm It’s like my IPhone. I’m not always using it but it’s nice to know it’s there. It’s comforting that I have it with me. A geeky comparison I know, but that’s the best way to describe it at this point.

A woman hit on me this week while standing in line for coffee. Very attractive and someone I’d consider “my type”. It was obvious that she was interested in more than just sex, but the flirting did seem sexual. I avoided it and didn’t flirt back. I could tell she was either submissive or vanilla (don’t ask, I just know). I just didn’t feel like having to go through the “well..there is one thing you should know about me first….”. I’ve been down that road before and it never works out in a positive way.

There is a small part of me that feels like a tiny weight has been lifted. I don’t feel as stressed but I also don’t feel driven either.

I miss it right now. I wonder if being on my knees for someone or being tied up and helpless….would help.

Surprisingly my sex drive hasn’t gone down with it. It’s skirt weather here in New York and I find myself constantly trying not to stare and drool at women with impossibly great legs.

Why can’t I be a breast-man instead of a leg-guy? Breasts are covered up, legs are everywhere. The second I see a great pair of legs I get really excited, then I feel myself whimper the next. I’l avert my eyes and try not to think of anything sexual. Putting gum in my mouth to curb the oral fixation. With the warmer weather I don’t have the benefit of a long coat to cover up any evidence of me being turned on. There have been times when I’ve had to run into a store and buy something just so I’ll have a bag or a newspaper to hold in front of me.

I’m not panicked about not having my submission right now. I’m sure it will come back again someday. Maybe tomorrow or next month. It’s just an strange feeling not to have it now.

10 Comments

Damn, now I have that ‘losing my religion’ song stuck in my head. Thanks a lot :).

Why can’t I be a breast-man instead of a leg-guy? Breasts are covered up, legs are everywhere.

I think this is another difference between you and me. I have noticed the exact same thing, but instead of wishing I were a breast guy, I’m all like, “Fuck, what are those idiot breast guys thinking?”

i admit, i like walking past store windows and checking out my legs. im a leg man too 😉

Since we’re all sharing, I’m obviously an assman. Woman. Whatever. But I like butts and hips and thighs. Though a nice rack’ll do me good too.

i’m glad to know there are lots of leg men, since i have great legs. i used to have big boobs, but they disappeared. i like boobs a lot, and i always assume men do too, since they don’t have them. so it’s nice to be reminded about the leg men.

Eileen: Sorry…hey REM isn’t THAT bad.

Maymay: I wonder if being a leg guy is a submissive trait.

Pitselah: Glad you’re sharing them with the world:

Wendy: Yes…I KNEW you were an assman.

Downtown: Leg guys are few but we’re vocal:)

Axe, I understand what you mean about that bewildering feeling of suddenly missing something that’s been part of one’s identity for such a long time. I’ve felt that way about the urge to write, and also about my queer identity. Lately, I was feeling that way a bit about my femdom-iness, but last night pretty much clinched it that yep, I’m still a toppy kind of bitch. I was all domestic and whatnot for Bran, put on a pretty skirt and cooked him dinner and cleared the table and everything. But by the end of dinner I’d had all the submission I could handle and had to push him down and drag him to the bedroom and push him down some more.

It’s interesting to hear you complain about your fetish being constantly in display. I think I can sympathize to a certain extent — certain stumuli that most people find innocuous give me a little frisson that’s increased by its invisibility to the mainstream. But it’s not so intense that I find it intolerable.

As a woman with big legs and a big ass, I’m constantly amazed at how many men (and women) out there actually appreciate these parts of my body. I get the sense that your tastes run more toward the lean and long types of legs, and those are the ones I’m constantly comparing my own legs against. But even if I can’t appreciate them myself most days, it’s good to know someone out there is enjoying them.

I’ve lost every single one of my religions.

I never had an ounce of submission to lose. But I have lost my dominance on occasion.

But I’ve found it always turns up. Ususally in the most unlikely of places.

Oh damn, Eileen beat me to it. Late to the party again. 🙂

I have been gone for awhile and am trying to catch up. It seems I am not alone in this “losing my submission” feeling. That feels good to know.

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