Is She In New York??

While listening to the Savage Love podcast, I heard a woman complaining about the kink scene in her city.   She complained that most of the men were older, she didn’t find them attractive and the submissive men she tries to meet online don’t show up.

This is a common complaint for people I know here in New York, makes me wonder if she’s here or if this is a universal issue.

Click the link below to listen:

Savage Love

This brings up a good question:   Why aren’t there more younger people at kink events and BDSM clubs?

My first night in New York, I went to paddles and was surprised that I was by far the youngest person there and I was 29 at the time.

Why does the age seem to skew older?

Is there something that clicks inside someone’s mind when they reach a certain age where there willing to take a chance and explore?

The other thing she brings up in the call is how she gets stood-up by submissive guys she tries to meet online.   Speaking as someone who once drove more than 24 hours to meet a woman in hopes she’d want to play/fuck him, I can’t really understand this.   I think most of the guys are overcome by their fear and that makes them flake out in the last minute.    I can understand that fear.   Myabe the voice screaming from my cock is louder than the voice in my brain screaming in fear and that makes me show up anyway.

It should NOT be this hard for a woman to find what she needs.


I think part of the reason the public scene is so skewed towards older people is because…well, they’re already there. I went to paddles twice when I was new to the scene, with my boyfriend, and the fact that there were no people our own age kind of scared us off. Thats what scared us away from TES too.

And certain groups are so entrenched in their ways, they aren’t always willing to make room for the younger set.They aren’t ready to give up the reins and let others have a chance.

Is there something that clicks inside someone’s mind when they reach a certain age where there willing to take a chance and explore?

Yes, it’s called the face of their own mortality. 🙂

Like Wendy – I’ve noticed the same thing. Younger people don’t find their peers, or aren’t as welcomed and they may take a step back. I know I often got a look when I divulged my age.

I’ll take a gander and blame it on the male ego.
At a younger age, the definition of what it means to be a man leaves no room for anything that would challenge that ideal; not even for sexual explorations and or pleasure.

Should we take into account American prudence here? Do you think some of it has to do with American culture as well?

Do you ever have discussions with young male subs ever? Those that are online in any of the bdsm social networks, etc?

This may be an ignorant/silly question but is it like “gaydar” where one su man can generally pick out another??

The young issue is one I am extremely passionate about. Since I’ve already ranted about it quite enough, however, I’ll direct your attention to a post of mine called: “Young People Into BDSM Are Not Exceptional“.

I’m certainly not the paragon of “outness”. But I’ve actually found the opposite. Most all the people I meet and have become friendly with are younger than I am. I was by far the oldest person at the RopeShare class I went to the other week. I think ageism of any kind totally sucks. The tie that binds ought to be our kink and our openess to alternatives.

I was blessed in that my intro to the public scene here was a TNG (younger set) group. The 2 play parties I’d been to before were heavily skewed to older swingers, which was a major turnoff.

There *are* a lot of younger folks in the scene, but you’ve got to find the right group (here, at least). Here, there are about a half dozen local groups, and one specifically for the younger crowd (21-39).

Good point and very true.

I agree that it just depends on where you are and what you do. Where I am, the scene is quite young–I’d say 2/3 of the folks are under 30. Which is starting to make me feel like an old maid. Where my boyfriend is, people tend to be much older–sort of pushing forty or just past it.

My opinion is that yes, when people reach a certain age something might click and make them want to explore. They might overcome a certain shyness or insecurity, maybe?

On the other hand, I believe that kink/BDSM is becoming kinda… trendy, with the younger crowd. I don’t speak with much experience or knowledge, it’s just sort of an impression I have. I mean, if you look at teens now, I think they are much further along, sex wise, than teens were back in the days (when I was one). I hear all kinds of stories. And yeah, I don’t know. Around here, I do see it as a bit of a trend. Then again, like I said, I’ve not much experience.

Noel accidentally illustrates one of the issues — the “younger people” group includes almost-40-year-olds?

I’m a submissive woman in my early 20s, and I have a lot of trouble finding compatible partners. TES, even TES-TNG, skews way older and more lifestyle than I’m interested in — I think that scares away a lot of people my age. I don’t want the scene to be a huge part of my life, I just want my bedroom activities to include kink. So I try with guys I meet normally, but no surprise, we’re incompatible more often than not (they tend to be submissive too — no fair!).

I’m not sure what the solution is, at all. I just want to let you know I’m a young submissive woman and I’m having as many issues with finding a partner as you or the Savage Love woman.

Not to toot my own horn, but for those younger people who actually want a friendly kink environment filled with early 20 year olds instead of “young at heart almost 40 years olds,” I’d heartily recommend going to a Conversio Virium meeting or two. CV has no age limit, so what keeps the group membership young is social bindings, not arbitrary (and totally crazy) age restrictions.

I’m still wondering how “the next generation” is supposed to include 35 year olds at all.

TNG is the best thing ever invented!!!

When I first came out in the scene I was surrounded by people much older than me by ten years at least and I was 22. I was ok with it because i can handle my own well enough that age didn’t matter. Then I moved to Chicago and was worried it would be the same and I’d have no one to play with. TNG is a youth bdsm group across the U.S. and is perfect for 18-35 year old kinksters. I love this group as well as the fact that when your surrounded by others your age you don’t have to be all “serious” like some of the older kinksters are. We laugh, touch (we are very touchy), talk and everything is just fun. Anyway. It exists. Just have to find the right group…or start one!

I also think sometimes it’s a thing when you are young and kinky. You handle a lot more judgment about your abilities and the fact that it’s much to early for you to “know so much”—that takes time right?—*chuckles*. This alone has created exclusions from groups where most people are older. Not saying that this is always the case…but it does happen. Even if its silent.

Unpopular opinion – Axe has my email address.

I kid. Kinda.

We’re out there – I’ve been kinky since my first girlfriend turned me on to tying her up – but as Axe can attest, you’d never know by looking.

Alas, I’m probably too old for you at the ripe old age of 33, but still.

The age thing is very annoying. -_- The public scene is where I supposed I would, you know, *meet* people. As opposed to having to pry them out of corners. If you felt out of place at 29, imagine how it feels to be a decade younger at Paddles.

I have also had thoughts concerning the large age gap at parties and events. As a mom first and a submissive second I think the heavy demands of children and family keep most of your 20’s and 30’s crowd at home. I know several D/s couples including myself and we all constantly talk about how hard it is to find time and agree that when the kids are older when we will be able to come more involved again. The older lifestyle people have less child rearing issues than say a young woman with 3 toddlers; young subs are here we just can’t play every weekend. =) just my thoughts.

i think it takes some men years to realise that vanilla is not for them and they are usually in their middle age before they appreciate what they really are seeking. For me this is fine as i prefer Daddies.