Another Reason I Won’t Ask You To Play With Me

Why is it I don’t ask someone if she wants to play with me?

I have yet another good example:

Ages ago I met someone I was dying to play with. If that meant sex or play…anything. I just wanted to experience something with her. I built up my courage (beer helped) and put it out there as sincerely as I could. She didn’t say yes and she didn’t say no. She just…..nothing.

That was my answer.

Now and then our paths will cross. We’ll exchange pleasantries but that will be it. Nothing more.

It’s uncomfortable and I feel like a total ass.

I don’t imagine in a million years that it will happen now. I’m just interested in friendship with her. But now, because it’s out there, there will be no friendship it seems. Just a casual hello now and then.

I pretty much ruined what could have been a great platonic friendship because I expressed my desires.

Why in the world would I risk that again?

I know some would say “what if she had said yes”.

True. But she didn’t.

They don’t.


I’d be curious to know exactly what you said to her; how you phrased it. Personally, I’ve always liked men who stated their case right up front so that all positions and points of view are on the table. Maybe it’s due, in part, to the area I live in; to be honest I’d think NYC would be the capital of ‘be who you are’ over any other metro area.

When you told her, did you ‘own it’ and state it confidently, or were you the least bit apologetic about it.

Geez, I seem to have my shrink hat on. Sorry Axe.

I *still* argue that my counter point to this is proven because I would have said yes.

Ditto to Eileen.

Axe, you lose nothing by not putting yourself out there. If some girl doesn’t feel like she can be friends with you after you ask her to play and she doesn’t want to, then she’s a bitch anyway. There have been plenty of times where I’ve asked friends to play/propositioned them/whatever. Sometimes they say yes, and things are awesome. Sometimes they say no, for whatever reason, usually nicely. Yeah, that sucks. Of course I wish they had said yes.
But they’ve stayed friends with me, because they’re good people who liked me before I asked to play, and still like me after.
Anyway, I’d rather ask and get an answer, rather than spend time wondering what might have been.

I agree with Wendy & Eileen. When asked, I probably say ‘yes’ about 75% of the time. If the vibe is good, then why not?

Yuck, answering “nothing,” without even a clear discouragement vibe, is unpleasant.

I frequently say yes to men offering to bottom to me, and my “noes” tend to be to men less fit and older than you are, from what I’ve seen of you on this blog. I also say “Not this time, but please do ask next time,” which usually means just that, and I often say “Maybe; tell me what you enjoy so I can figure out whether we’d get along.”

But here’s a thought. Just as you make play-with-me overtures, you may need to make let’s-be-friends overtures to move beyond that casual hello. What if she thought that you had only been friendly with her in the past in hopes of getting her to play with you? If play isn’t the next step for your friendship with her, what is the alternate course?

Some do say yes. Statistics back that up. Don’t quit based on anecdotal evidence. If 10 say no, and one says yes… yay… one said yes!

Submissive men are tough motherfuckers. And so are you. So be tough. And hit on girls.

(Also, incidentally–same advice: give unto thyself, Janie.)

Submissive men are some of the toughest men in the world.
And so are you.
So be tough. And hit on more girls. Oh, and it’s gonna hurt because anything that’s worth doing and provides opportunity for growth, HURTS.
(Incidentally–same give advice; give unto thyself, Janie.)

See, I’ve been having that problem not with playpartners but with potential employers.

I put myself out there and go “Hire me! I’m smart and awesome and look at all this cool stuff I did!” Not in so many words, of course.

And then nothing.

It sucks and it’s frustrating and often ego bruising, but as Eileen and Wendy pointed out, you just gotta keep going and try your best to not let it get to you. There could be any number of reasons why you get nos and non responses that have nothing to do with you.

There will be women out there who’ll see how awesome you are and then do all sorts of wonderful and evil things to you.

For what it’s worth, I think you’re full of awesome, were I more dom like, I’d play with you in a heartbeat.

Eileen: Damn. How long is the flight to down under again?

Wendy: I know I know. In her defense though, she’s most certainly not a bitch. After all, I wouldn’t have asked if she was.

Sophiste: Good point. Maybe just shooting for friends first and waiting to see if they make the move is the best way to go.

Janie: “Tough” isn’t the word I’d use. If I were tough I’d approach many many more.

Sascha: Thanks, I think you’re full of awesome too!

That happened to me on a few occasions, too. I bugged me a bit, but I didn’t totally stop asking other people. How would that have gotten me where I wanted to be?

Grr. Damn keyboard problems. I meant to say “It bugged me a bit” not “I bugged me a bit.”

this is fairly ironic after your last post.

Currently clocking in at 36 hours and about 2 grand. That’s assuming you want to go home afterward.

Eileen – a 36 hour flight?!?! Man, that is far.

Um, I don’t get it. I won’t claim to know anything about the Femdom culture (and it really is a culture in and of itself, no?). But you’re a sweet and very attractive guy. And based on reading, you’re genuinely submissive and want to please a woman, rather then like other annoying submissive men, who are so in people’s faces, who want to manipulate women or scenes for their own pleasure.

You make me wish I was dominant!

I just don’t get it.

I wish we could get the opinions of the dominant women that say no.

So how do you imagine you’re going to play with people? Lots of dominant women are just as uncomfortable as you, if not more so, asking people to play.

And hey, maybe she just didn’t like the fact that you had beer on your breath.

I sometimes have been asked to play (either direction) but I rarely play with people that I don’t know pretty well. Mostly because I would be flying blind a bit in how to play with them and play with them well. But I like being asked, and if asked nicely I usually try to arrange a date first for some get to know you.
Also, Gander prefers to at least meet the guys I play with first.
My two cents.

Hmmmm… Well I will speak out as a thoroughly dominant woman (you couldn’t stop me anyway could you?) and state that Axe I recall messaging you ages ago on collarme and got a very tepid response. So sweetheart step up your game! Yes, that is an order…

I’m asking myself why you would want to be friends with a woman who treated you like that. Don’t you deserve better? 🙂

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