Another Approach & Reader Email

I’ve realized that the best thing for me right now is to seek out casual play and just try to expand my experiences. Being in a relationship just isn’t realistic for me right now. I still have so many unanswered questions about myself a that I need to answer before I settle down with someone. Plus……my fear of rejection is a big hurdle to get over as well.

So…for now….just casual. Finding someone for casual play is hard enough. This change in approach feels similar to a guy saying, “Hey instead of trying to find a unicorn who’s holding a winning lottery ticket, I’ll jut buy the winning lottery ticket.”

I had this email from a reader recently:

“….I also wanted to share with you that my favorite dominant partner was a girl I dated for 10+ years. (long story). anyway it started off fairly normal & then I shared what I was into at some point. it took off like a rocket ship after that. I was curious if you had success in that approach? it seems you “let the cat out of the bag” right away. “

I have tried that approach and it really hasn’t worked out. I won’t be trying that again since, frankly, I don’t have time for that.

The last thing I want is to meet someone, really like her and then spill the beans only for it to end up blowing up in my face. Meanwhile I’ve wasted time and money when I could have been out there looking. It’s not fair to either person.

Yes, I let the cat out of the bag early. I’ve mentioned it here before. Sometimes the woman will say “you should have waited to tell me until later in the relationship”. Of course when I do wait until later in the relationship they say, “you should have told me in the beginning”.

Nah, I’ll stay honest and upfront from the beginning.

For now….just casual.

I’ve been in a deep funk the last couple of weeks and trying to pull myself out of that.

Anyone know how to pick winning lottery numbers?


Are you looking for a girlfriend or a dominant? This post makes it unclear which, and several of the comments you make could be considered quite rude depending on what you’re looking for.

Girlfriend or dominant…. What’s wrong with 2 in 1? I always dislike “the choice” some feel has to be made. Sometimes they come in a package, I should know. I used to be one.

Perhaps I will be again…

I am worried about you though, you sound more jaded then ever. I hope you get out of the funk. I would hate to see you lose faith!

Until you do though, enjoy the play….

I’m not sure that a lottery ticket is a good analogy. After all, the odds of a lottery ticket are a)known, and b) astronomically high. On the other hand, no one, (insofar as I know, at least) has any idea how many women with dominate tendencies are out there. Let’s assume, for fun, that Kinsey was correct, and 10 percent of the population has desires for BDSM. Let’s go further, and assume that there are as many potential female dominates as male dominates. (Why? Well… Because I think that this makes sense, as proposed by… [oh goodness, one of the many blogs I read] . I believe that there are several factors, including societal pressure and general availability of partners that a large part of the this potential group never a) act on their desires, or b) join the kink community).

Now, according to at least two different sources, at least 80 percent of the population is submissive (socially, at least). This means that your target demographic is a potential 20 percent of 10 percent of the general population. So, in a random group of 1000 people, 100 would be interested in BDSM. And out of this group, 20 people would be dominants. And thus, half would be female.

So, your odds are 100 to 1. (Unless, Lit. major that I am, I messed that math up.) Find me a lottery ticket with those odds, and I will buy one. 🙂

You’ve already done some things to raise your odds. You’ve moved to a place of greater population density, which has a community of like-minded people. You have started this blog, which, for a bibliophile or other word junkie is a huge turn-on. 🙂

All you have to do now is try to keep from becoming jaded and bitter, and keep meeting people. I really believe you can find someone just right for you. I’m an incurable romantic like that.

I read with rapt attention, the comment from shawdowedge yet it brought to mind the quotation attributed to Mark Twain, “There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics”. While I am not insinuating that anyone is being untruthful, I will point out that where a person happens to live must be taken into account when analyzing raw statistical data as that can and does affect the outcome of the data. Where I live for example is an excellent example of a place where societal pressure does to a severe degree limit the availability of dominant women specifically and women actively engaged in the lifestyle in general. I do frequently meet vanilla women who my submissive radar tells me would be submissive if they did elect to participate in the lifestyle. This is one of the reasons why I am skeptical of the results presented. Having said that however I admit I am such a geek and absolutely love statistical analysis and so the comment was almost arousing for me to read. 🙂

Still the facts remain. I would be most interested to read the blog reference that leads to the assumption that in a random sampling of 1000 people, 100 would be interested in BDSM, 20 percent would be dominant and half of those would be female. I do get the 20 percent (80 percent of the sample would be submissive and thus 20% dominant) and don’t quarrel with that figure. But it has not been my experience that females make up 50% of the dominant or even potential dominant category. From what I know of the Kinsey research, 51% of those interested in BDSM were male and 46% were female. Assuming that remains a constant already we lose some of the actual or potential female dominants. Next more and more, I am meeting dominant women who prefer submissive females. This further erodes the potential universe of dominant females for submissive men. As Fox Mulder might say, “I want to believe” but I really can’t.

Now with respect to your post, I do emphasize with your feelings and I think perhaps you are correct about the course you have chosen to embark upon. I also very much agree with you that the time in a relationship to share your submission bent is sooner rather than later. I myself am no getting any younger and I don’t think it disrespectful in the least to present my case immediately and then have the woman in question either accept or reject me on that basis quite early on rather than do the work on a long term relationship only to find in the end she has no interest or capacity to act as dominant. Great post and I very much enjoy following your excellent blog.


I agree with you – this is something you should bring up in the very beginning of a relationship. I was married for 16 years before I fully embraced who I was as a submissive and confessed my true nature to my wife. Fortunately, I married one of the most amazing women on the planet and she became the Domme of my dreams. It could have easily gone the other way, however. Plus, if I had spoke up at the start, we would have had all this time to play! 🙂

I’ve got no advice, but I love the blog, so I guess I’ll send little whip-bearing wishes your way!

Kate: Well, it would be rude, but that’s not something I’d say to someone. I’d never say “sorry I don’t have time to find out if you’re dominant or not.

Mariah: It’s a common thought most submissive men have I think. “Do I want a girlfriend or do I want to be kinky”? I personally only know one submissive who has both in the same person.

Shadowedgte and CJ: That’s the never-ending question isn’t it? We can do all the math we want, it still doesn’t change the fact that it would be easier to find a partner if I were a woman, or dominant..or vanilla. Not that it’s not hard for everyone else… I just think it’s a bit harder for submissive men. Of course I am biased.

Chris: You’re a lucky duck

Charity: Thanks! Whip-bearing wishes are always welcome!

“Do I want a girlfriend or do I want to be kinky”? I personally only know one submissive who has both in the same person.

May dated two kinky women before me. He was the top.

Specificity is important. 🙂