Your Pain

Note: I’ve had a number of concerned emails of “oh god, are you ok” nature after originally posting  this.  I feel it’s important to note that when it comes to dealing with constant pain of this type, you have good days and bad.  What you’ll read below was written on one of the very bad days.


You go to see the doc over a year and a half ago, getting injections that used to work when this was last a problem but now they don’t even put a dent in it.

You develop a limp and a hatred for opiates and other heavy pain killers that you have no choice to be on. The best painkiller costs $380/month so you take the $13/month option and you learn far too much about drugs than you ever wanted. Your friends make jokes about drugs and you laugh because you’d probably make the same joke if you were in their shoes.

You try everything your insurance covers and a bunch it doesn’t, physical therapy doesn’t help but you develop a hatred for people who greet you by saying “hey stud” and try to initiate a high-five.

The pain means you’re unable to play with your owner and now wife the way you used to. No more caning and whipping and even bondage isn’t possible the way it used to be. You’re torn between being in too much pain to even attempt to play or you’re too high on pain do anything, it removes everything but your desire to cry over the situation.

Finally, after trying everything you decide for the nuclear option….surgery. You talk to every doctor you’ve seen and some you haven’t and they all say it’s the best option. You’ve hit your max out of pocket for the year so the only way you can do it without going broke is to do it now before the end of the year.

Recover is slow, she helps you dress, changes the dressing on your wound and does everything you used to do around the house and it kills you but you know it’s for the greater good. The doc says the surgery went well. The pain seems to be gone for a few weeks then slowly a hint of it returns, then back a bit more and more…and then it’s like you never had the surgery. The nuke was a dud.

You miss playing with her so much that you’ll burst into tears after she tells you about a girl she spanked at a party. You’re less jealous and more angry and yourself and the world that she used to be able to spank you but now it’s impossible, She cries too and for the same reason. Her crying makes you cry harder because you made her cry.

She deserves so much better than you, you’re broken and constantly angry. Pain pills only mask a little it and you can feel the limp slowly returning with every step.

She really should leave you. She needs someone she can play with the way you used to and she’s too good of a person to be selfish enough to leave you, but she should. The noble thing to do would be to become such an asshole that she leave you, find the unbroken version of you and live happy ever after.

You bring up the idea of her leaving you so she can be happy but she dismisses it. You know her judgement is clouded by love, her incredible sense of honor and the fact that she’s a better person than you could ever be.

You hope beyond hope she doesn’t regret it years from now. You’re an atheist and yet you still manage to pray for the one thing you hope never happens..she must not regret staying. Not that you’re making it easy, you blame the pain for being an asshole but maybe you’re just an asshole and the pain is an excuse.

What a fucking joke this turned out to be. All you wanted was to meet a dominant woman, you met….hell.. that you married someone who was far beyond anything you could have imagined and now you can’t even play. There are whips on the wall collecting dust because of you and you’ve cried more tears because of that than the tears those whips could have ever produced.

And yet out of all of that she still somehow manages to give you hope, that you’ll find a way to play somehow. She may be just telling you that to make you feel better but it works.

Because you trust her.

Anyone else would have left you by now.


Dude. Stop being a pussy who feels sorry for themselves. It’s disgusting and almost guarantees your wife will leave you eventually.

Don’t apologize. Be a man.

I’ve been dealing with severe pain for last five years and I know how you feel. Eventually you do get better at coping with the pain but it takes time and it is important to remember you will be able to enjoy playing once again, maybe not in the next year, but eventually.

Okay, got that pity party out of the way?

Hey, you’re entitled. Everyone gets to feel sorry for themselves every now and then. I bet even Tom Brady feels sorry for himself every now and then. And you’ve got a reason, you married a dream domme, and now the universe’s little FU is that you can’t play with her for now. But I’m thinking you married more than that. That you married a person, and so did she.

Maybe Sade will leave. Oh, not because you can’t play with her, she can get playmates any time, but because you don’t give her the credit for being just a bit deeper than that. You don’t give her credit for her feelings. That maybe she can be a giving, loving person who fell in love with you, not some play partner, but you.

I do hope that you find a way to get better…and if not, I hope you find a way to be better.

    Thanks for your thoughts,

    You’re right of course and as I mentioned at the top it was written on a particularly bad day, also it’s hard to explain what the combination of pain and heavy pain medication does to ones emotional and rational states. Take now for example. I’ve been able to lay on my back for a few hours so the pain is only at a 3 or so, plus I’m pretty high on pain killers so I’m doing ok. In order for me to do my work I ned to decrease the pain killers (so I an think clearly) and be in an uncomfortable position most of the day, by the end of the work day I’m taking pain killers, timing it out so they’ll kick in once I’m done for work for the day. After a full day of pain followed by pain killers that only mask it a bit, I’m usually at my most emotional and bummed out. This post was written a few weeks ago but was written after one such days. It doesn’t mean I don’t feel it or that those feelings are less valid but hopefully will put it into some context.

So many hugs. I wish I knew how to help. But I still get depressed and weepy when my pain gets bad. And I know how hard it is to receive sympathy and help, especially from the people who love you most. I think that’s the thing that always made me cry harder than anything else.

But I can tell you I wish I still had someone to give my devotion to. And it sounds like Sade is being very worthy of it.

Oh Axe, I’m so sorry you are both going through this. Chronic pain can suck the life right out of you, not just because of the pain, but because of how it impacts everything else (and everyone else) in your world.

I can’t even imagine.

Sending positive thoughts to you both.


Hi Axe:

This post really touched me. My heart goes out to you and I can really empathize. I have been married for a long time and though I have never had to endure the kind of chronic pain you describe there have been many times when HM and I could not play/have sex for reasons too numerous to list here. During those times we muddled through it somehow and leaned on each other for support. The challenges we faced together only strengthened our relationship in the long run. Life has a way of throwing us curve balls just when we think we have it made. Fortunately it also has a way of throwing us a lifeline when we least expect it. Try not to beat yourself up and don’t despair. Those of us with someone to love in our lives are incredibly fortunate even when things aren’t going our way. Good luck to you and all the best!!


You love. Be loved. Strength is both. Needs both. You wrote from strength. Fear and denial expresses only weakness.