My Hangup

Sade has been entertaining the idea of having another submissive over from time to time for service.

My 2nd job takes up so much of my time and the thought is that getting a service submissive to help pick up some of the slack would make things a bit easier.

The biggest issue is my hangup with not being comfortable with another male submissive in the house serving her. A female submissive is another story in my mind, it’s weird and it’s a hangup I really wish I didn’t have.

It’s similar to how I feel about anything sexual between Sade and I and another person. A female submissive has things that I can’t offer and I have things a female sub can’t offer. I wouldn’t feel the same type of jealousy or competition or worry if there was a female submissive here.

We’ve actually had a female sub over for service once and I was much more comfortable than I had imagined I would be. She only came over to our place once and that was it but I worried about it the days leading up to it and when it happened I was only slightly uncomfortable and didn’t feel like I was in competition or anything….super casual.

The problem is, I know it would be easier for Sade to find a submissive guy than finding a submissive woman. It’s just my hang-ups and worry that keeps it limited to a female sub. I hate myself for feeling that way but there it is and Sade respects that even though it makes things harder for her.

I know right now someone is thinking “Well if you really wanted to please her you’d be fine with a submissive guy coming over”. I know, right? This is what I tell myself over and over. I’m standing in the way something being easier for her. Trust me, those words pop into my head every time the subject comes up and it makes me angry at myself.

So I don’t know. It’s not like Sade is actively looking for anyone for the position. If a female came up to her she’d probably entertain the idea if she was a fit. She’s mentioned that if we did have a submissive here then I’d be the “Alpha sub”. I don’t know exactly how that would look but it sounds like she’d have me help delegate things.

I think about it often and it comes out the same way:

Idea of a female sub servicing Sade = “Not a threat and could be fun?”
Idea of a male sub serving Sade = “Who’s that creepy asshat make him go the fuck away”


I sooooooo get this.
*nod, nod*
(Which is undoubtedly not of ANY help, but you can know you get a “hellyeah” from the peanut gallery, anyhow.)

You said it yourself: get a creepy asshat as a service submissive, they’re no competition for you. Find someone who is so clearly not Sade’s type that they don’t represent a threat to you. Maybe a guy, say, over 50, a bit overweight and balding, etc. That should do it, right?

Or, like one Domme I know, insist the guy wear a dress or maid’s outfit while serving in the privacy of your space. The Domme believes the femme attire balances out the masculine energy. Find a guy who doesn’t look cute in femme attire, easy enough to do, and that should mollify your jealousy.

On twitter you said, “My latest post where my hangups get in the way of what I’d want.” But it seems clear that you don’t want another guy to have a personal relationship with your wife. Which is not really strange or unusual at all. “Hangup” make it sound like a pathology of some sort. But is that really what it is?

You’re doing submission for real. And on a bottom line level, I think that means that when you’d like things to go one way, and she’d like things to go the other, she wins. But people have limits. I’m not talking about negotiated scene limits, but something more basic. At some point, people just flinch. Even if you’re trying to use your will to prevent yourself from flinching. Sometimes you just can’t pull it off.

Obviously, those lines aren’t fixed, you can work with things and move the lines. But they’re real, it’s not just about bad attitudes, or being pissy, or whatever. We’re all who we are.

(I know it sucks for a stranger to come in and comment on your business. I’m doing it anyway. Sorry.)