The two words that will turn me off most are “spoil me”.

Turn me off might be putting it lightly. Maybe angry or….ok angry is the word.

On the surface it sounds great until you realize what the words really mean. The problem is, sometimes their idea of being spoiled has nothing to do with my idea of being spoiled. The conversations usually go like this:

Her: I want you to spoil me.

Me: Great! How do you like your coffee? What kind of domestic service do you want? Do you enjoy massage? Want someone to wait on you hand and foot?

Her: I want to go shopping.

I did go shopping with someone once. When I first moved to New York I met someone from collarme who said she wanted to meet me for coffee and go shopping. We went to a few stores but she just couldn’t find what she was looking for. Finally she found a pair of shoes that were perfect for her and when it came time to pay she looked at me as though she was expecting me to do something. I had no clue how to react. I reached for my wallet but when I saw that the bill was a few hundred bucks I stopped dead in my tracks.

My converse all-stars usually run $35 bucks.

I told her I couldn’t pay for them even if i wanted to and she looked at me with this look I’ll never forget. She stormed out of the store and quickly followed her after apologizing to the person behind the counter. She was visibly upset and started ranting about how she had never been so embarrassed in her life and how she had just spent two hours with me and her time was worth more than just a cup of coffee.

I was speechless and felt as though the rug had just been pulled out from under me. She went from being interested in me as a possible play partner, to someone who couldn’t stand the sight of me.

“Don’t you think I’m a goddess?” she asked me with a hint of anger.

“Well, yes, of course, but you don’t need those shoes to be a goddess”. I was still in shock.

“I thought you were going to be different, I am very disappointed. Don’t contact me again until you’re ready to treat me to what I deserve”.

She walked off in a huff and I never heard from her again despite my emails to her apologizing for the misunderstanding.

If the same thing were to happen to me now I would have told her to go fuck some old investment banker who looked like Larry “Bud” Melman.

Sure the sex would suck but she’d at least have her shoes.