Submissive Skills And An Update

Note: I’ve updated the layout of my little spot on web. I think this may look a bit more…. friendly. Thoughts?

I was recently asked to describe my skills as a submissive.

I really didn’t know what she meant at first and she went on to ask how I’ve been trained. I believe she mentioned bootblacking and formal tea service as examples. I have no training in either of these.

I’ve never meet a Domme that specifically mentioned these as desirable qualities in a submissive male but I can imagine how they might be.

This brings up an observation on what a Domme in the scene is looking for versus one who isn’t in the scene.

A Domme who isn’t into going to events and socializing with others in the lifestyle may not have any interest in a bootblack or someone who knows how to serve tea properly. In fact, I mentioned bootblacking to a Domme friend who goes out of her way to avoid the scene and she had no clue what I meant by it.

I’ve only seen a bootblack in action on a few occasions and have never heard a woman say “oh if only I could have my boots shined right now”.

But just because I haven’t heard it doesn’t mean no one has ever said it.

How important are these kinds of skills to dominant women? Has there ever been a Domme that said, “oh he’s cute and tall and eager to please…but he doesn’t know the first thing about tea service so I’ll send him back”.

I’ve heard of formal tea serving classes. I don’t imagine they’re too expensive. Not as cheap as the beer serving classes though.

So what skills do I have as a submissive? I can’t think of any lifestyle specific skills.

But I can clean a mean tub.


formal tea service? unless she is from the UK, why would she give a damn about that???

i’d much rather have a sub organize my closet and rub my feet, personally….

I’m not from the UK and I like tea service…and tea parties.

Skill sets are applicable in a variety of situations. You can use the same skill set at a tea as you could putting together and serving at a dinner party.

I think the more knowledge (skills) a submissive has, the more desirable he or she can make themselves. Manicures, Pedicures, how to clean/iron/cook…anything really can be useful to have in a “resume”.

I read this and the first thing I thought was do you know how many times I have had to teach a submissive man how to give a decent shoulder massage.

Beyond that I look for people who are attentive to my likes and dislikes. The ability to make me a cup of tea the way I like it is far more important than the ability to serve at a tea party, but the ability to serve at a tea party is useful. So is being able to pick a decent bottle of wine and pair it with something reasonable.

the new layout is quite friendly, i just find it a little bit crowded. the content in the 2 sidebars, as well as their being quite broad is distracting from the actual text in the center, wich makes it difficult to read.

I like the new color scheme, it’s easier on the eyes and less, well, angsty.

I’ve asked that question before as a loaded question. I’m looking for a boy to tell me what he can do- a lot of the guys looking for a Domme to serve can’t cook, clean, iron, or fuck to save their lives. They’re basically dead weight and once they latch onto a Domme they stop functioning at all and expect her to carry them around the rest of their lives, sobbing in gratitude the whole time, and expect it to be sexy.

After you go through two or three of these you kind of develop a “show me” attitude. So, if you can clean a mean tub, or you give good massages, or anything that you do well, say so.

If you don’t have a lot of formal training and you want something to talk about, perhaps you could take a class in something? Some of the grocery stores out here have cooking classes, and there’s usually some place you can take massage classes for cheap if you’re not trying to become a therapist.

I wouldn’t worry about it, though.

I don’t want to insult anybody by saying that I had to stifle my gag reflex here but god, *formal tea service*? There is pretty much nothing I hate more about Formal Fem Dommery than freakin’ tea service.

Much preferred: a knowledge base of microbrewerys and the ability to pour a cold one smoothly. Bonus points for brewing at home.

Tea service. Gah!!

Like the new digs. 🙂

hugs, E

I would value formal service skills. Not tea specifically, although it’s great if I don’t have to explain what a tea ball is, but understanding how to serve at table–yes, I like that stuff. Being willing to learn, and attentive to learning, is a close second. I would also value a submissive who was good at pain-processing, who could sew better than I can, who was good at restoring old things, and who could give a decent massage. Only the pain-bottoming skill is “lifestyle-specific,” really, of all of the ones I named. Being willing to learn any of these things gets you almost as many points as already knowing them does, because I don’t mind instructing.

I like the new layout. It’s more cheerful.

While bootbacking does have it’s appeal, knowing that I mainly wear flip flops in florida and being trained in giving pedicures would be more of a skill that I would find appealing (Also I am a foot fetishist with sensitive feet so I sort of get off on the powerexchange of it)

Expanding skill set is always good, Keep in mind that the appeal of tea service may or may not be what a Domme wants. Domestic service is a hell of more attractive skill then a formal tea service.

I for one would rather have a submissive that allows me to practice ties and helps me learn more asain bondage. I rather have a service submissive that has a good knowledge of wine and maintains my glass wears and wine inventory documented for me.

Of course since I am a sadist I also would want a submissive that can aleast handle some pain, as that form of service does please me.

Keeping that in mind, if your dominant loves rope work, then cleaning her ropes and braiding them is a great skill. If she loves floggers, maintianing them and organizing her toy bag is great. Learning how to make toys is another one.

You’re likely good at more things than you’re thinking of since many things a woman would appreciate are not lifestyle specific, as some of the others have noted. I agree with the massage and being willing to learn how to please. Cleaning the tub or anything else is great as is running errands. The first thing I think of when I ask myself what I want from a submissive man is “How can he make my life (our lives) better, easier or more enjoyable?”

Hello Axe,

The first thing that came to my mind isn’t a “submissive specific” skill: If I were looking for someone I’d want to find someone who can cook. Which includes being able to use a variety of spices, diverse styles such as Mediterranean, Near Eastern, Indian, select good vegetables, bake a cake, make lemonade… I enjoy cooking myself and appreciate that my partner is skilled in it too.

This can truly be learned by doing, and except for the occasional mishap it is an enjoyable process. You can invite friends for cake or dinner once in a while.

Though maybe I’m bringing owls to Athens and this is already something you are skilled in. 🙂

I like the light background style.

I like the new layout and color scheme.
And I really have no opinion on tea service. 🙂

I don’t know what to say? What the fuck has tea and cleaning shoes got to do with what turns women on about male submission? What a bunch of utter fucking anti-sex crap.

(Also, people from the UK do not give a fuck about formal tea service. We live off tea. We don’t all ponce about in fucking castles rotating the pot anti-clockwise. We make it with a bag in a mug, using an electric kettle. Jesus, out of one stereotype into another)

Look, Axe, how about just thinking about what you want and then trying to find a woman who wants those things too. Ha, revolution! There are far more women in the world that want a good looking, charming man who knows how to suffer for love, than posturing idiots who want a guy to serve tea in some fancy pants way because they think asking for that (rather than stuff that would actually be – god – sexy) makes them dominant.

And really, you think you could be happy pouring tea and cleaning boots if they weren’t your kinks? Forever? Fuck that.

You have submissive skills. You are submissive. That is the only skill.

As for ‘training’, don’t even fucking start me off.

Good points, Beej.

Still. I like beer.

(Ooops, I’m crosstalking your commenter. Sorry, Axe. I’ll try to control myself.)

hugs! E

how about just thinking about what you want and then trying to find a woman who wants those things too.

I think this Beej’s suggestion makes perfect sense.

I can’t think of any lifestyle specific skills.

I’ve thought about it some more, and I don’t think my partner has any “lifestyle specific” skills at all. He just has skills connected to his own interests, some of which match very well with what I like. There is nothing kink related about it.

101% unintelligable. Often it is said that if you are (unfortunate enough to be) looking for a Domme then you need to be something other than just “sub” as in getting to know people as real people apparently, although that might be news to some.

A Domme asks what skills you have to offer as a sub I see this thread is about, why ask what a sub has to offer in the respects of their “sub” side with regards to the above?

Or is this just the other side of a hypothetical coin of asking what a “Domme” has to offer as a “Domme” which would obviously be met with uproar because low and behold F/m is frought with contradiction.

I would say to the OP listen to Bitchy Jones.

A lot of this thread to me comes across as though sub males are some kind of addition to a childs little mock tea party.

What a joke.

Im all up for making an effort or indeed making tea but preferably because I actually like the person, sexual fantasies and having fun are good also not that it seems many people know much about that kind of thing.

F/m is frought with crappy pre-requisites and obligations based on nothing more than the fact the guy is a sub male.

Its as pointless as a sub making a pre-requisite of some kind of fantasy or wish of his to a Domme, which is quite unpopular.

The site is much more readable this way.

A submissive man is one who gets sexually excited and feels contentment and satisfaction from “playing at being lower status” (if I may borrow from you, Bitchy) than his partner. I’m a woman who gets off from playing at being higher status than my partner. (I actually am higher status than my partner in some ways — e.g. more educated, more income, socially, etc. — but that isn’t necessary).

Extra “skills” might contribute to a better partnership, but don’t have anything to do with being a “real” submissive man.

My husband is decent with household chores, massage, and the like, but doesn’t know how to give pedicures or serve tea. Fortunately, I don’t care about those skills.

What matters to me, and what makes this work so well, is that he truly, deeply, enjoys being tied down, spanked, hurt, told when and how to make me feel good, and otherwise dominated by his wife. In fact a relationship without those elements would feel hollow and unfulfilling to him.

The other thing that makes this work is that we love each other as people. For me, everything else is moot without being in love.

Have you ever noticed of the women who actually enjoy and participate in D/s play don’t come up with all these lists and requirements?

Dommes who show up at fetish parties seem to assert all this silly crap.

Most dominant women aren’t found in these venues. And they usually seem to want a guy they enjoy being around who is submissive at the right times, in the right contexts.

Really he needs to be fun to watch a movie with or someone who shares a taste in music. Kink can fill only so many hours.

I might point out that some decent dominant women do, indeed, show up to fetish parties. *cough*

The idea of lists and requirements can seem pretty lame to a lot of folks. Ditto on “being formally trained.” I’m not really a fan myself.

But, would I like a partner who could black my boots? Yes, because I have a boot kink. Would I like a partner who could cook? Yes, because I love to be cooked for. These aren’t formal skills. They’re just things that people happen to know.

Axe, I’m sure you have some skills hanging about somewhere. We all do. They’re our hobbies. And sometimes potential partners will ask you what you’re good at, or what you’re interested in, because they want to know more about you. Not because they want to to meet a list of requirements.

Re: non-sexy “submissive skills”:
A lot of things that are integrated in BDSM culture get a bad name because they aren’t specifically sexual, and it’s important to many of us to hold onto the sexual nature of our kinky identities. I have been to a formal tea service, and it is not a sexy thing.

At the same time, I would argue that since a kinky identity (for me, at least, and I suspect for others as well) can extend beyond the bedroom, incorporating non-sexual activities into the interactions between kinky partners isn’t necessarily bad. It’s simply a matter of finding a balance, a person who has similar interests to you. Some of us will only want to do kinky things that are explicitly sexual, while others will want to bring the dynamics into seemingly more mundane aspects of our lives. You just need to figure out what you want, and when you want it.

Maybe cooking, for example, isn’t a submissive skill for you. Maybe it is. You can play it any way you’d like.

The first thing I look for from a submissive man is companionship. If I don’t like spending time with him, then all the skills in the world will not make him attractive to me.

Some of the skills that I have been honored to receive from people are help with my computer, photography, painting a room, cooking, making or buying me coffee, foot rubs, back rubs, fighting with an airline to retrieve my lost luggage, having tissues for me when I have a cold, organizing things in my apartment, putting body lotion on my whole body, driving me somewhere, making me an LJ icon, organizing a dinner party out at a restaurant, carry stuff for me at an event, etc. Some of these things are chores that need doing and some are very social. Most of these things, but not all, are things that we would do together.

Tea parties can be fun and usually the other servers will help you learn how to help out. As far as bootblacking, I know where to find bootblacks who are great, and when I want my boots done, I get them done. I would go, and if my submissive was with me, he or she could get their boots done, too.

Just speaking personally, if I was looking for a sub and saw an ad which mentioned tea service or boot blacking, I’d think of it as a kink of his that he’d be expecting me to go along with. As neither of those are kinks of mine, I wouldn’t be likely to reply, unless I was particularly taken by the ad in some other way. I’d see it as a minus rather than a plus. Obviously it’s going to be a plus for those women who are particularly into boot blacking or tea service, but I’m not sure how many of those are around. If they are few and far between, it might not be worth singling them out at the risk of excluding other sexually dominant women, unless these are things you particularly want. I like the advice about finding out what really want and trying to find someone who fits. That worked for me.

Mind you, I lean towards sadistic rather than dominant, so ‘service’ in general doesn’t do much for me. For women who are more dominant, it might be right up their street, so do take what I’m saying with a pinch of salt – I can’t speak for other women.

I never really though about ‘subskills’. I like when all the men in my life have mad skillz, like bow hunting, and ninja skills.

But seriously, for a submissive I’d look for the same thing I’d look for in any guy. I like a man who knows some shit, regardless of what it is. Computers? Bitchen. Maths? Awesome. Cooking? Sweet. Knitting? Great. Tub cleaning? Lets swap tips. Skillz rule.

There ain’t no lifestyle submissive skills. There are life skills. You have some already. If you don’t think so, go find something interesting and learn about it. That old rule… to be interesting, be interested.

What’s sexy about tea anyway? I don’t want to have to sit through a fucking tea ceremony to get to the pain and sex. And I can see where cleaning could be nice, but I feel like if that were a pressing need in my life, I’d pay a maid.

I don’t often agree with Bitchy, but I have to on this one. I’m a self-sufficient woman, and if I wanted a maid or my boots shined I’d hire someone. As for tea service, well, the closest I care to get to that is having the man bring coffee to me in bed the morning after I’ve tormented him.

As many have said, just life skills in general are good things, though knowing how to give a decent massage or cook something without burning it is always a plus. IMO, the very best skills any submissive male can bring to the table are a desire to please his dominant, and the ability to pay attention, notice details, and learn to anticipate how she likes things done and when.

My personal favorite services are all ones that serve to focus a sub’s attention on me (having a sub give me a manicure/pedicure, assisting with my toilette and preparations for an evening out). So I don’t really give a fig if a sub has tea party experience.

On the other hand, if I’m in a social situation with my sub I do expect him to maintain his attentiveness to my needs, and to be calm and polite and unobtrusive. And that sort of thing actually gets noticed by other dommes. I know *I* notice the behavior of other women’s boys, and I make a point of rewarding my subs if their behavior has caused another domme to comment favorably on it.