Reader email…

Now and then I get emails from readers wanting advice. In the past you fine readers have really helped with these questions and so I’m posting another one:

“First of all, I love your blog – when I read it, I got teary – I didn’t know men like you considered yourselves submissive. To me, you are the definition of masculine and yummy all in one 🙂 Sorry – not flirting with you!

Anyway, I met a guy on collarme and he’s scarily ideal and I totally want him. I’m discovering this side to myself recently after years of trying very very hard and unsuccessfully to be a “good girl”. Sigh. Anyway, I don’t want to fuck it up. He’s inexperienced too. He says he likes strong, confident, aggressive – that’s all me but I don’t want to make a fool of myself by doing or saying something wrong. Does that mean I can never have a shy moment around him? Like if I’m overcome with emotion can I show it? Would it turn him off?


Here’s my advice:

First of all, you need to think about what turns you on, what you want and what you like about the idea of being dominant. That way it’ll make it much easier for you know what you want from him.

You don’t need to know how to throw a whip, how to tie a knot or any of that stuff to be dominant. You just need to know what you want, or at least be able to take the reigns and explore the different things out there.

As far as showing emotion goes, I’m ashamed to admit when I first started I was looking for someone who was cold, knew exactly what she wanted and would demand it from me and not show any weakness. I don’t know if this is the case with the guy you met but I think it’s a common problem that submissive guys have when they first start out. They have unrealistic ideas of what dominant women are.

Right now I would say just have fun with it. Ask yourself what gets you off about the idea of controlling a guy and then go from there.

How about you dear reader?


“As far as showing emotion goes, I’m ashamed to admit when I first started I was looking for someone who was cold, knew exactly what she wanted and would demand it from me and not show any weakness.”

I am not sure my comment’s going to be helpful because, like, I’m a girl. But my hunch, based on much blog-reading, is that 1) not everyone has the same fantasies about what they want out of a dom/me, 2) not every dom/me has the same fantasies about how they want to approach the sub, and 3) lots of dom/mes are worried that they need to be uber-strong, especially the dommes.

As for 1&2–you two will work out together the differences in your kinky desires. You know, he seems ideal, and you may seem ideal to him too. But for your relationship to grow, you’ll want to show each other who you really are. The amazing thing about kink, and why I keep coming back to it, is that it lets people drop many layers of defenses that they have and get a whole lot more real and intimate than they normally are. You say you are mostly confident, aggressive, and strong, and he will see that; if you are overwhelmed by emotion, or vulnerable when you are with him in a very intimate moment, that’s incredibly, incredibly beautiful for a sub to see, I think.

In general in a relationship, there’s no reason to hide, but I think it’s especially true in a kinky one.

Oh, and I misread your email. I thought you said he was experienced. If he’s inexperienced, you’re GOLDEN. That’s how my boyfriend and I started out. It’s a lot of fun, because you’re discovering what you want together, and he’s not going to compare you to Mistress MaximaPaine that he was with 5 years ago. You each get to explore your fantasies. Like axe said, have fun with it!

Okay sorry axe to write a book but you asked . . .

I’ve run into the issue with expecting an ideal ‘domme’ as well. it’s frustrating. One of the things I recommend is dating him in a relatively vanilla sense for a while and get to know one another as *people* first. If you don’t like him as a man, you won’t like him as a submissive… and same goes for him….
Trust me *sighs*

That said, I think that showing vulnerability and admitting weakness is something that many dominant women fear early on in a relationship, especially with an inexperienced submissive who may not realize yet that you are more than a domme, you’re still a woman as well… and that the two go hand in hand.

My own blog
talks about these issue some, and so does that of the magnificent Ferns:

Good luck!

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This was actually weird and a little crazy for me to read, because I am in the EXACT same situation as the writer of the email. I met an awesome guy on Collarme, had concerns that I wouldn’t be “dominant” enough, am still exploring things myself, and that he is relatively inexperienced, too.

I’m meeting him tomorrow, and I’m really excited and I anticipate things going really well. I figure that why I feel so well is what would the best to hear.

Obviously, if you know you’re really crazy about him, you’ve talked with him a lot. Try to make sure that you really understand what you want from (and to be able to do for!) your submissive, and then try to get a really good idea of what he’s looking for from a dominant (and what he expects from her.) If these things match up, I really wouldn’t worry about much else, because everything else could easily fall into place.

For example, I had a major concern about one of the same things you mentioned – emotion. I’m a fairly emotional person, and a very caring person, and I was really concerned that I would just be too nice. It actually came up once; I was talking with a submissive and he said, “wow, you’re really real,” which, in context, pretty much meant, “wow, you’re really vanilla.” That’s how I knew he wasn’t more me; he wasn’t disrespectful, I didn’t dislike him, but we obviously just didn’t match up.

In this lifestyle there’s not anything right or wrong. You aren’t too dominant or not dominant enough, but you might be so for a specific person.

Luckily one thing that this submissive and I agreed upon is that we really, really want to make sure that we click in a vanilla sense before we introduce anything BDSM or D/s. It may be something that, depending on you and your guy, you might want to consider. It would take away a lot of the stress for you, and simultaneously does help you accomplish your goal of figuring out what it is that he wants from you. For example, I asked the guy I’ve been talking to what would be an example of an awesome, totally normal (vanilla) night with a dominant, and he talked making dinner together and watching a movie together curled up on the couch. That tells me that it’s okay for us to connect on an equal level, and that he won’t see it as a bad thing for me to let my dominant side relax a little to have fun and just be comfortable together.

The point is, I know that I don’t have to worry because I know we agreed on some major points, and that no one really has the perfect answer for you. It just depends on you and the submissive. Get to know each other. And if you still feel excited about it, it’s probably going to go somewhere great.


To the reader who asked the original question: It’s okay to be shy, it’s okay to be overcome with emotion! What a terrible thing it would be, if we had to cut ourselves off from that in order to have relationships that turn us on.

Yes, there are submissive men out there who have are only attracted to cold, nasty, bizarre fantasy figures, but there are also a lot of submissive men out there who want relationships with real human women who happen to enjoy being sexually dominant. If he’s the former, hopefully he’ll figure out how to relate to actual people someday. If he’s the latter, well, have fun!

Trinity put it marvelously well in her comment to this otherwise hopefully irrelevant post: “My relationship is based on love and friendship and sex… There are D/s elements to our relationship, some of which have to do directly with sex and play and some of which don’t, but this idea that vanilla people have relationships and I have misshapen thingy really bothers me.”

Like Jeanne, I’ve found it best if I interact with people on a vanilla level to see if we click first, before introducing any d/s elements.

Anyways, much luck with this. I’ve started rambling, so I’ll cut myself off now and see if I can consolidate my thoughts on the subject into a post of my own soon-ish instead.

“I don’t want to make a fool of myself by doing or saying something wrong.”

I think one of the scariest things that inexperienced dominants face is the fear of rejection because they are ‘doing it wrong’. It is easy to psyche yourself out because you think you have to be in control and somehow perfect in a situation that is new and unknown. That’s a tough call for anyone. I do dumb stuff all the time, say silly things, fall over my own feet, feel awkward etc. If it makes him think I am less dominant because of it, that’s his problem and not mine.

There will always be boys for whom you are ‘not dominant enough’ or ‘too dominant’ – it’s no different from any other personal relationships, finding someone who fits is just hard and if it’s not quite right, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or that you have done anything wrong. In your mind, you know that anyway, but when you are first starting to flex your dominant muscle, you are taking new risks and that sort of thing can hit hard. Don’t change who you are to cater to it, it simply means that whoever thinks that is not compatible with you.

The short version of the above is ‘there is no wrong way’. You are who you are and if your personality and style of dominance and idea of how a relationship should be is not what he seeks, there is nothing you can do about that unless you want to pretend to be someone you aren’t in order to get him.

“Does that mean I can never have a shy moment around him? Like if I’m overcome with emotion can I show it? Would it turn him off?”

You have already communicated with him, have represented who you are, and he already likes you. Unless you have pretended to be other than who you are, he already has an idea what to expect. In the first meeting at least, however shy and nervous you are, he will be more so, he will be self conscious and scared and excited. Set the stage for a vanilla meeting where you get to say hello face to face and don’t set any other expectations (or let him have any). Then if it feels right, you can flirt with a little control if you want to, but there is no pressure.

As for you displaying emotions and vulnerabilities, that comes with intimacy, and if he is not comfortable with you fully expressing yourself, then it limits the depth of the relationship. Will it turn him off? Maybe – it does for those who want the ice queen, but you won’t really know that until you get to know him and if he can’t handle all of you, vulnerabilities and all, then he is simply not a good fit for you.

I wish you the very best of luck and hope it goes well.

Axe, I am very much enjoying seeing the happiness you are sharing in your posts – it is sweet and hot and lovely. Thank you for it.


P.S. Noel, thank you for the shout out (are you incognito, Bellaforte?!… shhh, I won’t tell…). My blog URL, though, has a dash in it…

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